April Fool's 2011 Induction: "Disney's" Beauty and the Beast

A Beastly Abortion

Disney: 1991

It's no secret that in the world of Disney, there have been some major stinkers. Like, for instance, Aladdin. A movie so bad, that I had a hard time sitting through it one year ago today. But as bad as that wretched dreck is, it's nothing on the Razzie nominated bomb, Beauty and the Beast. A movie with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

Memorable Characters? Nope.
Good Story? No sir.
Entertaining musical score? No way.

It's a steaming, stinking, pile of tooncrap that needs to be given a much needed slap around. So, let's not waste any more time. Let's review this stinker.



We open our film with a shot of Beauty and the Beast dancing, with a very bland song playing in the background.

Now, the first thing I gotta note is how bad the animation is. I know this movie was a year before Aladdin, but wow is this a step down for the animation department at Disney. And it doesn't get any better. And the 2nd is, um, spoiler alert perhaps? It's not even a minute into this film, and already it's looking like a happy ending.




After this quick song, we meet our protagonist, Beauty. Which is odd, because I swear most people refer to her as Belle, and the misleading cover art has her a brunette. Still, this is our hero. She greets her rich bitch sisters Elisha and Pauline, who are quick to mock Beauty's enjoyment of helping the poor. Hmm, uppity ugly sisters? Why do I get the feeling I've seen this shtick before? Oh right, it's similiar in the 1951 classic Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, only they were evil conjoined twin sisters.



Meanwhile, their father is coming to the realization that the clerks he hired to run his businesses have robbed him blind. Leaving him, his sons and daughters, headded straight to the poor house. So, the family end up moving into a farm. But, not even 2 minutes later in this film, good news seems to come around for them again, as one of their ships has docked, with possible spices and other valuable ilk. The sisters bicker their father for stuff on the possibility of their reclaimed wealth, while Beauty only wants a rose, because she's an uber babyface.



However, upon inspection of the ship, Father's hopes of reclaiming his fortune are dashed, as there's no ilk or spices of any kind. And, as if his day couldn't blow any more, during a lightning storm he ends up lost in the woods. He eventually finds a castle, and despite not seeing anybody around, assumes he's welcomed in. He makes himself at home, eats a meal, and nods off for the night. The next day, Father begins to head home, but not before taking a rose to give Beauty. This however, causes the weather to get windy and ominous for some reason, and it also introduces us to the Beast.



The Beast throws a hissy fit over Father taking one of his precious roses, ready to murder the literally poor man. When Father mentions that he was going to give it to Beauty, Beast devises a new plan. Have Father send Beauty to die at the Beast's hands instead, or he can just give Beauty the rose, and still be killed by the Beast. And if he doesn't comply, he'll just kill them both for the helluvit. For a Disney character, he's pretty damn bloodthirsty.


Okay, that seemed to silly to be accidental..



So, Father decides to give Beauty the rose, and sacrifice his own life. However, when Beauty becomes guilt tripped over the rose, she offers to go instead. The two head to the castle and meet with the bloodthirsty Beast. The deal becomes final, with Beauty now forced to stay in the castle forever, while her Father is sent home with tons of treasure to "lessen the pain". But in all honesty, it's a way of saying "Thanks for letting me perform horrible acts on your fair daughter." This angers the old codger, but Beauty forces him to leave with treasure in tow. That night, Beauty is ready for the beastialty that awaits her, but instead...



Gets a maid?

Actually, this is Clara. An enchantress that just so happens to live at the castle as the Beast's house... I mean castlekeeper. After we're introduced to this useless character, Beast shows up and informs Beauty that he's gone soft, and will not kill her. She's welcome to whatever she wants, except for escape of course. He then makes mention of wanting to marry her, to which she somewhat dreads/seems turned on to. That night, she looks for her bedroom when...


OH SHIT! IT'S THE PHANTOM BLOT!!!

No, it's just Clara tangled in a black sheet. She informs Beauty of where her room is. The room is decked out for her, containing a big bed and plenty of dresses. Beauty nods off, but in the middle of the night, she's visited by the fairy of the castle.


How many friggin' people live in this damn place?

The fairy warns Beauty that despite the Beasts supposed kind intentions, he's really a stone hearted prick. 6 months pass, as Beauty is more accustomed to castle life. She talks to Clara about the fairy's warnings, but Clara tells her that since the Beast is obviously been kind for half a year, then obviously the fairy was full of crap. That night, Beast asks Beauty to go to the balcony and dance with him. Gotta say, this is a very underwhelming scene. All the stuff I heard about great special effects, and a great song is actually just a quick 40 second scene at best. No wonder this earned Disney a Razzie nom. This is shameful.



Beast intentions weren't just to dance, but to pop the question. However, Beauty declines. I guess six months of kindness, and free accomodations wasn't enough to throw the poor sod a bone. She asks to visit her family. He begins to complain that he'll die of lonliness, but she assures him that she'll come back in a week. He eventually sees it her way, and lets her go. He gives her a magic ring that can apparently give her the power to teleport back home, and back to the castle if she desires. They dance again to the same reused animation, and Beauty heads off to sleep. But not before the fairy comes back to in her dream to tell Beauty to just leave without returning, and letting Beast die in the process. Beauty doesn't buy it, until the fairy informs her that he's a killer. And for her big finale, shoots a blast of light in the sky, which causes the voices of Beasts victims to wail out to Beauty. So, in a nutshell, the poor girl's got some stuff to mull over.



Just as Beast promised, the ring causes her to return back home to her once again wealthy family. She informs the family about the ring and that the Beast will be dead in a week, and that she plans to return. This arouses the ire of Pauline and Elisha, who plan to keep her past the week, so Beast will die, and she'll have to envy them. Yep, she's going to envy these two nasally hags because they aided in the murder of someone she considers a friend.


Pauline and Elisha blow.

And despite their obvious bitchiness, she gives in and continues to stay. However, before Beauty can commit lonelycide on the Beast, Clara shows up to bring Beauty back to the castle. She returns to notice the flowers wilted, and Beast unconscious on the balcony. She heads to his side...


But sadly, Beast is dead.

Oh right, this is a Disney film. We need a quick fix happy ending. And in this case, the power of Beauty's tears not only revive the Beast...


But also manage to turn him human. Alright then.

Actually, it's her "pure heart" and her allowing to be his wife that actually broke the spell. So, the two dance one more time, and the movie finally comes to an end.

And that's Disney's Beauty and the Beast. What a pile of trash. Bad animation, no songs, awful voice acting, and and absolute lackluster plot. This was a major step down from what Disney had brought with their 1989 animated classic "The Littlest Hobo". It's a snorefest of a film with plot holes. In the end, what was the point of the fairy? Clara was the best comic relief they could come up with? This movie is a black eye that Disney has never recovered from. This is almost embarrasing as the infamous "Song of the South Dakota". It's a beautifully disasterous pile of tooncrappy drek.

But considering the cult fanbase this movie has, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm not seeing the positives this may have. Maybe I didn't give it a chance. Maybe I just reviewed a really bland Golden Video version as a lame April Fools prank. Who knows? Oh wait, I DO know.

Captain Planet: A Good Bomb is Hard to Find

Especially when this show is a dud.

Turner: 1995

Ah, Captain Planet. If only every cartoon could deliver such joyous amounts of fail. Yep, we're talking about the Cap and his posse of planet protecting global goofballs once again. When last we left our heroes, they tackled the HIV virus, and the predjudice of a bloodthirsty town that was ready, willing, and able to lynch a kid infected by it. But thanks to our strange blue man in a red speedo, the town soon learns the error of it's ways. Now, you're wondering, what could possibly be a bigger challenge to the Planeteers than a deadly virus?

Why, Adolf Hitler and the A-Bomb of course.



If this is your facial reaction to that little revelation, I wouldn't blame you. Yes, having dealt with pretty much every major and minor environmental threat, it was time for the show to deal with the greatest villain in world history, the friggin fuhrer. But if that wasn't enough, we have to deal with the A-Bomb (not from A-Ri), a crippled kid, and plenty of paradoxes, each more maddening than the last.

So let's waste no more time, and let's see how the captain makes this happen. Let's review this thing.



We open our episode with our villain du jour Dr. Blight finishing up her time portal, with her computer sidekick MAL (Voiced by Tim Curry), constantly being a whiny bitch. Upon activating the portal, she is greeted by the future version of herself, with her annoying sidekick GAL (Voiced by Kath Soucie). Future Blight is pissed that in her time, the world is rid of bombs and all kaboom-related material. So the two come up with a plan to build a nuclear warhead, and sell it to the highest bidder. But since you can't just walk into a store and buy plutonium, the time gap gals steal some from a truck. Gaia briefs the Planeteers about the purloined plutonium, and they head off to stop them.



However, the weather starts to get rough, as the Blights' ship's too heavy to handle the storm. Both Blights fight over who keeps the plutonium, but then quickly reconsile, and enter their handy dandy time portal, with plutonium in tow. The Planeteers are also stupid enough to fly in a lightning storm, and almost crash. But before they're goners, they summon our favoirte blue fashion victim, who keeps the ship in the air. Upon landing, the group gets confronted by German soldiers. Cap makes short work of them, as the planeteers escape. Gaia warns our heroes of the Blight duo's plans, as Cap decides to take a break for now.



Our heroes land one a minefield. and are saved by a one legged girl named Tai Li, a victim of said minefield . She decides to aid our heroes in the fight against the Blights and their bomb. Meanwhile, the bomb is complete, and the Blights are ready to sell it to "The Fuhrer"



Oh, I'm sorry, I meant Adolf Fu Man Chu.

Which brings us to the big question, why are we making such a drastic change to the image of one of the biggest pricks in history? Hell, it's not like the kids who watch this show don't likely have a grip on who Adolf Hitler was, or weren't going to soon enough. So unless there's Fox News really does own the rights to Hitler's likeness, why are we lacking in the infamous Hitler stache? Now, before you can say "maybe it's not supposed to be Hitler", deep down, you know that's who this is supposed to be. The fact that they play up how evil the sumbitch is pretty much sums up all the evidence needed to confrim that that is indeed the Adolf we all know and not love.




The blights give the Nazis a demonstration of what the bomb can do by blowing up an abandoned village. Despite the concern of the bomb being too powerful, The Fuhrer is impressed enough to bid 75 million deutschmarks for their bomb. Meanwhile, the Planeteers find Blight's ship, and force MAL to activate the time machine. However, since the time machine is damaged, they won't have much time in the past. The Planeteers enter the time machine, but not before sticking a magnet on MAL, set to scramble his memory if they don't return.

Our heroes arrive as The Fuhrer wins the bidding war over the nuke. The Fuhrer holds a gun on them, while turning on the Blights in the process. However, Future Blight accidentally activates the countdown on the nuke. The Planeteers summon Captain Planet, who arrives just in time.



However, the mere sight of the Fuhrer begins to weaken Captain Planet. Apparently evil of his magnitude is one of Cap's weaknesses. But we all know it's probably really that caterpiller on The Fuhrer's face. However, despite The Fuhrer's "Super Evil", Captain Planet still manages to get the bomb into space, possibly destroying a planet or so due to the magnitude of the blast.

The US military shows up to arrest the nazis, as the Planeteers return to the present with the Blights in tow. Tai Li gives one of the soldiers a letter before leaving, warning about the dangers of the minefields. However, in a twist, the military get a hold of the Blight atomic bomb recipe. So, technically, the bad guys sorta won? Dr. Blight is responsible for the Hiroshima Bombing? Adolf Hitler honestly thought that mustache was a good idea?



Tai Li never loses her leg?

Man, the paradoxes this episode is causing are staggering.

And that's "A Good Bomb is Hard to Find". This episode is surprisingly stupider than the aids ep. From the plot itself, "The Fuhrer", the multiple time paradoxes, and the fact that the villains technically win in the end, this episode is a confusing mess. I understand the environmental messages behind the ep. The minefields, nuclear bombing, the evils of war. All really good messages. But they could've been handled much better than in a strange world war II plot such as this. A good bomb IS hard to find, and apparently so is a good episode of Captain Planet.

But I guess it could be worse. This episode could've been a really dark story about drugs or something...

Defenders of Dynatron City

An atomic bomb.

Dic: 1992

There's no tried and tested cartoon idea that has worked better than that of the super hero team.



From the established comic book heroes..



To the fresher takes..

There's just something awesome about a team of unique heroes who kick the ass of evil for the good of mankind. And rarely does the idea fail. But when it does, it's never a pretty sight. Case in point with our induction du jour, Defenders of Dynatron City. The little franchise that couldn't.



Defenders of Dynatron City made it's debut to the world as a videogame from Lucasfilm Games. It was released to the NES in summer 1992, amid solid hype from magazines. Believing that this was going to be the next Ninja Turtles, the creators sought out for both an animated series, as well as a comic book mini-series. However, the game still needed to be released first. And when it did, well all the hype was noting but squadoo. The game was torn to shreds by gaming critics for it's terrible controls, and poor gameplay. So, the bubble burst on the future of Dynatron City. As for the animated series, it only saw a pilot, which was released to home video. And, as you'd guess by me reviewing it on a blog called "Tooncrap", that it's not very good.

So, let's dive into this dynamic dud. Let's review this thing.



We open to the world of awful early 90's CGI, AKA Dynatron City, as a narrator tells us all about this wonderful place. How the city is essentially living in the wonderful atomic age, and everyone drinks delicious Proto-Cola.


Enjoy the refreshing taste of nuclear waste!



No, literally. As we see a man grow 2 extra arms after ingesting the stuff. Now he doesn't feel like the odd one out...


With his wife Oculous Orbus, and his son Charles and Mambo.

Yep, a future where people's differences, though caused by mutation, are happily accepted. Only in cartoons.



However, the creator of the cola isn't too fond of it becoming a massive hit. This man with the massive cranium also happens to be our villain, Doctor Mayhem. He created the cola to cause fear and panic, ultimately resulting in people leaving Dynatron City, which he apparently also created. But, despite the money he's making (Which despite the success of the cola isn't enough money apparently), he's quite disgruntled that it's such a success. He complains about it to...


Gleek? The hell?

Actually his name's Monkey Kid, and I guess he was the first to be mutated by the Proto-Cola.



"He was lucky to still be alive" says the doctor, after spilling the syrup on a big giant mechanical piece of foreshadowing. Doctor Mayhem is set to release his latest wicked plan, which is to unleash an army of robots on the city. Meanwhile, outside of the Proto-Cola factory, we finally meet our defenders.



Two Proto-Cola delivery people named Brett (AKA, Big Southern Fred Jones) and Wendy (Who carrys around a tool box, and has a very orgasmic over the top voice), an electrician named Mary, Who was apparently originally voiced by Whoopi Goldberg, but you can easily tell that the voice was removed prior to the video's released.

Wow, so even Whoopi didn't want a part of this... yet had no problem doing Pinocchio 3000. Hmmmm...

There's also their dog (who never gets an official name prior to his mutation)

When Bret and Wendy don't get paid by Doctor Mayhem, they enter the factory. They free Monkey Kid, and discover Mayhem's robot army. But before they can do anything about it, Mayhem catches them, as our heroes get sent into a giant vat, ready to be drowned in Proto-Cola. However, Monkey Kid is easily able to free himself, and he tries to free the others. However, a conveniently placed banana peel sends him accidentally crashing into the on switch, as the Proto-Cola dumps on our heroes. While all that's happening, Doctor Mayhem, and his robot cronies invade a nearby construction site, and destroy everything in sight.

Monkey Kid drops an electrical wire into the Proto-Cola vat, causing an explosion. In the process, it creates our Defenders of Dynatron City.



Mary becomes Miss Megawatt, with the power of electricity. The unnamed dog becomes Radium Dog. Wendy becomes Buzzsaw Girl, a mermaid-like being with a buzzsaw wheel at the end of her tail (which seems like more of an inconvenience than a great superpower). And Bret becomes Jet Headstrong, with the power to shoot his head like a projectile.



And Wendy's toolbox also becomes a superhero. Which is interesting, because I didn't think toolboxes had DNA to mutate.

Our newly powererd super team head off to fight Mayhem, without a batlte plan, of course.

They arrive just as Mayhem's robots have taken the city under siege. The newly christened Defenders of Dynatron City begin to defeat the robots. Using their super powers like Jet's rocket head, Buzzsaw Girl's super saw, Radium Dog's power orb/grenade thingy, Miss Megawatt's electric attacks, and Toolbox's.... Patented robot reprograming dance enducer?



You know, for a superhero made from a toolbox, I would have expected something less ri-fucking-diculous.

The heroes end up victorious. The robots are smited, and Dr. Mayhem retreats. Back at his lair/cola factory, he laments over only having the useless robot head as mentioned earlier.


Useless that is, until he realises there's an on switch.

Our villain, ladies and gentlemen. Brilliant enough to create a city of mutants. Stupid enough to not take credit. Stupider enough to not know how to use his own contraptions.



The giant robot head calls himself Atom Ed (And is voiced by Tim Curry). His power is to bring inanimate machinery to life. This pleases Mayhem so much, that he cackles all the way through the commercial break.



The Defenders make it to the Proto-Cola factory. While Monkey Kid tries to inform them that they need a plan, the Defenders prefer the "smashy smashy" approach instead. This plan fails of course, as Mayhem uses Atom Ed to defeat the Defenders using newly animated machinery. With the Defenders defeated, Mayhem has Atom Ed bring his whole factory to life, and sends it to destroy Dynatron City. Monkey Kid chastises the crew for not taking this whole hero thing seriously, and the crew finally come up with a plan.

After freeing themselves, the main heroes battle the newly animated factory, as Monkey Kid tries to dismantle Atom Ed. They manage to trip the factory, sending it crashing into the ground, and Monkey Kid defeats Atom Ed by using the off switch. Atom Ed crashes into Mayhem's ship, which sends the two of them into a trash bin, that gets carried off by a tidal wave of Proto-Cola.

Our heroes celebrate a job well done, while realizing there may be other dangers ahead, so they need all the regular items, like a command centre, vehicles, a fan club, a series that lasted more than a pilot. You know, the essentials.



However, unbeknownst to our defenders, Dr. Mayhem, and Atom Ed have wound up in a sewer, creating an army of fly soldiers from the Proto Cola. The episode ends with Dr. Mayhem vowing he'll be back.I guess that vow fell on deaf ears, as he never did. Nor did this show.

And that's Defenders of Dynatron City. An interesting idea on paper, but poorly executed. The heroes weren't all that dynamic. The plot was shoddy, even for a pilot. I will admit, if given a better polish job, there could've been some hope. But, in the end, it's just another piss poor Dic cartoon.

And one other irksome thing is that the villain's motivations were really moronic. He creates a mutated paradise, but is too much of a tyrant just to take the credit and leave things as is. He comes off as a very confusing, moronic, and somewhat stereotypical mad scientist. But one thing's for sure, no matter how insane, evil, and cold hearted he is...


He's got nothing on this asshole.