Tooncrap: Animated Atrocities

April Fool's 2011 Induction: "Disney's" Beauty and the Beast

2011-04-01T01:02:00.002-04:00

A Beastly Abortion

Disney: 1991

It's no secret that in the world of Disney, there have been some major stinkers. Like, for instance, Aladdin. A movie so bad, that I had a hard time sitting through it one year ago today. But as bad as that wretched dreck is, it's nothing on the Razzie nominated bomb, Beauty and the Beast. A movie with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

Memorable Characters? Nope.
Good Story? No sir.
Entertaining musical score? No way.

It's a steaming, stinking, pile of tooncrap that needs to be given a much needed slap around. So, let's not waste any more time. Let's review this stinker.

We open our film with a shot of Beauty and the Beast dancing, with a very bland song playing in the background.

Now, the first thing I gotta note is how bad the animation is. I know this movie was a year before Aladdin, but wow is this a step down for the animation department at Disney. And it doesn't get any better. And the 2nd is, um, spoiler alert perhaps? It's not even a minute into this film, and already it's looking like a happy ending.

After this quick song, we meet our protagonist, Beauty. Which is odd, because I swear most people refer to her as Belle, and the misleading cover art has her a brunette. Still, this is our hero. She greets her rich bitch sisters Elisha and Pauline, who are quick to mock Beauty's enjoyment of helping the poor. Hmm, uppity ugly sisters? Why do I get the feeling I've seen this shtick before? Oh right, it's similiar in the 1951 classic Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, only they were evil conjoined twin sisters.

Meanwhile, their father is coming to the realization that the clerks he hired to run his businesses have robbed him blind. Leaving him, his sons and daughters, headded straight to the poor house. So, the family end up moving into a farm. But, not even 2 minutes later in this film, good news seems to come around for them again, as one of their ships has docked, with possible spices and other valuable ilk. The sisters bicker their father for stuff on the possibility of their reclaimed wealth, while Beauty only wants a rose, because she's an uber babyface.

However, upon inspection of the ship, Father's hopes of reclaiming his fortune are dashed, as there's no ilk or spices of any kind. And, as if his day couldn't blow any more, during a lightning storm he ends up lost in the woods. He eventually finds a castle, and despite not seeing anybody around, assumes he's welcomed in. He makes himself at home, eats a meal, and nods off for the night. The next day, Father begins to head home, but not before taking a rose to give Beauty. This however, causes the weather to get windy and ominous for some reason, and it also introduces us to the Beast.

The Beast throws a hissy fit over Father taking one of his precious roses, ready to murder the literally poor man. When Father mentions that he was going to give it to Beauty, Beast devises a new plan. Have Father send Beauty to die at the Beast's hands instead, or he can just give Beauty the rose, and still be killed by the Beast. And if he doesn't comply, he'll just kill them both for the helluvit. For a Disney character, he's pretty damn bloodthirsty.

Okay, that seemed to silly to be accidental..

So, Father decides to give Beauty the rose, and sacrifice his own life. However, when Beauty becomes guilt tripped over the rose, she offers to go instead. The two head to the castle and meet with the bloodthirsty Beast. The deal becomes final, with Beauty now forced to stay in the castle forever, while her Father is sent home with tons of treasure to "lessen the pain". But in all honesty, it's a way of saying "Thanks for letting me perform horrible acts on your fair daughter." This angers the old codger, but Beauty forces him to leave with treasure in tow. That night, Beauty is ready for the beastialty that awaits her, but instead...

Gets a maid?

Actually, this is Clara. An enchantress that just so happens to live at the castle as the Beast's house... I mean castlekeeper. After we're introduced to this useless character, Beast shows up and informs Beauty that he's gone soft, and will not kill her. She's welcome to whatever she wants, except for escape of course. He then makes mention of wanting to marry her, to which she somewhat dreads/seems turned on to. That night, she looks for her bedroom when...

OH SHIT! IT'S THE PHANTOM BLOT!!!

No, it's just Clara tangled in a black sheet. She informs Beauty of where her room is. The room is decked out for her, containing a big bed and plenty of dresses. Beauty nods off, but in the middle of the night, she's visited by the fairy of the castle.

How many friggin' people live in this damn place?

The fairy warns Beauty that despite the Beasts supposed kind intentions, he's really a stone hearted prick. 6 months pass, as Beauty is more accustomed to castle life. She talks to Clara about the fairy's warnings, but Clara tells her that since the Beast is obviously been kind for half a year, then obviously the fairy was full of crap. That night, Beast asks Beauty to go to the balcony and dance with him. Gotta say, this is a very underwhelming scene. All the stuff I heard about great special effects, and a great song is actually just a quick 40 second scene at best. No wonder this earned Disney a Razzie nom. This is shameful.

Beast intentions weren't just to dance, but to pop the question. However, Beauty declines. I guess six months of kindness, and free accomodations wasn't enough to throw the poor sod a bone. She asks to visit her family. He begins to complain that he'll die of lonliness, but she assures him that she'll come back in a week. He eventually sees it her way, and lets her go. He gives her a magic ring that can apparently give her the power to teleport back home, and back to the castle if she desires. They dance again to the same reused animation, and Beauty heads off to sleep. But not before the fairy comes back to in her dream to tell Beauty to just leave without returning, and letting Beast die in the process. Beauty doesn't buy it, until the fairy informs her that he's a killer. And for her big finale, shoots a blast of light in the sky, which causes the voices of Beasts victims to wail out to Beauty. So, in a nutshell, the poor girl's got some stuff to mull over.

Just as Beast promised, the ring causes her to return back home to her once again wealthy family. She informs the family about the ring and that the Beast will be dead in a week, and that she plans to return. This arouses the ire of Pauline and Elisha, who plan to keep her past the week, so Beast will die, and she'll have to envy them. Yep, she's going to envy these two nasally hags because they aided in the murder of someone she considers a friend.

Pauline and Elisha blow.

And despite their obvious bitchiness, she gives in and continues to stay. However, before Beauty can commit lonelycide on the Beast, Clara shows up to bring Beauty back to the castle. She returns to notice the flowers wilted, and Beast unconscious on the balcony. She heads to his side...

But sadly, Beast is dead.

Oh right, this is a Disney film. We need a quick fix happy ending. And in this case, the power of Beauty's tears not only revive the Beast...

But also manage to turn him human. Alright then.

Actually, it's her "pure heart" and her allowing to be his wife that actually broke the spell. So, the two dance one more time, and the movie finally comes to an end.

And that's Disney's Beauty and the Beast. What a pile of trash. Bad animation, no songs, awful voice acting, and and absolute lackluster plot. This was a major step down from what Disney had brought with their 1989 animated classic "The Littlest Hobo". It's a snorefest of a film with plot holes. In the end, what was the point of the fairy? Clara was the best comic relief they could come up with? This movie is a black eye that Disney has never recovered from. This is almost embarrasing as the infamous "Song of the South Dakota". It's a beautifully disasterous pile of tooncrappy drek.

But considering the cult fanbase this movie has, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm not seeing the positives this may have. Maybe I didn't give it a chance. Maybe I just reviewed a really bland Golden Video version as a lame April Fools prank. Who knows? Oh wait, I DO know.

Captain Planet: A Good Bomb is Hard to Find

2011-03-10T21:56:00.013-05:00

Especially when this show is a dud.

Turner: 1995

Ah, Captain Planet. If only every cartoon could deliver such joyous amounts of fail. Yep, we're talking about the Cap and his posse of planet protecting global goofballs once again. When last we left our heroes, they tackled the HIV virus, and the predjudice of a bloodthirsty town that was ready, willing, and able to lynch a kid infected by it. But thanks to our strange blue man in a red speedo, the town soon learns the error of it's ways. Now, you're wondering, what could possibly be a bigger challenge to the Planeteers than a deadly virus?

Why, Adolf Hitler and the A-Bomb of course.

If this is your facial reaction to that little revelation, I wouldn't blame you. Yes, having dealt with pretty much every major and minor environmental threat, it was time for the show to deal with the greatest villain in world history, the friggin fuhrer. But if that wasn't enough, we have to deal with the A-Bomb (not from A-Ri), a crippled kid, and plenty of paradoxes, each more maddening than the last.

So let's waste no more time, and let's see how the captain makes this happen. Let's review this thing.

We open our episode with our villain du jour Dr. Blight finishing up her time portal, with her computer sidekick MAL (Voiced by Tim Curry), constantly being a whiny bitch. Upon activating the portal, she is greeted by the future version of herself, with her annoying sidekick GAL (Voiced by Kath Soucie). Future Blight is pissed that in her time, the world is rid of bombs and all kaboom-related material. So the two come up with a plan to build a nuclear warhead, and sell it to the highest bidder. But since you can't just walk into a store and buy plutonium, the time gap gals steal some from a truck. Gaia briefs the Planeteers about the purloined plutonium, and they head off to stop them.

However, the weather starts to get rough, as the Blights' ship's too heavy to handle the storm. Both Blights fight over who keeps the plutonium, but then quickly reconsile, and enter their handy dandy time portal, with plutonium in tow. The Planeteers are also stupid enough to fly in a lightning storm, and almost crash. But before they're goners, they summon our favoirte blue fashion victim, who keeps the ship in the air. Upon landing, the group gets confronted by German soldiers. Cap makes short work of them, as the planeteers escape. Gaia warns our heroes of the Blight duo's plans, as Cap decides to take a break for now.

Our heroes land one a minefield. and are saved by a one legged girl named Tai Li, a victim of said minefield . She decides to aid our heroes in the fight against the Blights and their bomb. Meanwhile, the bomb is complete, and the Blights are ready to sell it to "The Fuhrer"

Oh, I'm sorry, I meant Adolf Fu Man Chu.

Which brings us to the big question, why are we making such a drastic change to the image of one of the biggest pricks in history? Hell, it's not like the kids who watch this show don't likely have a grip on who Adolf Hitler was, or weren't going to soon enough. So unless there's Fox News really does own the rights to Hitler's likeness, why are we lacking in the infamous Hitler stache? Now, before you can say "maybe it's not supposed to be Hitler", deep down, you know that's who this is supposed to be. The fact that they play up how evil the sumbitch is pretty much sums up all the evidence needed to confrim that that is indeed the Adolf we all know and not love.

The blights give the Nazis a demonstration of what the bomb can do by blowing up an abandoned village. Despite the concern of the bomb being too powerful, The Fuhrer is impressed enough to bid 75 million deutschmarks for their bomb. Meanwhile, the Planeteers find Blight's ship, and force MAL to activate the time machine. However, since the time machine is damaged, they won't have much time in the past. The Planeteers enter the time machine, but not before sticking a magnet on MAL, set to scramble his memory if they don't return.

Our heroes arrive as The Fuhrer wins the bidding war over the nuke. The Fuhrer holds a gun on them, while turning on the Blights in the process. However, Future Blight accidentally activates the countdown on the nuke. The Planeteers summon Captain Planet, who arrives just in time.

However, the mere sight of the Fuhrer begins to weaken Captain Planet. Apparently evil of his magnitude is one of Cap's weaknesses. But we all know it's probably really that caterpiller on The Fuhrer's face. However, despite The Fuhrer's "Super Evil", Captain Planet still manages to get the bomb into space, possibly destroying a planet or so due to the magnitude of the blast.

The US military shows up to arrest the nazis, as the Planeteers return to the present with the Blights in tow. Tai Li gives one of the soldiers a letter before leaving, warning about the dangers of the minefields. However, in a twist, the military get a hold of the Blight atomic bomb recipe. So, technically, the bad guys sorta won? Dr. Blight is responsible for the Hiroshima Bombing? Adolf Hitler honestly thought that mustache was a good idea?

Tai Li never loses her leg?

Man, the paradoxes this episode is causing are staggering.

And that's "A Good Bomb is Hard to Find". This episode is surprisingly stupider than the aids ep. From the plot itself, "The Fuhrer", the multiple time paradoxes, and the fact that the villains technically win in the end, this episode is a confusing mess. I understand the environmental messages behind the ep. The minefields, nuclear bombing, the evils of war. All really good messages. But they could've been handled much better than in a strange world war II plot such as this. A good bomb IS hard to find, and apparently so is a good episode of Captain Planet.

But I guess it could be worse. This episode could've been a really dark story about drugs or something...

Defenders of Dynatron City

2011-02-09T21:49:00.022-05:00

An atomic bomb.

Dic: 1992

There's no tried and tested cartoon idea that has worked better than that of the super hero team.

From the established comic book heroes..

To the fresher takes..

There's just something awesome about a team of unique heroes who kick the ass of evil for the good of mankind. And rarely does the idea fail. But when it does, it's never a pretty sight. Case in point with our induction du jour, Defenders of Dynatron City. The little franchise that couldn't.

Defenders of Dynatron City made it's debut to the world as a videogame from Lucasfilm Games. It was released to the NES in summer 1992, amid solid hype from magazines. Believing that this was going to be the next Ninja Turtles, the creators sought out for both an animated series, as well as a comic book mini-series. However, the game still needed to be released first. And when it did, well all the hype was noting but squadoo. The game was torn to shreds by gaming critics for it's terrible controls, and poor gameplay. So, the bubble burst on the future of Dynatron City. As for the animated series, it only saw a pilot, which was released to home video. And, as you'd guess by me reviewing it on a blog called "Tooncrap", that it's not very good.

So, let's dive into this dynamic dud. Let's review this thing.

We open to the world of awful early 90's CGI, AKA Dynatron City, as a narrator tells us all about this wonderful place. How the city is essentially living in the wonderful atomic age, and everyone drinks delicious Proto-Cola.

Enjoy the refreshing taste of nuclear waste!

No, literally. As we see a man grow 2 extra arms after ingesting the stuff. Now he doesn't feel like the odd one out...

With his wife Oculous Orbus, and his son Charles and Mambo.

Yep, a future where people's differences, though caused by mutation, are happily accepted. Only in cartoons.

However, the creator of the cola isn't too fond of it becoming a massive hit. This man with the massive cranium also happens to be our villain, Doctor Mayhem. He created the cola to cause fear and panic, ultimately resulting in people leaving Dynatron City, which he apparently also created. But, despite the money he's making (Which despite the success of the cola isn't enough money apparently), he's quite disgruntled that it's such a success. He complains about it to...

Gleek? The hell?

Actually his name's Monkey Kid, and I guess he was the first to be mutated by the Proto-Cola.

"He was lucky to still be alive" says the doctor, after spilling the syrup on a big giant mechanical piece of foreshadowing. Doctor Mayhem is set to release his latest wicked plan, which is to unleash an army of robots on the city. Meanwhile, outside of the Proto-Cola factory, we finally meet our defenders.

Two Proto-Cola delivery people named Brett (AKA, Big Southern Fred Jones) and Wendy (Who carrys around a tool box, and has a very orgasmic over the top voice), an electrician named Mary, Who was apparently originally voiced by Whoopi Goldberg, but you can easily tell that the voice was removed prior to the video's released.

Wow, so even Whoopi didn't want a part of this... yet had no problem doing Pinocchio 3000. Hmmmm...

There's also their dog (who never gets an official name prior to his mutation)

When Bret and Wendy don't get paid by Doctor Mayhem, they enter the factory. They free Monkey Kid, and discover Mayhem's robot army. But before they can do anything about it, Mayhem catches them, as our heroes get sent into a giant vat, ready to be drowned in Proto-Cola. However, Monkey Kid is easily able to free himself, and he tries to free the others. However, a conveniently placed banana peel sends him accidentally crashing into the on switch, as the Proto-Cola dumps on our heroes. While all that's happening, Doctor Mayhem, and his robot cronies invade a nearby construction site, and destroy everything in sight.

Monkey Kid drops an electrical wire into the Proto-Cola vat, causing an explosion. In the process, it creates our Defenders of Dynatron City.

Mary becomes Miss Megawatt, with the power of electricity. The unnamed dog becomes Radium Dog. Wendy becomes Buzzsaw Girl, a mermaid-like being with a buzzsaw wheel at the end of her tail (which seems like more of an inconvenience than a great superpower). And Bret becomes Jet Headstrong, with the power to shoot his head like a projectile.

And Wendy's toolbox also becomes a superhero. Which is interesting, because I didn't think toolboxes had DNA to mutate.

Our newly powererd super team head off to fight Mayhem, without a batlte plan, of course.

They arrive just as Mayhem's robots have taken the city under siege. The newly christened Defenders of Dynatron City begin to defeat the robots. Using their super powers like Jet's rocket head, Buzzsaw Girl's super saw, Radium Dog's power orb/grenade thingy, Miss Megawatt's electric attacks, and Toolbox's.... Patented robot reprograming dance enducer?

You know, for a superhero made from a toolbox, I would have expected something less ri-fucking-diculous.

The heroes end up victorious. The robots are smited, and Dr. Mayhem retreats. Back at his lair/cola factory, he laments over only having the useless robot head as mentioned earlier.

Useless that is, until he realises there's an on switch.

Our villain, ladies and gentlemen. Brilliant enough to create a city of mutants. Stupid enough to not take credit. Stupider enough to not know how to use his own contraptions.

The giant robot head calls himself Atom Ed (And is voiced by Tim Curry). His power is to bring inanimate machinery to life. This pleases Mayhem so much, that he cackles all the way through the commercial break.

The Defenders make it to the Proto-Cola factory. While Monkey Kid tries to inform them that they need a plan, the Defenders prefer the "smashy smashy" approach instead. This plan fails of course, as Mayhem uses Atom Ed to defeat the Defenders using newly animated machinery. With the Defenders defeated, Mayhem has Atom Ed bring his whole factory to life, and sends it to destroy Dynatron City. Monkey Kid chastises the crew for not taking this whole hero thing seriously, and the crew finally come up with a plan.

After freeing themselves, the main heroes battle the newly animated factory, as Monkey Kid tries to dismantle Atom Ed. They manage to trip the factory, sending it crashing into the ground, and Monkey Kid defeats Atom Ed by using the off switch. Atom Ed crashes into Mayhem's ship, which sends the two of them into a trash bin, that gets carried off by a tidal wave of Proto-Cola.

Our heroes celebrate a job well done, while realizing there may be other dangers ahead, so they need all the regular items, like a command centre, vehicles, a fan club, a series that lasted more than a pilot. You know, the essentials.

However, unbeknownst to our defenders, Dr. Mayhem, and Atom Ed have wound up in a sewer, creating an army of fly soldiers from the Proto Cola. The episode ends with Dr. Mayhem vowing he'll be back.I guess that vow fell on deaf ears, as he never did. Nor did this show.

And that's Defenders of Dynatron City. An interesting idea on paper, but poorly executed. The heroes weren't all that dynamic. The plot was shoddy, even for a pilot. I will admit, if given a better polish job, there could've been some hope. But, in the end, it's just another piss poor Dic cartoon.

And one other irksome thing is that the villain's motivations were really moronic. He creates a mutated paradise, but is too much of a tyrant just to take the credit and leave things as is. He comes off as a very confusing, moronic, and somewhat stereotypical mad scientist. But one thing's for sure, no matter how insane, evil, and cold hearted he is...

He's got nothing on this asshole.

Thumbelina

2011-01-23T02:44:00.015-05:00

Thumbs Down

Warner Bros: 1994

Well, here we are. After dealing with 3 of the infamously bad early 90's Bluth films, we're down to the last one. The animated adaptation of the Hans Christian Anderson classic tale, Thumbelina. It features the voice talent of Ariel herself, Jodie Benson, as the titular Thumbelina, and has that really beautifully done Bluth style you know and love. So, with some good going for it, how can it be bad? Mean, who else is doing voice work?

Carol Channing? Well, I guess that's not very bad.

Charo? Damn. Even for the mid 90's, that's dated.

Gilbert Gottfried? Good to see our old pal yet again.

Yeah, the cast isn't exactly what you call spectacular, but It has to have some great songs, right?

Wait, it won a Razzie for "Worst Original Song?" The only animated movie to be nominated for a Razzie until 2009 too? Good god, what am I getting myself into?

Well, let's not waste any more time. Let's get out some pesticide and deal with the buggy Thumbelina. Let's review this thing.

We open to Paris, in the grand ol' year of once upon a time, as a bird flies around an early 90's CGI town. He stops and introduces himself as Jaquimo, swallow extraordinaire. He continues to fly about, singing a song called "Follow Your Heart". The song itself isn't too grating, but not exactly the best song to open your movie with. He flies into a library (I guess), and tells us about stories of people doing impossible things, as the camera pans to a tiny pink book. The story of Thumbelina.

The story goes that a woman, unable to give birth on her own, gets a magic barleycorn from a witch. Suprisingly not confused on how the hell this would give her a kid, she takes the barleycorn and plants it. Soon, a flower grows, and from it comes our pint sized protagonist, who seems to have gone through the majority of puberty during her flower child days. We go to our next song, as the farm animals sing the praises of Thumbelina. Not a horrible song to be honest, as Jodie Benson is a great singer.

Later on, Thumbelina asks her mother if there are any more tiny folk around, while wishing she were big. Her mother tells Thumbelina of the fairies, which leads to our next song, as our miniature maiden sings about someone who'll find her and love her. And, just as she's singing, she's greeted by a fairy prince named Cornelius. The two hit it off, and decide to ride around on his pet bee. And from there, not even 3 or 4 minutes in, we're greeted with our fourth song already. Which, given the current situation, feels like a knockoff of "Whole New World". Other than that, it's not bad I guess.

After their trip, Cornelius takes Thumbelina home. However, his stuffy bitch of a mother discovers that ol' Corny's absent, and calls for him. Cornelius asks to see Thumbelina again tomorrow, to which she agrees. Wow, a promise in a movie. There's no way that something bad could happen.

Oh shit.

So, Thumbelina get's kidnapped by a frog. Cornelius learns of this news, and sets off to rescue her. Thumbelina, being a surprisingly heavy sleeper, soon wakes up to find out she's not in the same place she was when she dozed off.

Her kidnapper reveals herself as Mrs. Toad, played by Charro. And if any of you younger than 20 actually know who the hell Charro is, consider me shocked. She's the mother of three frog lads, Mozo, Gringo and Grundel. She's kidnapped Thumbelina, to get her to marry her oldest son, Grundel. To which she describes in song of course.

And from here is where the song quality in this movie takes a god damn nosedive. It's more of an annoying song, than terrible. But trust me, we're not even reaching the worst songs yet.

The frogs make Thumbelina wait, as they go round up the family. As she waits, Jaquimo, the swallow extraordinaire, shows up. When Thumbelina tells him that it's impossible for her to get off the lillypad she's on, he helps push the pad across the pond. You know, instead of just putting her on his back, and flying off. And sure enough, the lillypad is headed towards a waterfall. But before our inch high heroine falls to her death, she's rescued by some bugs. Jaquimo heads off to find Cornelius, but not before giving us another song. Well, the first song from the movie again, but in a more grandious scale. After the song, Jaquimo heads off, as Thumbelina begins her journey.

Now, why the hell can't Jaquimo just take her with him? I get that he's not that big a bird, being just a swallow and all, but I doubt that Thumbelina's that heavy. All that nothing is impossible rhetoric, and it's apparently impossible for Jaquimo to take her with him?

Jaquimo JaquiBlows

Thumbelina continues her quest, until she's met by a beetle named Berkeley, voiced by our good buddy Gilbert Gottfried. He's a somewhat lecherous pop star, who in exchange for helping her get to the top of a tree to find her way home, has Thumbelina sing and dance at the beetle ballroom. Which leads to our next song. I guess that's not so bad. I mean, Jodie Benson is....

Oh no.

NO!!!!

HEAVEN HELP US NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gilbert Gottfried's singing again! Really? Somebody thought that shrill voice was worthy of a musical number? AGAIN!??

The song turns ugly on Thumbelina, when she's revealed to have no wings, and is considered ugly by the beetlefolk. After that humiliation, she's greeted again by Jaquimo, who hasn't found Cornelius, but is in time to give her a pep talk. Meanwhile, we see Grundel is searching for Thumbelina, as is Cornelius, who get info from people she's met so far about her whereabouts. Grundel forces Berkeley to find Thumbelina, by ripping his wings off.

That's for singing!

As all that happens, it suddenly turns into Winter. Cornelius ends up falling into a lake, which immediately freezes. Berkeley and his beetle backup singers find him. We get another forgettable song, from Thumbelina's mother this time, as we continue the plot. Thumbelina once again wakes up to unfamiliar territory as she's greeted by Mrs. Fieldmouse, voiced by Carol Channing, who cheers Thumbelina up by telling her bluntly that Cornelius froze to death. .

Classy, Mrs. Fieldmouse. Just classy.

Knowing of Thumbelina's voice, she decides to bring her to meet a very snobby individual named Mr. Mole. Thumbelina tells the story of her and Cornelius, through song of course. After this sad tale, Mr. Mole decides to take her to see a dead bird. Brilliant segue.

Oh, and it's Jaquimo. Boy Old Man Winter's really fucking with Thumbelina isn't he?

Damn you, you lousy.... season.

While she mourns, the rodents plan to make Thumbelina marry Mr. Mole. Damn, the amount of implied beastiality in this film is staggering. Mr. Mole offers Mrs. Fieldmouse a handsome reward for getting this marriage arranged. Sadly it's not all the cheese in the world.

Conor's already got that.

Mrs. Fieldmouse tries to convince Thumbelina to Marry Mr. Mole. And how, might you ask? Through god damn song of course. Ladies and germs, your Razzie award winning song, "Marry the Mole". It's not horrible, it's just really, really dull. Even Carol Channing seems to be phoning it in. By now, the movie has been plowed by songs. Some good, some bad, but all of them at least seemed like they had effort put into them. This one certainly does not.

After that "song", Thumbelina goes to her fallen bird friend. However, after wrapping him up in a blanket, he suddenly comes back to life. Energetic, he finally offers to take Thumbelina to the prince. However, she still believes that Cornelius is dead, and declines. But that doesn't stop that uber cheerful bird from trying to find him anyways. Meanwhile, the bugs from earlier find Cornelius, and try to thaw him out. And of course, being a kids movie, he survives despite hypothermia, and lack of oxygen for what has to be days.

Thumbelina goes through with the wedding to Mr. Mole, as we hear Cornelius singing (given this movie's quota on songs, what else would he be doing?). She declines the marriage offer. However, Grundel shows up, forcing Thumbelina to now deal with the horny toad. She runs off, as everybody gives chase. But it's Prince Cornelius to the rescue, as he does battle with Grundel. But sadly, the two fall to their death.

Thumbelina escapes. Jaquimo shows up, and finally flies her away from the madness. Thumbelina starts to sing, which causes flowers to bloom. And, because they're not gonna off the love interest, Cornelius shows up. The two kiss, which for some reason gives Thumbelina wings. I guess she was a fairy all along.

The two head to the fairy world, and get married. As everybody lives happily every after. Everybody except for Thumbelina's mom, because we never resolve if they ever got reunited. Figure that one out for yourselves kids. Oh, and Mrs. Toad, who now has to mourn a dead son. The End.

And that's Don Bluth's Thumbelina. Is it a bad movie? Yes. But I will admit it's definitely not the worst of the early 90's Bluth bombs. It has great animation, decent voice acting, and some okay songs. Problem is the plot's rather dull, and the majority of the songs are really bad, especially Gottfried's song, and "Marry the Mole". It's not as dumb as Rock a Doodle, not as annoying as The Pebble and the Penguin, and not as saccharin as A Troll in Central Park. But despite being better than those, it's still tooncrap.

Frosty Returns

2010-12-18T00:22:00.019-05:00

'Snow doubt about it. This is awful

Broadway Video: 1992

Christmas is rapidly approaching, and more than likely by now, you've seen several of the classic holiday specials air on television. Maybe it was Rudolph, with it's mean spirited reindeer, and utter asshole Santa. Maybe it was the Grinch, with the wonderful narration of Boris Karloff, and the questionable meals of roast beast and Who hash. Maybe you watched one of the billion Christmas Carol related cartoons, or that Shrek special that sucks an ogre's ass (and this coming from somebody who liked the first couple Shrek films). But if you're like me, you anticipate one special. And that's the Rankin-Bass classic, Frosty the Snowman.

Heaven help me, I love this snowy moron.

I really doubt I have to go into much detail on this special, but for those who may have missed it sometime in the last 41 years, the story tells of Karen and her friends, who build a snowman. However, thanks to the help of a magic hat owned by terrible magician, and all around lanky prick Professor Hinkle, the snowman, named Frosty, comes to life. He marches around, sings, and has all sorts of fun shenanigans. However, because heat and snowmen don't get along, it's up to Frosty, Karen, and Hinkle's rabbit Hocus Pocus to book it to the North Pole. All while Hinkle gives chase, trying to get his hat back, instead of giving the snowman life. Even going to the point of locking Frosty and Karen in a greenhouse, causing Frosty to melt.

Hinkle blows. Also, I'd like to see his credentials. I highly doubt he's a professor.

But, Santa comes to the rescue, restoring Frosty, and putting Hinkle in his place, so that's a plus. It's a better job than the Santa from Rudolph, who would insult Frosty for even being alive, and serving no worth to him.

Dickhead.

Frosty the Snowman is an instant classic. It has great music, wonderful animation, likable characters, even the villain. And the story is classic, giving plenty of humor, excitement, and drama from start to finish. It's everything a true holiday classic can hope to be.

And then, 20+ years later, a sequel was made. Despite a few specials, there was never really a true sequel to the original. And in 1992, Frosty returned in... well... Frosty Returns. Did it retain the spirit of the original?

Hell no!

Frosty Returns, released not by Rankin-Bass, but by Lorne Michael's Broadway Video, is a half hour snowball to the nutsack. An awful main song, lame and dated (even by 1992) humor, political and environmental overtones, and, to be honest, If you didn't include a talking snowman, I'd swear this was some half assed Peanuts special judging by the animation (done by Bill Melendez Studios, so that's why). It's a cold hearted cash in literally lacking in the Christmas spirit.

So, let's not waste any more time, and look at this animated equivalent of yellow snow. Let's review this thing.

We open our tale with falling snow, and our narrator, a miniature Jonathan Winters, riding a snowflake to a really terrible animation effect. Well, he's no Jimmy Durante, but he'll do. But the question I've always had is, I know he's the narrator, but what is he? An angel, a conscience, the worlds shortest midget? Help me out here cause it's really not explained. He's just known simply as the narrator. So, all narrators are an inch high?

After the opening credits, we head to the town of Beansboro, which according to Micro-Winters, holds an annual winter carnival. The town is covered in snow, which means it's a snow day. But sadly, it's not the forgettable Nickelodeon movie Snow Day, it's the one where rejected Peanuts kids sing about the greatness of snow, and where the adults bitch about how snow is an eyesore, and heart attack enducer.

From there we meet our protagonist Holly, and her friend Poindexter... I mean, Sex Changed Marcie... I mean, Charles. Despite the two not being invited to play with the other kids, Charles suggests making "snow fertility goddesses" (Because either Angels is too religious for this special, or Charles is a smartass). Holly has other ideas, and instead decides that the two should rehearse their magic act for the winter carnival.

Their act including sawing the brainy little toad in half.

However, after opening the window, Holly's hat flies away. She gives chase, until it eventually lands on a Snowman. The Snowman, as expected, comes to life.

Oh boy, Frosty's alive! I wonder if his first words will be something cute like "Happy Birthday"

"Whoa no you don't. You wanna take somethin', take the tie. Unless you think I need it. How do you dress for this winter carnival anyway? I mean, I don't wanna underdress. But I could get away with a tank top or something more cas."

No... Just... No.

Oh goody, we went from simple and friendly, to annoying talking entity. I honestly doubt anybody was looking for a wise cracking Frosty. And nothing against John Goodman, who's just reading the material and getting the cheque.

Holly and Frosty get formally introduced. He dances around, sings opera (why? I don't know), until Holly's mother shows up with a spray can. The stuff's called "Summer Wheeze", and has the power to dissolve snow with one spray.

Cut to our villain, Mr. Twitchell, at a board meeting. One of his lackeys suggests hanging a banner at the winter carnival, which leads to Twitchell revealing his true motives. He wants to be the king of the winter carnival. That's right, his big evil plan is to be a "king" of some stupid holiday festival. Then again, it's not as bad as getting a whole town to go after a kid with HIV.

Realizing Frosty's two squirts away from being history, Holly tries to hide Frosty in her fridge as she goes to school. However, she soon realizes that Charles appears to be the only other person concerned about the impending death of Winter. She ditches school, and meets up with Frosty, who didn't like staying in the fridge because it game him freezer burn. The two converse, as people pass by, not caring that a snowman is ALIVE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! We then get the main song of the special "Let there be Snow", as Frosty sings about all the things snow is good for. This is then sequed into what is easily the worst rap I have ever heard in my life, as coincidentally at this very moment, Twitchell is rapping to the exact same song about how much he's glad that there will be no more snow, and how he'll be king of the winter carnival. Seriously, this harbors dangerously close to Gottfried bad.

Charles meets Frosty. And being the skeptical little douche he is, refuses to believe a talking, walking, unfunny snowman is in front of him. However, Frosty's dancing jackassery catches the attention of Twitchell, who sends his cat to chase after them with a can of Summer Wheeze.

Doesn't exactly get the job done, but still sends a convincing message.

The big day of the winter carnival arrives, as Twitchell arrives, with evil in his heart, and a can of Wheeze in his hands. However, Holly approaches him, and scolds him about how Summer Wheeze is dangerous. They then unveil Frosty..

Who's alive and well despite not wearing the hat. *Cough*Continuity*cough*

Frosty and the kids sing "Let There be Snow" again, as Twitchell tries to run them over, only to end up falling into a frozen lake. The town, not calling the news, or filming the miracle of a talking snowman, decide to make Frosty the king of the winter carnival. The trio take a toboggan ride, until they find Twitchell. feeling sorry for the old fool, they give him the crown and cape, along with their toboggan ride. Frosty, deciding that this place is boring, leaves. The end.

And that's Frosty Returns. It's a lackluster special. Its story is stupid, the characters dull, Frosty tries too hard to be funny when he isn't, the main song isn't catchy, and it's just forgettable. The polar opposite of the special it's leeching off of. It's also arguable if this is a Christmas special or not, since it doesn't mention the holiday at all, and the story involves the Winter Carnival. But despite that, it still gets regular airtime every holiday season alongside the original. And yet a far better special like "Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol" goes on forgotten. 'Tis a shame.

The Care Bears Nutcracker Suite

2010-12-05T22:00:00.017-05:00

Sickeningly 'suite'

Nelvana:1988

It's that time of year again. The time where the weather gets colder, the streets get more colorful, and crazed people rampage through department stores in search of the newest fad toy. Yep, it's the holiday season. The fat man in red is on his way again, and TV channels dust off 'Rudolph'', 'The Grinch', and 'Frosty' as the much needed nostalgia boost for those who know the true weariness of this time of year.

When it comes to the realm of the animated, no other holiday has seen more specials devoted to it. Maybe Halloween, and Arbor Day, but not many others. Christmas is such an easy holiday to devote a special for, to the point that most follow familiar formulas.

A Christmas Carol for example. All folow the same formula of the Dickens classic (though some deviations). However, despite it being done ad nauseum, it still somehow manages to work most of the time. It's a timeless tale that deserves the love and respect it gets. Even if it does feel more like a lack of originality.

However, I've never understood the same for the Nutcracker. It's always been one of those stories that has bored me. Yet somehow, it's spawned dozens of animated, and live action specials, and films.

Even one as recent as this year. In gloriously gimmicky 3D.

Which brings us to the induction du jour. You'll remember that last year, I inducted the final Care Bears movie, "Adventure in Wonderland". A movie that felt less like a trip into the Lewis Carol classic, and more like a very lackluster episode of the Care Bears cartoon. Complete with terrible songs, animation not up to par with the movies before it, and like the movies before it, a blonde female protagonist.

With Nelvana still at the helm of the television rights, and with Care Bears still somewhat popular (though by 88, they defintely weren't top shit anymore), they released one more animated special. the first since "Care Bears and the Freeze Machine" back in 84. So, hopefully it's half decent. Really in this case, half decent's the best I can hope for.

So, let's Care Bear stare this thing to death. Let's review this thing.

We open our special at a rehearsal of the Nutcracker, with a young girl named Holly, and her teacher (And totally not our protagonist), Ms. Walker. Holly's excited about being involved in the performance, which is more than she can say about her brother Chris, who feels jaded at the lack of action, and his goofy attire. Through exposition (AKA the likely fact that nobody cares about the Nutcracker), Ms. Walker and Holly tell Chris about the story of the nutcracker. Ms. Walker then tells the two that the classic version of the story isn't the only way the story was told, and begins to tell her students her favorite version of the classic tale, the one with the Care Bears.

We then go to Care-a-Lot, which is celebrating Christmas time. And Hugs and Tugs, the diaper-donning Scrappy Doos of the series, are looking for an ornament to put on the christmas tree. But no avail. But the search is interrupted by Funshine Bear, who informs the care bears of a sad little girl. Oh, it couldn't possibly be a young, blond protagonist would... Oh, you already know the answer to that. So, Funshine and Grumpy (Still the best Care Bear ever), set off to air her. However, having Funshine drive the cloud car wasn't wise, as she crashes it conveniently at the home of Anna, our protagonist (and totally not Ms. Walker).

Anna is sad because her bestest friend of friends in the history of friendliness has moved away, leaving her depressed. Funshine tells her to just try and keep in touch with her friend through writing letters, and phone calls. But Anna is still depressed.

But suddenly, the plot arrives through a portal in the form of a nutcracker doll, who's somewhat brain retarded. Having no memory of who he is, or how he functions. Through the portal also arrives the rat king and his cronies, who chase after our heroes. In the commotion, they run into Anna's brother Peter (literally). The chase ensues in and out of the house, as the rats get a Funshine stare, and hit with snowballs. In the middle of the hijinx, the nutcracker remembers why the rats are after him. He's from a place called Toyland, which is being invaded by the evil Vizier, and his army of rats. He's kidnapped the Sugarplum fairy, so it's up to the Nutcracker to put a stop to it. So after a few more minutes or being chased around by the rats, the care bears stare the rats back into Toyland. Grumpy and Funshine then send the signal out for the other Care Bears to come to their aid on their quest to save Toyland. Tender Heart Bear, Braveheart Lion, Lotsa Heart Elephant....

And stowaways Scrappy and Doo.

The bears decide to leave Hugs and Tugs with Anna's little brother Peter (who to be honest is about as mature as they are), despite his kvetching. However, the trio decide to leave for Toyland anyways. Cut back to the present, as we get a reminder of what just went down by Holly and Ms. Walker, which works if this aired with commercials, but really should've been cut for home releases. Back to the story, we head to stately Vizier castle, as we see the Sugarplum Fairy held captive by the evil Vizier...

The slightly less compitent brother of Jafar's less intimidating brother.

Apparently the Vizier is looking for a magic ring, and is trying to cough up the info from the fairy. Vizier uses Hypnosis. it doesn't affect enemy Sugarplum. The Rat King shows up to give him even more bad news, that the Nutcracker, and his crew of merry morons are coming. Meanwhile, said merry morons arrive in toyland, however without a game plan as to how to get to the Vizier's castle. If only there was a conveniently placed train inside a giant present box.

WOW! I totally wasn't expecting that!

The group board the train, unaware of the tyke trio tailing behind them. After a few minutes of driving around, and seeing the saccharine sights, the group make it to a demolished Toyland. The group try to find a way to refuel the train, as some toys and gingerbread men attack them. The Care Bears make quick work of them, while also reuniting with Peter and the cubs. The toys try to apologize, informing them that they were only trying to take the train, and trying to get the hell out of toy Dodge. The Care Bears quickly forgive them, and ask what happened to Toyland. Through exposition (AKA a toy clown), we learn that the Vizier and his rodent crew took over Toyland castle, and overthrew the prince. But before he was defeated, the prince gives the fairy his magic ring to hide from the Vizier.

Oh, and unbeknownst to anybody, the Nutcracker's the prince.

After the tale, the Nutcracker gets ridiculed by the toys for being the clumsy fool he is. Boy, I haven't seen a town that douchey since that one town that tried to lynch a kid with HIV. After a stern talking to by Braveheart, they apologize, and offer their help. They all head back on the train, but are soon stopped by the rats again. But being as incompitent as they are, they're quickly defeated. But not before kidnapping Peter and the cubs. The group continue on to the castle. They dodge guards, and make it to the palace. Meanwhile, being the moron he is, the Rat King gets tricked by Peter, who escapes with the cubs. The heroes free the fairy, who gives them the location of the ring, which was conveniently placed in a walnut in the throne room. Hey, if it means this is over quicker, I'm fine with this stupid outcome.

However, they're too late, as the Vizier gets a hold of the walnut first. The care bears get put out of commission with the use of taffy, and the rats surround Anna and the Nutcracker. The Vizier wins, the cartoon ends....

Or it should, but the vizier is unable to open the walnut. Instead of using, you know, a hammer, he forces the nutcracker to break it by turning the care bears into firewood. The nutcracker refuses, and our heroes are sent to the dungeon. Before Anna joins the kindling collection, the Nutcracker agrees to the Vizier's demand. However, before that happens, Hugs, Tugs, and Peter get the ring and try to escape. But, after another chase scene, the rats recapture the nut. The Ntcracker opens the nut, but again before the Vizier can win, the sugarplum fairy intervenes, and puts the ring on the Nutcracker's finger, turning him back into the prince.

Using his deus ex machiring, he restores Toyland to it's original shape. After that, our heroes say goodbye to one another, with Anna saddened that she may never see her former wooden friend again. We then realize that it was apparently all a dream of Anna's, as she wakes up in her bed, to Peter and a new kid named Alan (Who I guess is supposed to be the prince, I guess).

Ms. Walker finishes up the story, as her husband Alan shows up. Oh, I guess Ms. Walker was Anna all along. I never would've guessed that. The Care Bears cheer and dance up in the rafters.

This special is far more tolerable than Care Bears in Wonderland was. It's still well animated, and doesn't drag as much as the movie does. But it still suffers from a weak plot, some minor design recycling, and the big twist at the end was already done (and far better) in the original Care Bears movie. Not to mention, the "it was all a dream, or was it" ending does seem a bit flat. While it's definitely not held up well, it's sill okay for little kids. But for the sake of completion, this toon still gets the crap treatment.

But there's one thing that bugs me here. Now, in the end scene, we see the care bears celebrating, including Hugs and Tugs, who are still babies. Now, this has to be 20-30 years since this adventure happened (If it really did), so they should be grown up by then. Unless Care-A-Lot is where the fountain of youth is located, this is still pretty damn odd.

Dunce Bucket

2010-11-08T22:36:00.025-05:00

Well, at least it lives up to it's name

Teletoon: 2009

Comedy is perhaps the most subjective thing of all. What one person percieves as outright hilarious, another could consider to be downright rubbish. It's all a matter of taste. So, I know when I induct something, that there's a good chance that somebody enjoyed the actual product. However, with the induction du jour, I don't know if even the biggest fan of shock value comedy would crack a chuckle at the canuck crock that is Dunce Bucket.

A little background on this first. Dunce Bucket was one of several shows that were a part of Teletoon's "Pilot Project". A web based competition where people could vote to see what show would see the glory of a complete series on Teletoon's late night block. The contest consisted of a few would be animated pilots. Among them were Angora Napkin, which to this point I have not bothered to watch. Fugget About It, or as it should be more accurately titled, "The Sopranos go to Canada", and Dunce Bucket, a 22 minute animated sketch comedy show that clings a little too lovingly to the sphincter. And while I'm not opposed to toilet humor, the problem that lies in this bucket is that it's jokes are empty in value, and full of shit.

So, let's look at this slop bucket before the Godwinns come to take it back. Let's review this thing.

The theme song pretty much sums the direction this show wants to go. Ahem...

"And I quote...."

It's time to get retarded.
It's time to have some fun
and if you want to join me, you won't be the only one

And so we begin..

Our first skit is a chicken crossing the road to get over to chicken heaven on the other side. He dodges the cars, and then random stuff like ninjas, arrows, the KKK (?), gets zapped, blasted, infected, and eventually blown up by a suicide bombeer. But he still manages to cross the road. However, the twist is that despite the seductive poultry sign, "Chicken Heaven" is actually a KFC, and we end our skit with our plucky, clucky protagonist brutally slaughtered, and turned into a meal.

"I guess the yolk's on him!"

The next skit is a pinata party gone awry when the blindfolded kids goes on a rampage. Beating the bejesus out of all the kids there, as well as an old lady. After his unintentional slaughter-fest, a girl runs away, only to run into the barbecue, and burns to death.

Our next skit is a pregnant woman sleeping, when the door bell rings. Her baby pops out of her, and leaves the room, where a bitching party is going down, as well as other lewd acts. At least I think there is, because all you see for 90% of this skit is the frigging umbilical cord.

Next up is "GPS for Men", which is a commercial parody. The GPS for men is a device for pussy whipped men that gives them the correct responses when put in a troubling situation. This shot is actually not bad. The joke's funny, albeit unoriginal. and it doesn't crib on a shock value joke to keep it from drowning in stupidity.

And from that shining hope comes....

A skit with two dildos talking to each other... yeah.

Next up is a french cartoon called FiFi and Bo Bo. The joke.... They say "Fuck" a lot. Essentially, it's every 2nd word. And this short drags for a good minute or so. Then they get killed by a cloud god... I don't know why. This is just bad. And trust me, we haven't seen the last of skits where the F word is prominent.

Next up is a home shopping network bit, with the ultimate stain remover, the "Stain to Dust", or STD for short. The creator gives a demonstration of how it works by puking, and punching the host.

Ever hear the joke that a hermaprodite is most likely told to "go fuck themselves"? Do you find it funny enough to hear 3 or 4 times? Because this show feels the need to do this interlude a few times.

And we follow up with a skit involving a girl named Dana, who, you guessed it.... Says "Fucking" a lot.

I'm sorry, but is fuck really that funny of a word? I get when you're a kid, it's chuckle worthy, but when you're older it's really nothing major. Definitely not something that warrants 3 whole skits where it's both plot and punch line.

Next up is two stick figures trying to have sex, but since their stick figures, don't exactly know how to. It's definitely a bit funny, but it's joke goes on for a bit too long.

We have a clown vs mime short. It feels sorta reminiscent of Spy Vs Spy. The mime sees a pie, which has an extendo glove. It punches his balls literally out of him. The clown laughs at his prank, as the mime creates an imaginary golf ball, that smashes through a window. A big naked guy whows up, kicks the clown in the balls, which fall out his nose.

Our next skit is a chess battle, and an over eager white pawn who's ready to kick some black ass.

"Race humour: It's fantastic!"

Next up is a monster truck-esque commercial for the accountants technology expo. It's a funny idea, but again feels a little long in the tooth.

After another hermaphrodite skit, we get guys arguing over how to crucify Jesus.

Next is a commercial for the "After sex doll". Like the GPS for men, it is a pretty funny idea, and the humor actually works without relying on shock value or the ability to cuss.

Another clown vs mime short. The mime eats a clown cake, which causes him to have a shit so epic, that he literally shits out his skeleton.

We follow that up with a barber killing a man in front of his kid, because it was his first day.

Since I guess this character was funny enough to warrant a 2nd short, Dana returns. This time saying fuck and shit in front of a priest. Again...

Next is an old Chinese lady who kills two chuckling stoners.

A stick figure pole dance. Followed by the hermaphrodite bit again.

The final short is "Trigger happy" featuring a hunter who goes insane, and murders everything from bigfoor, a car, a whale, every known mythical creature, and finally finishes it off by killing a leprechaun.

And that's Dunche Bucket. Well, it sure lived up to it's song, as it was indeed time to get retarded.

I'll get to the positives before we get to my main gripes.

The animaition for the shorts are very well done. Plenty of variety, with almost no two short looking alike. The voice acting is great too, with the most notable VA being Christian Potenza. And with me being a fan of Total Drama, it's hard for me to be mad at him for anything he does.

Now my gripes. The show just isn't funny. Most of the skits rely on the idea that as long as the punch line is either lewd, dirty, or shocking, it equals funny. That's just not the case here. The F word isn't funny, especially when put on overkill. The skits need better structure. And even though majority of the shorts are under a minute, that doesn't mean there's not room for a solid, redeeming punchline. And yes, I know this is a pilot. It's intent is to get it's feet wet. But if it doesn't fix it's flaws, it's doubtful it'll ever get greenlit as an existing tv show. But for now, it's bottom of the bucket Tooncrap.

Hell, it almost makes Madballs "Gross Jokes" look like Carlin in comparison. And I already feel dirty for giving that shlock praise.

Ronald McDonald in "Scared Silly"

2010-10-14T00:32:00.003-04:00

So stupid, it's scary

Clasky-Csupo: 1998

This week, we return to the realm of the animated, and what better cartoon to induct, than one starring one of the most beloved mascots of all time.

Sadly, no.

I'm talking about that beloved heart clogging harlequin, Ronald McDonald.

Ronald has been the face of fast food for almost half a century. The mascot of the McDonald's restaurant, he's been our unassuming friend since our childhoods. With a warm smile, and goofy antics, he's warmed our hearts, and fattened our stomachs with his delicious drug that is McDonald's fast food. Ronald was first played by Willard Scott in 1963.

He looks more like Ronald McHobo here.

And from there, he became a television name. His white and red face plasted on Saturday morning tv, enticing the kids with adventures in his "So not a Sid and Marty Kroftt knockoff" McDonaldland. It was a brilliant scheme. Have Ronald's goofy adventures shown to kids, have kids pester parents to go to Mickey D',. buy the food, roll in the cash. Clearly a marketing success.

And as you'd guess, since it was a success, it had a damn cartoon.

Well, in this case, it was a series of VHS tapes released only at where else? McDonalds, of course. There were five in all, each with the classic ugly animation of Clasky-Csupo, and the rather stupid stories that each run 40 minutes. Jeez, that's almost as long as a Video Brinquedo movie "shudders*. The series was called "The Wacky Adventures of Ronald McDonald". Well, when your protagonists are a clown, a dog, a bird, a kleptomaniac, and.... whatever the hell Grimace is, there must be some wacky adventures to be had.

Now, before people rag on me for not being overly fond of the Clasky-Csupo animation. I will say that I am a big fan of Rugrats (Well, the classic episodes at least), and I do thank them for being the animation company in the early days of the Simpsons. But seriously, 9 times out of 10, the characters on their shows look horrible.

But we'll get into that, as we talk about our induction du jour, the first in the "Wacky Adventures" series, "Scared Silly". Which is as blatant a false advertisement as you can get. There is nothing scary, or silly in this video.

But enough talk, let's get to watchin'. Let's review this thing.

We open our show with the theme song. We see Ronald's home in the live action universe, Casa de Arch Deluxe, as Ronald's dog Sundae (an original character for the series), is awakened..

Sweet sassafrass, that's an ugly dog.

Ronald awakens, and begins his daily routine of using Rube Goldberg inventions, spinning portraits of his friends to look like hideous redesigns, and cosplaying. But eventually, he gets dressed right, and the theme song ends. The theme song is half decent. The singer does a good job, but it's just not very catchy. And while the intro does the job of introducing Ronald and his wacky hijinx, it really doesn't wow you like say a more quality intro like Rugrats (Keeping it in the Clasky-Csupo family). It's definitely not the best way of starting our wacky adventures.

We open our episode with Sundae watching scary public domain footage, as Ronald joins in. But they're movie viewing is interrupted by a call on Ronald's picture phone. Why it's Tika, everyone's favorite McDonaldland character.

Wait, who?

Through the magic of bad 90's CGI, Tika invites Ronald and the deformity known as Sundae, to a camping trip with the gang. Sundae is not happy at the idea of camping in the woods (Yes, that thing can talk), but Ronald tells him to stop being a wuss and come along too. After some more wacky goofiness with Ronald's tent-in-a-flashlight invention, they enter McDonaldland. Which, for some unexplained reason, turns them into cartoon character. Is McDonaldland an alternate demension? Is it like Cool World, only kid friendly? Hell If I know.

Jeez, he looked less creepy in the live action bit.

So, the gang all enter Ronald's car, and head off to the woods. The gang consisting of Ronald, Sundae, Tika, the regulars like Birdie, Grimace, and the Hamburglar, and some not so regulars like a couple of the fry kids, and the McNugget buddies.

Who, honestly, are perhaps more disturbing than Sundae. I mean, were they born that way? Were they rejected McNuggets? Are we lead to believe that the McNuggets were never really chickens to begin with, but their own seperate creatures having nothing to do with the fowl in question? Whatever they are, they sure are creepy and delicious.

During the trip, Tika frightens the talking purple butt plug known as Grimace about the farflung phantom, that apparently lives in the forest. But Ronald eases the tension with a song about the Farflung forest. The flowers, the caves, the frogs, the logs, Fred Penner. You know, the basics. And it's about as annoying as you'd expect. After that forgettable song, our heroes finally arrive at the forest. Tika drops a walkie talkie, and in a manner that doesn't make you pull out your Ackbar alarm, tries to cover up her reasons for having one. All the while, the group are being spied on by cameras situated around the woods.

The group takes a break, as Hamburglar (Who has somehow gotten over his Robble impediment) suggest Ronald whips up some magic. Ronald suggests that Hamburglar could use the excercise, and that they'll have some "magic fun" later. So HB, being the douche he is, decides to scare the campers by making bear noises so Ronald will use his magic.

I think Hamburgular just dropped a quarter pounder.

The bear chases after our heroes. And surpsisingly, despite living off a diet of delicious McDonald's food, the group manages to outrun the angered ursine. Ronald then creates a door, and lures the bear through it.

"You're subspace's problem now"

After dealing with the wrath of Yogi, the group set up camp. And of course, they do it through song. And like the other one, it's pretty bland. After that, they all sit by the fire and Hamburgular continues to torture Grimace with the tale of the Farflung Phantom. Ronald and Sundae take a walk, when they happen upon a conveniently placed evil laboratory. He comes back to HB getting his jollies scaring the gang, while realizing that Tika and the McNugget Buddies have gone AWOL.... For like 20 seconds. And suddenly, in another act of plot convenience, it starts to rain. But hey, there are some conveniently placed flowers that can double as umbrellas. But the weather starts getting rougher, and Ronald suggests they all head to the house they saw earlier.

They enter the house, with it's eerie cobwebs, and dark atmosphere. And of course, they start to sing ANOTHER SONG. This one is a bit better than the other two, but it is hindered by people who are really phoning in trying to sing. They then enter a room with creepy frightening holographic furnature (?), and see three doors lacking knobs.

But before you can say "this video is seriously lacking a floating head" an apparition appears, giving them a cryptic riddle. Essentially to stand on a giant dinner plate drawn on the floor until the doors open. The Fry Kids, being impatient, and really not having anything to do with fries, end up falling through the trap door.

Sorry, no Berk here.

The group then enter a hallway, and enter each door. One contains a room that starts to shrink around them (Cool, I've played Resident Evil too), to a library with revolving book shelfs that separate the buddies from the group.(Cool, I've used Bebe's Kids for the SNES as a door stop too). Hamburglar fiddles with a lever, that traps our heroes in a hall of mirrors The glowing head gives them a clue to use their left hands. Ronald says that his uncle had a hedge maze, and by keeping his hand on the walls at all time, he got out.

That makes zero sense. How the hell could having your hand on the maze make a lick of difference? There's still a high percentage of taking the wrong turn and getting stuck with or without your bloody hand on the maze. And I do mean bloody. Who keeps their hands on sharp hedges as they're walking around? Whatever, this is clown shoes logic from a clown.

But the trick still manages to work. As they find their way out of the maze, while singing. Of freaking course. This songs sounds almost exactly like the last one. Meaning, it's pretty bad. They enter the next room, which now uses the gimmick or moving walls. They all lean into the corners, in a solution that's a bit more logical than the left hand theory. During this, Tika breaks kayfabe telling them that this was the farthest she's ever gone. Doing so causes the room to vanish, and the head reappear. The head refers to himself as Franklin, and that world is his game. He then offers them their freedom if they'll play him in a game of trivial pursuit: Jambi's less flamboyant brother edition. However, our heroes being morons, fail and fall into more traps. Ronald, Sundae, and Grimace remain. Ronald gets the question right, winning the game, and causing Franklin to pull a Christian level tantrum. While he leaves, Ronald and co. find a wire that will lead them to Franklin.

In the end, we find out that Franklin is some kid who had Tika and the McNuggets lure the hamburger happy clown into his trap. But he fails, Ronald survives, and his father shows up to scold the bejesus out of his son. Tika apologizes to Ronald and the gang for her web of deceit, and they all decide to continue their camping.

And that was "Scared Silly", it's pretty cra... Oh, wait. There's more live action stuff. Ronald and Sundae finish watching their stock footage horror movie.

Either this was supposed to be a cute ending, or the real scary moment of this video. Either way, it bears repeating, THAT IS AN UGLY ASS DOG!

Scared Silly isn't the worst thing ever. The animation's fine, and it's plot doesn't drag too bad. But the music, the characters, the voice acting, and the overall feel of the toon still feels off. Like it's missing something that would make it epic. It's tooncrap, but definitely not the kind that little kids coulden't enjoy in some capacity, so it's at least worth a watch.

But who would've figured that not too long after, the same company that gave us these iconic characters would soon treat them like the ghost in the room. Not too long after these were released Ronald and the gang were completely dropped from all McDonald's commercials (Well, except for Japan, but the less said of those insane comemercials the better.) So what happened to Ronald McDonald? Well, after no longer being the smiling face of fast food commercials, he took a vacation to a land where the pale redhead could be accepted, Ireland. In an act of self reinvention, He ditched the makeup, and suddenly found a massive interest in weight lifting.

And the rest, as they say, is history fella!

Goosebumps: Don't go to Sleep

2010-10-14T00:22:00.001-04:00

Scared Plotless

Scholastic: 1997

Chances are, if you were a child of the 90's, you had a friend, or had a classmate, or bullied a kid who read these books. Hell, chances are you even read 'em yourself.

I didn't. *straightens invisible tie* I was an Animorphs kid myself.

Ah Goosebumps, back when popular Horror literature didn't involve shiny vampires. Okay, it had green growing goop, and kids that were really dogs, but I digress.

The book series was created by R.L Stine. If you took out the I, you could play the bonus round of Wheel of Fortune with his name.

Jeez, that mole on his forehead is more frightening than his books.

Stine was an author, who had got one of his first breaks with his teen horror books "Fear Street". After the success of Fear Street, Scholastic hired Stine to work on a series of childrens horror books. And Thus in 1992, Goosebumps was born. The books became a massive hit, lasting in it's initial run from 1992-2000, with 62 original books, 2 spinoffs, and a boat load of merchandise. From toys, to stationery, even the sweetest plum of them all.... their own special special edition fruit by the foot wrappers! The books would go on to be one the best selling book series of all time, and a massive success.

I feel like at this point of the blog I say something that has to do with successes and TV shows.

Yep, even a children's book series isn't prone to this theory, as in 1995, in response to the success of "Are You Afraid of the Dark", Goosebumps got it's own TV show on Fox Kids (or YTV up here in Canuckland). The best I can say about the show is it's.... Well, kinda bad. First off, it was filmed in Canada, which meant the effects look cheap, the acting is wooden, and the only scares you might get is the frightening sensation that this looks pathetic. Though some episodes did have future hollywood actors in them, like Ryan Gosling, and Hayden Christiansen (So Star Wars purists can go ahead and blame this show as the start of where it all went wrong).

Second off, the episodes weren't in order of the actual books. Which wouldn't be so bad, if they weren't stupid enough to do silly things like Do the other Night of the Living Dummy stories except the very first one. Apparently it was going to be made, but it never did due to the source material being too scary. Uh, gee, I can't help thinking that's the whole damn point of the tv show to begin with. It's supposed to be scary you fools.

Third, especially by the end, you could tell this show just didn't give a damn anymore. From basing episodes not from the full novels, and instead from exerpts from the short story adaptations, and even original episodes that were just nonsensical and stupid (I'm looking at you Chillogy). The show was definitely ready for a mercy kill by the time our Induction Du Jour was released. The episode "Don't go to sleep". An episode so stupid, nonsensical, and apparently so far deviated from the actual book that it makes your head spin like an evil dummy.

Trust me, between this episode, and another one that's more disturbingly paedophilic, this one was the more oddball to go with.

So reader beware, chances are you may or may not be in for a scare. Let's review this thing.

We open our terrifying tale, with our protagonist Matt. Matt's a whiny kid, who feels jilted by the fact that he doesn't have the priviledges of his older siblings. You know, personal phones, the ability to stay out psat 5:PM, dropped testacles, you know, the basics. He asks his mother if he can move his room to the unused attic, since he's only got the one tiny bedroom. When his request is denied, he throws a pouty fit about being the youngest. But since our protagonist is a pouty rebel, he decides to go into the attic anyways after his mother leaves. He proclaims he's sick of reality, and quicky nods off, as the room literally starts to spin.

He awakens to his happy family, who are proclaiming him to be an amazing hockey pro (With this being made in Canada were you expecting him to be a pro at anything else?). While all this happens, an ominous limo approaches Matt's house, containing within...

The Men in Black? Sadly no, and sadly that means you're got getting neuralized after this episode is over. We'll get more into these two later.

Matt's mom gives him a pep talk as they head to the big game, Matt all the while still confused. According to his mother, he's leading the league in goals, despite Matt's claims to have never played Hockey. It's game time, as Matt gets chewed at by his coach. Which, this being a Canadian show, is of course...

Don Cherry.

as Cherry rambles, Matt gets murdered on the ice. Sadly, not literally, but he still gets completely clobbered, by not just the rest of the hockey players, but also by the two men in black from earlier, dressed as hockey players. Matt gets the prepubesence knocked out of him for a little while longer, until the two men give chase. Matt skates into an ominously lit exit.

He then ends up in the cheapest looking operating room ever, now given the task of performing brain surgery on the president. And of course the tension is added with the most frightening special effect of all.. Fish eye Lens!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

The men in black return, and Matt leaps into another illogical reality, where he has to defuse a bomb. He argues with the bomb squad for a bit, and this goes nowhere. The bomb goes off, I guess, as Matt leaps yet again. This time, he's in a tux, and at a wedding. And as you'd guess, he's the groom. As he walks the aisle (Sadly with a lack of style and profile), the guests all tell him that he's lucky to have found such a great wife. he gets the altar, and meets his blushing bri..

GAH! Even with the fisheye lens that's creepy.

She whines to Matt about being late for the wedding, and eats an egg.

The hell?

But he's spared from this nightmare, as the two men in black finally catch up with him. He ends up at the supreme court of the unified universe, where the men in black finally tell them who they are. They're the reality police. And they're bringing him to the high judge of reality (???).

Viewer beware, you're in for EXTREME CLOSEUP!

The judge tells Matt that he's in trouble for pretty much bad mouthing reality, and is guilty of being a whiny bitch. He sentences Matt to..

An enternity in Hell?

But before anything can happen, his mother wakes him up. She decides to let him move his room in the attic, an idea he's no longer fond of. He gets his stuff out of the attic, and, learning nothing from this ordeal, once again bitches reality, which leads to the Reality Police returning to, I dunno, beat the bejesus out of him. The end.

For a show that was pretty bad to begin with, this was pitiful. The special effects were lame, nothing about it was the least bit scary, even for a little kid. and the logical plot in itself is just lame. A pouty kid hates real life, so he gets chased by the reality police through one cheap set piece after the next? Viewer beware, I just do not care. And this was during the season affectionately titled "Ultimate Goosebumps". And for those who know well enough, any show with "ultimate" or "extreme" in the title is an ultimately extreme turd. So, while not toon, this is definitely crap.

Hammerman

2010-09-17T17:53:00.017-04:00

Please Hammer, Stop Hurtin' Me

Dic: 1991

Ah, the 1990's. When video games ruled, the term "Saturday Morning cartoon" wasn't just a relic of the past, and a guy in parachute pants was the biggest thing sine sliced bread.

In the early 90's M.C Hammer became a household name, after his song "Can't Touch This" became not just a hit, but a monolithic hit. One that honestly sums up the early 90's in my opinion. Hammer mania was in full swing, as the man was everywhere. From shilling popcorn chicken and Pepsi, to even having his own dolls.. While you could argue about his family friendly rapping, his sampling of other songs, or even his ridiculous getup, you can't deny that the Hammer was a success.

And you know what happens when I say something's a success. That's right, they most likely have a cartoon.

And that was indeed the case in 1991, as ABC and our favorite DICheads gave us the cartoon starring, and I quote, "The first musical hero".

Well, Elvis, the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, I could kinda go on all day. But I guess technically the first CARTOON musical SUPERhero.

The Cartoon was Hammerman, and hoo boy, all it hammered was the nail in the coffin of musician cartoons. Bad animation, a stupid plot, 90's celebrity egostroking, and all the other lessons that ABC and Dic clearly didn't learn from the New Kids cartoon that aired the year prior. Isn't that right Jordan Knight?

Jordan Knight: Seeing me.. in a cartoon show... is kinda putting me in a fantasy land.

Always inspirational.

So, let's not waste any more time, let's throw on the parachute pants, and get to inducting. Let's review this thing.

The opening theme is sung by Hammer himself, and it's a very half assed rap song. Very rarely does a rap song sound as scripted as this. But since we have to get the back story of the show, it makes sense. Essentially the plot goes that a long time ago, a "Hip Hop MoTown Dude" had a pair of magical shoes that gave him super powers.

Magical TALKING shoes. That's not the least bit creepy.

But since the MoTown dude is too old to keep up with the superheroics, he instead gives the shoes to a guy named Stanley (aka Hammer's real name). So, whenever Stanley puts on the talking shoes, he becomes a superhero of lightly epic proportions.

Now that we know the plot, let's look at an episode. The first episode ever, "Defeated Grafitti"

And of course, what would a Dic celebritoon be without a live action intro? As Hammer and some fine young eggs talk about the episode in question. To be fair, at least Hammer seems far more interested than Gretzky or Bo did in Pro Stars.

The kids then dance horrendously, as we finally get to our episode. We see some kids dancing in the street as..

Good lord, I'm not even 30 seconds in, and I'm repulsed at the animation. It's clunky as shit. There's not fluidity to the animation, characters look and move as stiff as cardboard, and it just looks so friggin' cheap. This is the same company that did Pro Stars and New Kids. And while both shows sucked, they didn't have abysmal animation like this. This is the worst I've ever seen from Dic, and that's saying something.

The "dancing" is interrupted by Gramps, who informs in song to the kids that in his heyday, the music was much better, over this hippin' and a hoppin' with it's bippin plus some boppin'. But his soulful spasms are interrupted as the local library is on fire, with the librarian trapped. However, the fire department is run by morons, so it's up to the one man who's 2 legit to quit. Hammerman arrives on the scene. He rescues the librarian, and then dances, causing the closest water tower to come to life, and put out the library's flames.

Wait, what?

Hammerman saves the day, and turns back into Stanley. He thanks the shoes for their help, before throwing them in his gym bag. Stanley has doubts that he's the right guy for the job, as he heads to the local rec center. There, Jodi, Gramps' grandaughter (duh), is painting a picture, while telling Winnie, one of the workers there about how awesome Hammerman is. But a busted pipe floods the center, and destroys Jodi's crappy painting. And she begins to bitch because nobody wants to see her picture. She leaves the center, and runs into a kid who's grafitti tagging a building. He dares her to start tagging, which she accepts, because she's gullible. But as that's happening, she's being spyed on by the villain du jour, Defacely Marmeister.

Marmeister's big plan is to dupe Jodi and the rest of the kids into working for him, and paint the town with his evil paint concoction, which makes anything painted come to life. Kind've a lame plan, but hey, it's not as bad as getting a kid with HIV lynched by an ignorant town. Stanley heads out to see what's going on, but accidentally gets the wrong gym bag, the one not containing his super shoes.

Boy, is he in for a surprise.

Super powerless, Stanley discovers Marmeister robbing a bank truck, with the help of a giant fire painting. Stanley tries to call the cops, but gets captured instead. Marmeister brings the grafitti around Oaktown to life, as his fire lackey uses the evil spraypaint to turn Stanley into a painting. Jodi eventually finds out that the creepy looking guy in the hat may just be up to no good. She also hears Stanley singing, and with the help of Gramps, the two rescue Stanley, and destroy the deviant doodle. Stanley gets the right bag, as he turns into Hammerman. He then proceeds to defeat the grafitti monsters..... While "Can't Touch This" plays in the background. I can bitch about the animation. I can bitch about the plot, but dammit to hell, I love that song.

After Hammerman makes short work of the art work, Marmeister kidnaps Jodie.

But his deus ex machipaint backfires, when Jodi draws a cop, which arrests our freaky foe. Jodi fesses up for her graffito tagging, and promises to stick to the canvas, not the walls.

And of course, we end the episode with the legit Hammer reminding us of the moral we just heard a minute ago.

Remember kids, graffitti is bad, but excessive spending is A-OK.

There's another episode I could review. One with essentially the same plot ideas, Jodi bitching about not being respected, and a few other things. But I can stands no more.

And that's Hammerman. This cartoon is bad. The animation is pathetic, character designs look bad beyond compare, the plots are beyond stupid. But hey, at least they do have some of those legendary Hammer tunes. But that's not enough to save this from being tooncrap. It's just another celebritoon that just doesn't work. Do yourself a favor, and

Don't touch this.
This toon sucks ass so hard
Makes me say, oh my lord
screw you, for cursing me
with the animated equivalent of feces
It's bad, cause it makes you frown
This stupid ass cartoon from the DICtown
This show's bull, and such
And this is a cartoon you don't touch.

The Pebble and the Penguin

2010-09-12T23:52:00.024-04:00

Stone cold crap

MGM: 1995

Penguins. What is it about them that makes them such a beloved creature? Is it their cute look? Sympathy for their lack of flight? Respect for being so snazzy dressed?

Well, whatever it is about them that's so beloved, it sure has shot out a plethora of penguin related programming over the years. And 99% of the time, it's a icy cold piece of penguin poop.

Although there are some exceptions to the rule (As seen above), the majority of movies and shows starring penguins are rather crappy. There's Happy Feet, which if you take out the dancing, is actually a rather bland movie. There's march of the penguins, which is rather dull to be frank. There's farce of the Penguins, which isn't that funny. And there's our induction du jour, the mid 90's Bluth Bomb, The Pebble and the Penguin.

As documented before, the early 90's were not kind to mr. Bluth, who seemed to suffer through one stinker after another. It wasn't until Anastasia that things seemed to be back on track. But in that dark age of the early 90's, the stinkers were major. And Pebble and the Penguin is definitely one of the bigger offenders. Suffering from lackluster animation, a dull plot, boring songs, and, as Roger Ebert would point out, some interesting color coding when it comes to the heroes and villains of the movie.

So, with the intro out of the way, let's dive into the icy abyss that is this film. Let's review this thing.

We open our film to narration, telling us that every year, the male penguins of Antarctica give their beloved a pebble, and if she accepts it, they mate for life. And from there, we get our first song, "Now and Forever". It's clearly the movie's big song, as it has the most effort put into the animation, as well as being almost 5 minutes in length. And yet, the song is really dull. We also meet our protagonist, the "lovably" awkward Hubie (Voiced by Martin Short). We also meet Marina (voiced by Annie Golden), who Hubie falls instantly in love with.

After song finally ends, Hubie tells a story to three annoying bird kids about how he's in love with Marina. And through a wacky mishap, he falls off a hill, and crashes into Marina. He stutters like the shy fool he is, and she just laughs.

But meanwhile, on the top of a really tall hill for some reason, their conversation is being watched over by our main villain Drake (Voiced by Tim Curry, who's doing perhaps the worst tough dude voice I have ever heard). He has the hots for Marina, and vows to make her his wife. Later that night, Hubie and Marina are still talking, which leads to another song about what Hubie thinks about. It's a pretty bland song, and despite some decent visuals, is, like the rest of the songs in this film, instantly forgettable.

The next day, all the male penguins set out to find their pebbles. Hubie is the most eager of the bunch, but being the putz he is, is constantly defeated in his pebble quest. With all hopes of macking Marina destroyed, he wishes on a star to give him a perfect pebble.

The fates find pity on our feathered shlub, and a meteorite crashes in front of him, leaving a glowing green rock. Hubie takes it, unafraid of possible radiation poisoning, or what have you, and takes it to Marina post haste. But Drake trips him, and sends our hero plummeting into the icy water below. But hey, he's a penguin, he can just swim back. It's not like something bad's gonna...

Oh crap.

Our hero gets almost eaten by a giant leopard seal, but manages to escape the beast on an ice flow. However, the flow takes him miles away from Antarctica, to a place with an enemy even greater than the seal.... Man.

She knows from experience.

Hubie ends up on the good ship Misery with several other penguins. The other penguins tell Hubie about their plights..... In song of course. Another forgettable song, moving on. After the choreographed tale of woe, the humans arrive with a rather rowdy penguin, which they end up caging. This angry fella is Rocko the rockhopper (Voiced by the other Belushi). The other penguins inform out heroes that their fate is to be sold to a zoo, which Rocko clearly has a problem with. While that's going on, Hubie's pebble shows him a vision of Marina talking about how much she loves him, as Drake tries and fails to win her over. With 10 days to make it back to Antarctica, or Marina will be banished for not choosing a mate, Hubie asks Rocko to go with him in exchange for helping him escape. The two manage to escape, leaving the other penguins to suffer the fate of zoo life.

Dicks.

The two wind up in Tahiti, which greatly upsets Hubie. Being the moron he is, he can't get back home on his own. And Rocko, being the grumpy douche, wants Hubie to leave him be. Hubie asks him if he has a dream, to which Rocko replies that he wishes he could fly. Knowing of his secret, Hubie BSes Rocko to help him get back home, with the possibility of being able to fly.

Meanwhile, at castle Grayskull's winter lodge, Drake gloats about Hubie's death, as our heroes hop a cruise ship lifeboat. They make a stop at an island, where Rocko tries to fly off a cliff, and fails because he's a moron. The two bicker for a while, as a storm goes by. Back to Drake, who's attempts at getting Marina to be with him continue to be denied. And of course this leads to another song, this time with Tim Curry singing. And I can't believe I'm saying this, but even with Tim Curry singing, it's pretty awful.

With the road home rapidly approaching, Hubie decides to tell Rocko that he was BSing him all this time just so he would help him get home.

He takes it as well as you'd expect.

But after almost killing Hubie, Rocko pulls the mother of all mood swings, and starts laughing about the whole ordeal, as the two make up and head for Antarctica. Back home, Marina sings about Hubie. This song's decent, but again, nothing memorable. Our heroes are still on the road to Antarctica as Rocko tries to toughen up Hubie, and......

Hold on, stop for one second. Just caught a nice animation error

Throughout this scene, Rocko's feet vanish. This wouldn't be a bad thing if it was minor, but it happens several times in the one scene. That is just lazy.

The two find a seal's fishing hole. Rocko's eager to go in to get some food, while Hubie stutters and worries as usual. They go in the hole, and chase after some glowing fish. But that doesn't last long as they're chased by our old pal the leopard seal. But yet again, they manage to escape the seal. And what better way to celebrate a near death experience, than with another song. Which feels more like a vaudevillian trainwreck. Sappy jokes, poor singing from Short and Belushi. For the buddy song of the movie, it's just awful. After surviving the seal, Hubie loses the pebble, and encounters some evil killer whales. Rocko fights them off, as they just so happen to bring Hubie to Drake's skull palace.

But sadly Rocko has perished.

But no time to mourn, as it's time for the final battle of the movie. Drake decides that he's no longer giving Marina a choice, and kidnaps her. But it's our stuttering hero to the rescue. The two face off, and Hubie gets slaughtered. But with some encouragement from his young bird friends, he's back on his feet, ready to face off with Drake again. This time, instilled with the power of love, and all that nonsense, he beats the ever lovin' bird poop out of Drake, sending him falling to his death. With the villain vanquished, Hubie proposes to Marina.

And hey, Rocko's alive and well too. How shocking. Our heroes reunite, and everything's happily ever...

Oh shit.

Drake is still alive, and throws a giant rock at Hubie. Unfortunately this causes castle grayskull to collapse. A giant rock falls on Drake, killing him for reals this time. Our heroes, stuck with no hope of survival, fall to their deaths. I must admit that's a rather sad way to end....

UUUUUWHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!???????

In the ultimate act of Deus Ex Machina, Rocko, through some unknown reasoning, is now able to fly (Without flapping his wings BTW), as he saves our heroes from suffering an untimely dearh. Marina accepts Hubie as her mate, and the movie is finally over.

This movie sucks mostly because it's just boring. The songs, the characters, the story, and the conflict. Mix it with some dull animation, and you have a pretty bad movie. The voice acting is blech at best. It's rare that I'd ever say that Tim Curry does a bad job, but this is one of the rare times I can' bare to listen to the man. Martin Short does fine, but giving Hubie the annoying stutter got annoying from the get go. Jim Belushi does a fine job, so does Annie Golden. But the most damning thing about it is, how can Rocko suddenly fly? Did he make some sort of wish/deal with the Devil before he reunited with Hubie? I get that it's supposed to be the big moment of the movie, but it just feels so nonsensical, even for this cartoon.

This movie is a fine representation of why for some reason Penguins just can't be in good movies. But for as bad as this movie was, I would take it any day over Piper Penguin And His Fantastic Flying Machines.

But that's a stinker of a story for another day.

Popeye

2010-09-03T18:44:00.030-04:00

I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a better movie today.

Paramount/Disney: 1980

Animation and live action are two different methods that when done right (Who Framed Roger Rabbit, even Space Jam) can produce amazing results. However, that's more or less a rarity, as the majority of live action adaptations are absolute junk. Most are a quck buck movie cribbing on a successful franchise of the past, while others try to give more life to an older franchise, and still blow tremendously. Case in point with our first induction of the month, Robert Altman's Popeye.

It's hard to believe that Popeye is almost a century old, first appearing in the Thimble Theatre comic strip in 1919 as a minor character. However, the sailor man would pull a Steve Urkel, and eventually the comic's focus would be on the spinach chompin' son of a gun. Popeye's success would soon go further than the funny pages in 1933, when Fleischer studios would bring him to life, making his debut alongside Fleischer's beloved Betty Boop. After getting his well wishes from miss "Boop Boop Be Doop", Popeye became a massive hit, and throughout the 1930s was the number one animated character, beating out even Mickey Mouse in popularity. There was no disputing the sailor man's popularity.

And almost 50 years later, the character had remained one of the most succesful animated characters of all time.

And like I've said before, if it's successful, chances are there's a movie about it.

And there was. In 1980, Popeye made his first foray into the realm of live action, in the 1980 film "Popeye". It was directed by Robert Altman, best known for M*A*S*H, Gosford Park, among other films. The movie was based directly from many of the classic Thimble Theatre strips, as well as being a musical (Considering that most Popeye shorts has songs in them this makes sense). But the question is, who would portray the beloved sea dog?

Robin Williams.

Friggin' Mork!

To be fair, Williams is a superb impressionist.This was also his first film role, and hey, not every actor started off in a classic.

So, what was wrong with this film? Well, despite mixed reviews, most claim it to be pretty dull, uneventful, and somewhat insufferable. And considering it clocks in at around almost 2 hours, that's not exactly a good thing.

So, with that all said, let's eat some spinach, and set sail. Let's review this thing.

We open our film with a stormy sea as the credits roll. A lone boat is seen rowing towards the town of Sweethaven. The storm soon stops, and it's time for our first song, as the inhabitants of the Town sing about how great a town Sweethaven is, while wacky hijinx ensue, like a man chasing after his hat, and a guy almost falling off a ladder. The man on the boat makes it to shore, and it's our beloved spinach chewin' protagonist.

Jeez, you may want to get those arms checked.

Upon landing in town, he is immediately taxed by some guy on a bike, who then chases after some kids. Popeye grumbles and heads on his way.

I'm gonna say my piece now. I'm not too fond of Robin's Popeye voice. Maybe I just have a flair for the more nostalgic popeye voice, or the fact it really sounds half assed. The inflection is there, but it lacks the energy of the orignal. And having to deal with it for the next hour fitty isn't exactly something I'm looking forward to.

After almost being smashed with a piano, Popeye finds a pipe on the ground and puts it in his mouth. And with that, not even seven minutes in, it's time for yet another song. If you can call it a song, it sounds more like melodic mumbling. He mumbles on as the town runs in fear at the sight of the man with the bad eye and frightening biceps. After 3 minutes of this "song" he eventually heads to the boarding house of the Oyls, and asks to rent a room. Upon entering he meets Olive Oyl (played by Shelley Duvall. And don't take this as an insult, but when I think of lanky, ugly Olive, I kinda think Duvall), who's bitching about ugly hats, and says she doesn't want to marry Captain Bluto, who's running the town for the commodore.

I wish.

Olive shows Popeye to his room, to which she immediately destroys by being a klutz of drastic proportions.

After a 5 minute dinner scene that goes nowhere, Popeye goes to bed talking about how he'll soon reunite with his dad. The next day, it's time for yet another song, "Everything is Food". This song is pretty forgettable save for containing Wimpy's classic line "I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today". And like previous songs, various acts of silly stupidity is seen from the townsfolk. From jumping over each other, to clutching burning pipes. No wonder these people are concerned about Popeye, he might actually have the common decency to report them to a nuthouse.

We gets some more exposition from Popeye about his missing father, until he gets heckled by some local douches. And after about 4 minutes + of mocking, Popeye finally beats the everloving shit out of them. Hey, it's been 27 minutes, and something worthwhile's actually happened.

Later, at the Oyl residence, it's time for Olive's engagement party. Bluto heads to the house, constantly snarling and grumbling. Popeye heads down to join the happy occasion, and the entire town stares at him with hatred. Jeez, if they hate him for just being Popeye, I'd hate to see their reaction if he had HIV. Knowing well enough he's not wanted, he heads off to the docks. Meanwhile, Olive is getting dressed, and talks about how large Bluto is (and somehow I don't think she means height). And by talk, of course I mean sing. And by sing, of course I mean sound like a cat being slaughtered. As she sings, she packs up and leaves the house. And while that happens, Bluto finally makes it to the Oyl house, picking a flower in hopes that she'll actually marry him. I swear that all this guy knows how to do is growl and grumble. Even the cartoon Bluto wasn't this angry a prick.

In her escaping, Olive bumps into Popeye, and after some more klutzy confusion, Olive bitches at him for a while before heading back. Bluto meanwhile, is still growling, and eating glass. Jesus H. Macy, this guy needs some anger management. While Popeye talks about his deadbeat dad, a woman switches Olive's basket. After hearing a rattling sound, Olive freaks out in fear of it being a rattlesnake, however...

You guessed it, a prom night dumpster baby.

While Popeye and Olive deal with the little orphan, Bluto throws a friggin' hissy fit. Which leads to, yep, another song. Bluto sings about how he's mean. you know, with you grumbling like a sociopath, I really couldn't tell. One verse in particular concerns me.

I'm so mean, I had a dream of beatin' myself up.
Broke my nose, I broke my hand, I wrestled myself to the ground, and then
I choked myself to death, then broke the choke, and woke up

Even Freud would throw his hands up and say "lost cause"

And the saddest part is the entire town, in fear of retalliation from the psychopath, sings along as he demolishes the Oyl house. Olive and Popeye finally head back, with the baby. And upon seeing the trio, Bluto gets so pissed that he sees red.

Literally.

Popeye tries to apologize, and gets the spinach lovin' snot beaten out of him. The next day, the Oyl's are taxed out of house and home by an enraged Bluto. However, Olive and Popeye are far more busy tending to the Wee Tot, to which Popeye dubs Swee' Pea, which Olive dislikes. Though at this point, I can't honestly think of a damn thing she does like. Hell, even the cartoon Olive wasn't this big a bitch.

In an act of convenience, there just happens to be a big boxing match coming to Sweethaven, as Oxblood Oxheart is set to challenge anyone to a one round donnybrook. Olive's brother Castor volunteers, but being the pudgy putz he is, is quickly decimated. So Popeye jumps in to face the bald bruiser, while Bluto watches from afar, growling as always. Popeye brawls with Oxblood, and eventually knocks him out with a corkscrew uppecut, winning the Oyls tax exemption for 10 days. Later that night, Popeye and Olive sing Sweet Pea a lullabye. Yep, a song from a mumbling cyclops and a screechy chick. Have fun sleeping kid.

Believing that Swee' Pea has the ability to predict the future, Wimpy asks to take him to the horse races. I guess it's less trouble than a future predicting camera, I guess.

Well, that or spying on Wimpy and Swee' Pea.

And to the shock of nobody, the baby actually pays off. Popeye and the Oyls confront Wimpy, but when he informs the family that Swee' Pea is a regular Lisa the Greek, they decide to join in on the gambling fun, much to the chagrin of Popeye. And with that, it's time for another song, "I Yam What I Yam", as Popeye sings about.... welll, being Popeye. And in comparison to the rest of the songs in this movie, this one's decent. It's a step up from his first song in the movie at least. He takes Swee' Pea, and exits stage left, while Bluto calls Wimpy over for some nice foreshadowing.

Popeye and Swee Pea also decide to leave the Oyl residence as well, still pissed at them using the lad for gambling purposes. Jesus, it's not like they were selling him for drugs or nothing. Upon entering his new home, he gets taxed heavily by the tax man, only to send him flying into the ocean.

My, what a conveniently placed slide.

The town becomes elated at Popeye sending the tax man into the water. And in the celebration, Wimpy kidnaps Swee' Pea and gives him to grunty Gus... I mean Bluto. Later that night, Popeye moans at the loss of the youngin, as Olive sings (Yep, song time again) about Popeye needing her, which follows to yet another song about Popeye missing Swee' Pea.

This sudden influx of songs doin' anything for ya?

Olive gets Wimpy to confess, as Bluto gives Swee' Pea to the commodore. A commodore with massive forearms and a love for spinach. Take a wild guess who it is? If you said it's Popeye's dad, you win the prize.

Here, have a slightly scratched copy of the Boomerang soundtrack.

Yep, indeed the commodore is Poopdeck Pappy, as Olive and Wimpy head to his boat to investigate. Pappy is a grumpy individual, who just so happens to hate pretty much everything. Well, everything except singing about hating everything, I guess. Yep, another song. Bluto takes this time to tie him up, which seems to not bother Pappy much, as he's still friggin' singing. After the song, Olive and Wimpy inform Popeye of his father's situation, as Bluto tries to get Swee' Pea to find the location of Pappy's treasure. Our hero storms into the commodore's boat, and finally reunites with his Pappy (while letting Bluto sneak away).

Pappy continues to deny that Popeye's his son, until he tells him to eat some spinach. Yep, it took an hour and a half, and the spinach is actually coming into play. However, this Popeye hates spinach. So he fake ingests it, as he frees his bickering pop. And in this time, Bluto somehow managed to kidnap Olive, while the whole town watches and does nothing in fear.

1 guy against 40 or so people. Come on..

So, it's time for the final confrontation, as Popeye, the Oyls, and Pappy set sail to catch Bluto, who's headed to Scab Island. And during the trip, Popeye and Pappy continue to bicker at one another. Leading to... kind've a song. Really just complaining with music in the background. They finally confront Bluto's boat, as Pappy gets cannon crazed, and proceeds to fire at it, and rams it, destroying their boat in the process. However, Olive and co. aren't even on the boat. Instead, they're rowing into Pirate's cove. Bluto dives in and grabs the treasure, unaware that the cove's being occupied by a rather pissed off giant rubber octopus.

Popeye and Bluto finally square off, with Bluto yet again beating the bejesus out of him. The two engage in a swordfight, and battle all around the cove, as the octopus gets ever so pissed, and tries to capture Swee' Pea.

If I weren't somewhat classy, I'd make a rather tasteless tentacle rape joke right about now....

But it's Pappy to the rescue, as he gets Swee' Pea to safety. While the swordfight ensues, Pappy opens his treasure chest, which contains spinach, and some of Popeye's baby stuff, proving I guess that the grumpy old douche has a heart after all.

Still too classy to make that joke.

Olive gets captured by the rubber octopus, while Popeye continues to get his ass kicked by Bluto. Pappy throws him some spinach, much to the displeasure of the whining Popeye. Bluto, being a moron, forces it down Popeye's throat.

Which works as well as you'd expect.

The spinach fueled sailor shoryuken's Bluto, and beats the calamari shit out of the rubber octopus. The octo goes flying, and Bluto turns yellow and swims away.

Literally.

And we end our movie with the only song that matters, the Popeye theme song.

And that's Popeye. It's.... meh. It's too long, too boring at times, and the acting is in the middle. When the movie picks up around the end, it does turn decent, but clocking in at almost 2 hours just doesn't help it. The songs are forgettable, which is a cardinal sin for something that's a musical. And while it tries to capture the feel of the shorts and comic strips, it just really fails. There's a reason Popeye cartoons are about 6 or 7 minutes tops. They establish the plot, and keep the humour and excitement around long enough to ensure they don't get boring. When you take that 6 minutes and multiply it by 19, you're gonna have some problems. It's not the worst live action adaptation, but it's still Tooncrap.

Little Princess School

2010-08-23T01:45:00.027-04:00

The Three R's: Rotten, Retched, Ripoff.

Video Brinquedo: 2007

Well, it's been a while since we've talked about our old friends the "Asylum of Animation", VIdeo Brinquedo. For those just coming in, Video Brinquedo is a Brazilian animation company best known for releasing mockbuster versions of hit animated movies, with terrible animation, destestable characters, and a dash of racism to boot. Most of the time they try to be discreet in their plagiarism. But, in this occasion, they're just being cocky little freaks.

Take a good look at the first pic in this induction. Take a good look at the characters, and see which ones look familiar. If you said they look like midget versions of Cinderella, Jasmine, and Snow White, you win the prize.

Here, take this copy of Don't Wake Daddy. The batteries are dead, and the mechanism to make daddy wake up is broken, but hell, it's yours.

Yep, Brinquedo unabashedly ripped off the designs for Disney's Princesses, and used them for their own DVD series "Little Princess School", which I can only assime is pseudo ripping off Winx Club. Yeah, that's a cartoon about a school of fairies, but you know, fairies, princesses, it's all girly crap. God I hate being an equal opportunity crap reviewer.

Little Princess School has actually seen a few episodes released, similar to Brinquedo's other abomination, The Little Cars. Each particular video contains several shorts. Each more nauseating than the last.

So, let's not waste any more time, and get educated on this school of scoundrels. Let's review this thing.

We open to the shot of fair "castle construction paper" as the theme song plays. The title card comes up, which still says "Escola de Princesinhas". This was dubbed in English (With 4Kids VAs as is the norm), but they didn't even have the time to fix their title card. God, what jokes. We then get the names of our princesses.

Cindy. Not even going to try and bullshit this one, are you Brinquedo?

Bianca. AKA White. AKA SNOW White. About as much effort used to cover this up like ol' "Cindy".

Hime. Now, most people seem to believe this is supposed to be Mulan, despite her most likely being Japanese, and not Chinese.

Because we all know how well their track record with the Asians has been so far.

Iria is next, who would later star in "The Frog Prince". Take a wild guess what that ripped off.

Finally there's Zade. Which I will admit, that's a bit more creative than coming up with Jasmy or some crap like that.

Ladies and gentlemen, our protagonists. The god damned Burger King estrogen club.

Our fist episode is called Sleeping Beauties. You know, despite there not being a rip off of Aurora anywhere to be seen in this crap. We kick it off at night time in the castle, as we get some inane chatter from our heroines, In classic Brinquedo fasion. And I swear to god, they're all voiced by the same VA (Lisa Ortiz, AKA Amy Rose). Bianca apparently has a rooster in their room, which crows, and gets the ire of the teachers.

Yep, and one of those teachers is the Wicked friggin' Queen, or Madam Drastic as this shlock refers her as. And believing our heroes are up to no good, checks in on them. But of course, sees nothing out of the ordinary. But as she leaves, the princesses once again chatter to each other about Bianca's rooster.

Well, that didn't come out as planned.

After farm related idocy, we cut to the next day, as out heroines bitch about having to go to class. So, they instead decide to skip class, and head into a magic storeroom instead. They look around at the many stupid items, like a magic apple, and a pumpkin carriage. Get it? Cause Snow White and Cinderella involved that stuff.

These "not so subtle" hints working for you?

After some near vandalism, the princesses find a magic spinning wheel, which Cindy believes is, and god help me I wish I was making this up, an "ergometric bicycle". Yes, an ergometric bicycle with an ominous needle on the front. A needle that the morons touch without any thought. And, as you'd guess, it puts three of the girls to sleep. Cindy becomes concerned that her friends are both asleep and retarded, and tries to find out, and gets help from a magic mirr...

KILL IT WITH FIRE!

The Magic Mirror introduces itself, and Cindy instantly believes it's a HD TV. And at this point I kinda wish Cindy got pricked with the needle and never woke up. The mirror informs her that the only way for our heroines to be awoken is from the kiss of a prince. Since this place is a princess school, they've hit a snag. While she waits for the mirror to load (what?) Lurch, the custodial elf of the school is headed to lock the storeroom, when he's stopped by Hime. And the whole segment is as pointless as you'd expect, telling us what we already knew. Back to Cindy and the mirror, which crashed. Well, that's what you get for using Vista, I guess. Hime comes in, and the two whine about Lurch possibly locking them in. they try to get the girls out of the room before Hime, under really no persuasion whatsoever, pricks her hand on the spinning wheel.

Little Princess School obviously doesn't teach common sense.

Lurch gets chewed out by Madam Drastic for not locking the storeroom door, as Cindy tries to find a way to save her friends. She too runs into Drastic, and bullshits her way out of trouble. Cindy decides to go into their room and grab Bianca's rooster (still not sounding right). And with the help of a little deus ex rooster box, the girls are awakened, and leave the store room without getting in any trouble whatsoever. The end.

And that's Little Princess School. Good God what a piece of... Wait, there's another episode on this video? Dammit to hell. Let's review that too.

Our 2nd tale is "The Enchanted Toad". We begin with our heroines engaging in morning calisthenics, which is stopped by Cindy complaining about breaking a nail. I wish that was a joke. After that, it's more inane chatter, as the airheads forgot to bring something called a mandragorem root to Madam Drastic's class for the next day after the olympics (Special I take it). So, our heroines head to the forest to find one, while Iria runs into a toad.

*hint hint*

The toad tells her that he can find some of that root for her, if he gets a kiss in return. This repulses Iria, and raises the interest of Chris Hansen. She gives in, and kisses our amphibian antagonist.

Which works as well as you'd guess.

In order to aid the now warty moron, they run into a witch who promises to help them if they aid her ugliness problem. With the aid of the toad, they find the root they were looking for, and with the use of a magic book, and some other BS, are able to turn her back to normal. However, now she can jump better because she was a toad, or some stupid crap, which helps her win their olympics. Madam Drastic wants answers, and again, they bullshit their way out of trouble. She finds the toad, and he BSes her to kiss him. Which she does, turning him into a giant toad-man-thing.

And the girls laugh at the thought of her being raped by a giant toad thing. The End.

Sadly, there's one more short left, "Defenseless Princes". We open again with the princesses daily excercise, their coach telling them that, and I quote:

"A princess has to be in great shape if she wants to do high stress shopping."

"How do I hate this company, let me tell the ways"

They chatter inanely for a while, until Bianca starts talking to a squirrel. The others, being the bitches they are, believe she's conspiring against them to pull animal related pranks. But that's not the case as apparently there's a monster or something at a school for princes. So, the next several minutes are filled with inane, sexist chatter, and plans to shirk whatever education they're supposed to get, so they can disobey orders, and then BS Madam Drastic later. Because Madam Drastic's supposed to be the villain apparently. The girls lie to her, and treat education like nothing because they're a bunch of spoiled brats, but she's the villain.

She's the Ed Rooney to their 5 Ferris Buellers.

I'll save you the trouble with this one. Nothing happens. Even less than the last two. They chatter, they act like snarky douches, run into a monster for a couple seconds, head back to the school, and get away with leaving the school grounds. The FRIGGIN' END!

And that's Little Princess School. Unlikable characters, bad animation, inane plots, and a waste of mildly tolerable voice actors. pretty much runs the gamut of our old pals Video Brinquedo But even for Brinquedo characters, these 5 are perhaps the worst yet. No defining characteristics whatsoever. All are airheaded, lying, uneducated, fashon obsessed dolts who are supposed to be our protagonists. What a load of crap. One could argue that yes, this is aimed for very little girls. But this really isn't worth giving to an infant, much less a little girl. This is despicable Tooncrap. But for our old Brazilian buddies, it's pretty much par for the course.

Captain Planet: A Formula For Hate

2010-08-20T02:30:00.028-04:00

The Infamous AIDS episode. Hoo Boy.

Turner: 1992

Let's travel back to the early 90's. Crystal Pepsi, Sega Genesis, and some of the best cartoons ever made.... And some of the more mediocre. A good example of that is Captain Planet. While most cartoons at the time were glorified toy commercials, this one was something much more devious....

A glorified PSA.

Captain Planet and the Planeteers was essentially a 20+ minute statement on the turmoil that the planet was in. Everything from the O-Zone, oil spills, the destruction of rainforests and wetlands, to things that have so much to do with that premise, like gang wars, the conflict between Protestant Irish and Catholic Irish, and in the case of our induction du jour, the HIV virus.

Yep, Captain Planet and the Planeteers had an Aids episode. Wrap that around your head for a while.

Now, before I get into this, just know that I am not mocking anybody with HIV. It is a serious disease, and I feel bad for anybody suffering from it, or who have died from it. What I am intending to do, is focus on what is perhaps the oddest route for any episode of a kids cartoon to go. While the disease was still relatively new to most people in the early 90's, it just seems that a cartoon starring a big blue guy with green hair, wearing a speedo isn't exactly the best way of teaching us about this disease to kids.

So, let's talk about the show itself. The premise is that the planet is in peril due to us mucking it up. Gaia, the spirit of the Earth, can no longer stand the destruction plaguing our planet. Why she had to wait so damn long though is beyond me. She sends 5 magic rings to 5 special young people.

Kwame, representing Africa. The leader of the group, and usually the most SRS of the bunch. He has the power of Earth.

Next up is Wheeler, representing America. He's your essential "Brooklyn goofball" character, and considered the comic relief of our happy go lucky group.

From the Soviet U... I mean Eastern Europe is Linka. The standard "tough chick who likes the goofball douche". She has the power of wind.

Next is Asia's representative, Gi. Nobody gives a shit about Gi. She has the water power.

And finally there's perhaps the most infamous member of the group, South America's Ma-Ti. He has the power of Heart. Not lightning, or ice, or grass, or anything actually cool. He has the power of frigging heart. And what, prey, does heart do? Let's him talk to the animals, and communicate with the other Planeteers.

Weak.

Yep, 5 kids from 5 continents are the only hopes to save the planet. I'd say Australia, Antarctica, and the rest of the continents would feel shunned by not being part of the planeteers, but considering how dumb this toon is, I think they can count their lucky stars for that. When the planeteers combine their magic rings, they summon Captain Planet, Earth's greatest protector....

And it's least fashion conscious. I mean, WTF? The blue skin is fine, but the green hair, the exposed midriff, the speedo? He looks like Superman's fashion blind cousin.

Captain Planet's abilities are never defined. They're simply more of a deus ex machina for whatever the occasion may be. But with every hero there must be an achiles heel. In the case of CP, his weak to dirt and grime. If he gets covered in oil, or smog, he's done like dinner. But once the crap's off him, he's ready to kick pollution's ass.

The show saw over 100+ episodes, and 6 seasons, surpassing most animated shows, even in the 90's. It also got a plethora of major Hollywood names to voice the heroes and villains of the show. Whoopi Goldberg, Michelle Pheiffer, Jeff Goldblum, Tim Curry (But seriously what the hell cartoon wasn't he in during the 90's?), and many more. The show definitely had strong backing for it, despite honestly not being the greatest show ever.

So, let's get into the episode du jour. Like I said, the majority of the plots focused on the environment, and those worked. What didn't work are plots that were outside it's norm, and this episode is definitely no exception to that. It's called "A Formula For Hate", and may contain the stupidest supervillain idea in animated history. But let's not beat around the bush any longer. Let's review this thing.

We open our episode as the Planeteers learn that our villain of the day, Verminous Skumm, has broken into a doctor's office, and takes pictures of some medical files. Our Planeteers waste little time and head to the town of undefined where this took place. Meanwhile, at a local high school, a basketball game is in progress, as a kid named Todd Andrews dominates the game, winning it for his team. Meanwhile in attendance is Skumm and his croney, using the Ninja Turtle disguise method of trenchcoat and fedora. He grabs Todd, which creeps the everloving crap out of the young lad. Later that night, Todd and his friends talk about how he's destined for a top scholarship because he's a god of the basketball court, and how one day he'll turn heel on Cleveland to join Miami.

Todd's mother shows up to remind him of a doctor's appointment later. Cut to the next day, where Todd learns that he's HIV positive. The doctor informs Todd and his mother on the possible ways of contracting HIV, including saying "unprotected sex". I know that's one of the ways, but wow. How many other kids shows have ever gotten away with the words "unprotected sex"? Also, how many kids in the age demo even know what sex is?

Meanwhile, at Skumm's sewer lair, Skumm uses a photocopyer to make dozens of posters of Todd's face, with the word "AIDS!" in bold red letters. Skumm's master plan is to let the cat out of the bag about Todd's ailment, causing the town to go into a state of widespread panic. That's the big plan, to show how ignorant, cruel, and moronic the human race is. No, big world domination plot, just make people treat a kid with HIV like crap.

Skumm's a dumbass.

Meanwhile the Burger King Kid's Club... I mean, the Planeteers, are still tring to find Skumm, while Todd is concerned about his future. But it's inspirational black coach to the rescue, as he tries to cheer the lad up. The Planeteers eventually find Skumm, who leads them into a trap. Skumm leads them into his sewer lair, and uses a gun that shoots restraints on them. He leaves them to drown as he is off to exact his "greatest plan ever". But since Wheeler has his ring hand free, he uses it to blast a hole in the wall, freeing them. As they head off to face Skumm, he's already busy telling the entire school of Todd's ailment.

Because a creepy man in a trenchcoat seems like such a reliable source.

But sadly, it works, as the rest of the kids begin to treat Todd like crap. But hey, their just kids, and kids are stupid. It's not like the adults are gonna... Oh who the hell am I kidding?

The adults are out for blood. Hell, even Todd's little brother gets the bejesus kicked out of him. The Planeteers arrive as the town is destroying everything, and try to put a stop to them. Todd takes this time to run away in a canoe (?), and heads to an abandoned shack. He falls asleep, and has a messed up dream with everyone shunning him some more. He wakes up, and decides that he's going to put a stop to this insanity once and for all. The Planeteers summon Captain Planet, who takes Todd to the basketball game.

And at the game, as expected, the crowd is once again in a lynching mood at the sight of Todd, but it's time for the Captain to set them straight. He and the coach tell the crowd the truth about HIV, and that Todd's the same person he always was. This instantly causes a face turn for the entire town, who decide to let him play. Hold on, they're ready to kill the kid with HIV, but have zero problems with the flying blue guy with the green hair?

This town can eat my ass.

So Todd plays in the game, and Skumm gets arrested. The End.

This episode is just rather dumb. While the subject matter is definitely a serious one, predjudice, it's just so poorly handled. Even for a cartoon, I find it hard to believe an entire town would go insane and bloodthirsty over a kid with HIV, and that the only people with any logic are the doctor, the coach, and todd's family. This episod also suffers from what I like to call "guest starring the main character" syndrome, wheer the episoe focuses more on a non-main or recurring character, and the regulars playing bit parts at best. Finally, how does this help Skumm take over the world? What, does he like get control of the town while they're all lynching a sick kid? I just don't get it. It may be on a serious subject, but it still deserves to be considered Tooncrap.

But it could be worse, I guess. It's not like Captain Planet was taking on the Nazi's or anything...

The Simpsons Pilot: the Original Version

2010-08-11T21:58:00.018-04:00

Ay Caramba!

Fox: 1989

If I really have to talk about the success story that is the Simpsons, it's effect on not just animation, pop culture, and even culture period, then you really need to leave your rock. From day one, it's been my favorite cartoon of all time. I know so much about the series, top to bottom. While the show may not be in what people would consider the golden age, it still has it's great moments, and can still be one of the funniest cartoons out there today. It stands atop the realm of the animated with a staggering 400+ episodes (Rapidly approaching 500), is going on it's 22nd season, and has no signs of stopping any time soon.

And yet, it all could've ended before it even began.

The Simpsons road to the top began in 1987. One of the "gods of television" James L. Brooks, was looking for animators to create short 1 minute skit/bumpers for the sketch comedy series "the Tracy Ullman Show". He would enlist cartoonist Matt Groening, who at the time was starting to earn some notoriety for his "Life in Hell" comic strip. However, in fears of losing the rights to his beloved Ackbar and Jeff, as well as Binky the one eared rabbit, he instead made a quick sketch of crude looking humans, and named them from his own family (With the exception of Bart). And thus, the ultimate animated success story was born.

Despite being crudely animated, the shorts were a big hit. So much so, that Fox was ready to give the Simpsons their own shot at a prime time animated series in 1989, something that hadn't been done since "Wait Till Your Father Gets Home" in the mid 70's. This was a massive gamble, and if it had failed, one would wonder just exactly how the ramifcations would've affected the animation industry. So it had to be absolutely perfect, with less of a focus on cartoony "Hanna Barbera-esque" animation, and set to a more realistic setting.

Well, as realistic as a cartoon about yellow skinned humans with bulgy eyes and massive overbites could be at least.

The show was set to make it's debut in the fall of 1989, with the pilot being "Some Enchanted Evening". They sent the cartoon over to AKOM in Korea to animate it, with high hopes.

And what they got back, to quote mr. Brooks, was "shit".

Off Model, rubbery, facepalming shit.

So, with that said, let's dive into the original version of "Some Enchanted Evening". Let's review this thing.

Since this wasn't telecined, it does come off more faded than normal, but that doesn't save it. And it's not the whole episode either, so that's a plus.

We open our atrocity to a decent shot of the Simpsons house, as we head to the kitchen as Marge is making breakfast, and....

Yikes. We already see Marge quite off Model, but the worst is yet to come. She finishes the breakfast, and talks to Maggie.

Oh Ye Gods! If the earlier pic was bad, this is even worse. Marge looks like she gained a good 50 punds, and is almost frog/Quasimodo-like in appearance, with a very simian looking face. But this is thankfully cut quick as the rest of the family awakes. You can see as Bart opens copboard doors, that they have a more rubbery opening style. Their facial expressions also move in a very rubbery style as well, but that was a problem the first season suffered beyond this as well.

Good god almighty that is the smuggest damn Homer I've ever seen. He's quite off model as well, fatter in the body, and the head especially. He has a bit more of a Fred Flintstone-esque shape to him, and that's NOT a good thing.

The kids and Homer leave the house as Marge gets denied a kiss from Homer.

Jesus

H.

Macy!

Just... Wow. Those three images alone should say volumes. Especially long pucker Marge, and wide load Homer. Hell, I don't even think he was that wide when he was 300 pounds. And the sad thing is, Gabor Csupo, of Klasky-Csupo, the American animation company at the time for the Simpsons, saw no problems with this, blaming the problem more on the writing.

Uh, Gabor. Just wanna say thank you for Rugrats. Thank you for Duckman. Wild Thornberries sucked, but that's not what I'm getting at here. to put it simply....

HOW IN THE NAME OF KWYJIBO IS THIS NOT A PROBLEM???

Characters should not suffer from cases of weight gain and loss in almost every frame. They definitely shouldn't be so drastically off model like this. This is just shameful.

Back to the pilot.

If you've seen the episode, you know what happens next. Feeling dejected by her family, Marge calls Dr. Marvin Monroe's radio show. We cut to the Springfield Nuclear Plant.

Or, in this case, Springfield Nuclear Island.

From here, we get more of just the major and minor errors from the original pilot, and less the actual episode.

Either that phone's too big, or the Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service employs old midgets.

Either Homer's turned on, or suffering searing pain.

And we end the episode with somebody clearly activating "big head mode".

And that's pretty much most of the major errors. Good friggin lord. This is horrendous animation. Just everything about it is far and away from what the Simpsons would become. Now you could say that since this was the first episode that it wouldn't be perfect. But considering what they wanted the show to be, this goes far beyond just "not perfect". In fact, at the initial screening of this, James L. Brooks said, and i quote, "this is shit", which began the belief that if the 2nd episode "Bart the Genius" suffered from similar problems, that there simply would be no show. However, the 2nd episode did come out better, and the show made it's official debut in December with "the Simpsons Christmas Special", followed by the season kicking off in January of 1990. Since then, the show still kicks on, and looks to have no end in sight. But it is crazy just how it could've all come to a screeching halt before it really got off the ground.

Sonic Underground

2010-07-30T01:04:00.018-04:00

A crappy toon. Migrane awaits
Watching this show is a deadly fate.
Give up enjoyment, separate
Bide your time, then release your hate

Sonic Undergrooound
Sonic Undergrooound
You do not know
How much I hate this show!

Dic: 1997

Well boys and girls, it's the 50th Tooncrap induction. Who'da thunkit that this little blog would make it here already? Hell, back when the blog started, I had my doubts that it would make it to 5 inductions let alone 50. And to think of some of the thigs we've already suffered through:

Disney Cheapquels
The musical stylings of Gilbert Gottfried
Naked Captain Lou
Video Brinquedo and their hatred of the Chinese
Spark Plug Entertainment and their hatred of the French
MadBalls: Gross Jokes and their hatred of good humour.
And so many other defining tooncrappy moments.

But none have I had the want to finally rip on more than one cartoon. A toon I despise so much, it was originally planned to be the very first tooncrap induction all the way back in 2007. Our induction du jour is not just a crappy cartoon, but the cartoon that changed essentially how I felt about something I cared about as a kid. That cartoon is none other than Sonic Underground. The ultimate example by Dic that the 3rd time is indeed not the charm. But before we get too far into the hate (and lord knows this is gonna go into petty little rant territory pretty damn quickly), let's take a look at Sonic's history, and how he got to this point.

Sonic made his debut in 1991 on the Sega Genesis, and upon his debut became a smash hit. He was the opposite of Mario. He was fast, had an attitude, and was a furry (You'd thinkt that last one wouldn't matter, but trust me it actually does). The plucky blue hedgehog would see several video games released as the years went by, and each one would be a huge success.

And what have I said about successes? Yep, almost every major success has a tv show of some sort. And Sonic was a lucky duck... Err, hedgehog. In 1993, he had 2.

The first was "The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog". Of all the sonic adaptations, this one is by far the zaniest. The essential plot is the same as the games, with Sonic and Tails facing off with the evil Dr. Robotnik. But this one goes for a more Looney Tunes-esque feel. I wouldn't call the animation, or backgrounds stuff of excellence, but it works. The voice acting is solid. From Jaleel "Steve Urkel" White as Sonic, to the late great Long John Baldry as Dr. Ivo Rrrrrrobotnik. While it's not perfect, it is a great cartoon.

Around 1993 was also when I first became a Sonic Fan. Not from the games, or "adventures", it all started with this...

Yep, it all started with the Sonic The Hedgehog comic books from Archie comics. The mix of humor, and action was enough to hook me into the franchise, as well as make my decision between the Super Nintendo or the Sega Genesis that corresponding Christmas. The comics told of Sonic, as he helped a group of freedom fighters put a stop to Robotnik. It was so good that I had hoped for a cartoon that was based in this Sonic universe. It's funny how things happen, because in the fall of 1993, one of my favorite cartoons, nay, favorite tv shows ever made it's debut on ABC.

Sonic the Hedgehog (Or Sonic SATAM as it's affectionately titled) Is a cartoon that honestly, can do no wrong in my eyes. It perfectly blended action, humour, adventure, and wasn't afraid to be dark. The animation is some of the best that has ever come from a Dic toon. The music is excellent (though you can tell it borrows from several more successful franchises like Back to the Future). And you couldn't ask for a bigger all star cast. Jaleel White once again reprises the role of Sonic, but now you have the likes of Rob Paulsen, Kath Soucie, Christine Cavanaugh, Cree Summer, Charles Adler, and Jim Cummings as perhaps the most badass Robotnik ever.

And of course, one of the most badass theme songs EVER!

With so much good, what could possibly go wrong?

*sigh*

Well, in 1995, after only 2 seasons, the show was cancelled. Some say it had to do with the success of Power Rangers, others believe it had to do with the ABC/Disney merger, and how only a year or so later, Disney's 1 Saturday Morning made it's debut. Nobody knows. But the fact the show got canned wasn't what pissed me off. the fact that the show ended on one hell of a cliffhanger. If that doesn't make you salivate for a 3rd season, nothing could.

So, the lack of my favorite cartoon was a drag, but at least there was still the Sonic comics, which stayed in the SatamVerse, as well as being it's on universe. But the hunger for another Sonic cartoon was always there. And that's where the Induction Du Jour comes in. Back in 1997, I remember seeing pictures and info of a new Sonic cartoon. Based in a somewhat similar universe as Satam. That cartoon was Sonic Underground. And eventually, the show made it's debut on Teletoon. So, I got ready to watch, and was prepared for fun...

And what I got was a letdown beyond letdowns.

Lackluster plot, mediocre voice acting, and the worst offender.... horrid songs. All are what dwelled within. Hell, even worse than the Donkey Kong Country cartoon I inducted last month. This wasn't the Sonic I had hoped for, and now it's time to dissect just why.

So, enough with the history lesson, let's dive into the underground. Let's review this thing.

Before we really get into my hate, let's start with perhaps the only redeeming thing about this show. It's theme song. While not as epic as SATAM, it actually is a really epic theme, mixed with great animation, and enough exposition to the plot for anyone coming into the show for the first time. Bravo to the guys at Dic for another classic song.

Now that that's over with, let's get started. Let's review the three part pilot.

We start our tale in the past, before Mobotropolis became Robotropolis. But that is until Dr. Robotnik showed up, and changed things for his better (With his giant floating Sega 32X that for some reason kills everything under it). Robotropolis is now run by the aristocrats (sadly not the family at the talent agency), as the lower level scum are roboticized.Queen Alina, under the advice of the Oracle of Delphius...

Who looks like a diseased alligator/anteater/thing....

is told to seperate with her three children, under the assurance that they will reunite and become the council of four. So, she gives up her kids. Sonia, the female of the three ends up with a pair of aristocrats. Manik, the green one, ends up stolen by a thief. And sonic ends up with a middle class family. Each learning specific traits. Manik becomes a master thief, Sonia more prim, proper, yet energetic, and Sonic as a speed obsessed retard. However, soon Sonic's family gets captured by Robotnik, causing him to have to find uncle Chuck (AKA the only SATAM centric character in this series). Wh for some reason sounds extremely Southern, and says Sonny after every damn sentence. Cut to a few more years later, as Sonic and Uncle chuck try to take out a forcefield created by Robotnik. However, Sonic's fast enough to get through the forcefield, and easily blows it up. Te experience tires out Sonic, as Uncle Chuck leaves him at home. Only for a blue aura to come in. It's that stupid looking oracle thing. Sonic is unphased at the sight of a glowing anteatigator, and goes back to sleep. But the oracle wakes him up anyway. He makes chili dogs appear and tells Sonic that he's a prince, and has a destiny, yadda yadda.

Robotnik, unhappy at the thought of a blue hedgehog ruining his fun, gets the aid of two bounty hunters named Sleet and Dingo. Essentially your Grounder and Scratch of the series, except a milligram more competent. Sleet is a notorious ass kisser, while Dingo is the more idiotic one, lovesick with Sonia, and later in the series can transform into various objects with the use of a remote. They swear allegience to Robotnik that they'll capture Sonic. Back to Sonic, who now learns he's a sibling. The oracle tells him that he can only find them by singing the song that's in his heart.

ohhhhh god.

This is why I hate this show. The songs are ABYSMAL. The singers are bad. The lyrics are bad, the stock footage and special effects are bad. Everything is so unappealing. I swear it's almost Gilbert Gottfried bad. And the sad thing is, this is the selling point of the show. If I can't enjoy that, then this show hasn't a chance in hell.

So after Sonic's awful song, the medallions on Sonia and Manik's necks react, and it's off to find each other. Meanwhile, back at Robotropolis, Robotnik begins to believe the prophecy is about to go underway, and he shows us a vision of his past, where the oracle warns him of what's going to happen. So, he just blurts out to the main villain that Queen Alina and co. are going to overthrow him? He just pops in while ol' Eggy's sleeping and spills it?

The oracle of Delphius is a douchius.

So, Sonic performs, which catches the attention of Manik and Sonia. Sonia who's with her fiance Bartleby, the "standard Dic vain douche" of the series.

Maybe it's time I got into Sonia's voice. You see, Jaleel White voices all three of the Sonic siblings, which means Sonia being the highest pitch sounds almost exactly like Urkel. Which makes anyone being obsessed with her just seem a bit more funny, and a lot more creepy.

The trio unite, but soon learn from the oracle that their families have been roboticized. And you really couldn't have warned them of this sooner? I know it's a "prophecy", but jeez this guy's a douche.

And to finish up his douchiness, he sends them on a journey to learn about their past, and their powers. The trio of hogs go hand in hand, as they begin their journey. End of part 1.

We start part 2, "Getting to Know You", with Robotnik sending Sleet and Dingo to find our protagonists. Meanwhile our heroes are dealing with Sonia being afraid of mice, and still being a prissy moron. You know, cause she's the female and all. But that's all put to a stop by one of Robotnik's bots, who makes quick work of Sonic and Manik. Sleet sends in Dingo to finish the job, but he ends up getting a tard boner for Sonia, and does nothing. Which leaves time for Sonic and Manik to put a stop to the bot, and the moronic duo. They escape through the sewer, as Sonia continues to complain. However, they forget the map, which conveniently ol' George and Lennie have.

The trio continue trekking through the forest, bickering all the way, as their encountered by a man in a loincloth named furry Triple H... I mean Gondar. He's been sent by the oracle of Douchius to train them. He teaches them how to do moves like a tornado spind and catching rocks. And being the clumsy bunch they are, they fail miserably at it. So, training montage later, it's back to Robotnik, eho uses the map to find our heroes. He once again sends his moronic help to attack. But Gondar counters by using... uh, goo spitting flowers, to take down their ship. He then gives our heroes a teleporting map that sends them to a sky temple.

At the temple, they meet a poor man's Yoda who teaches them about harmony by having them fight a demon dog. They fail tremendously as the monk chews them out. He leaves them, as it's time for, oh god.... Another terrible song. Thankfully, that means the episode is over. Unfortunately this three part pilot is still going on.

Time for our last episode to review, "Harmony or Something".

We open part 3 like we did part 2, with Robotnik chewing out Sleet and Dingo. He decides to give them another chance (considering their success rate so far, I don't see why). Cut to our heroes, who are learning to train in harmony, and using their instrument weapons to defeat a dragon. But they bicker again, causing them to lose their weapons. They head into a castle, and try again. This time they succeed and beat the dragon. The monk then shows them that one of Sonic's resistance friends, Trevor, has been captured by Robotnik. Sonic and crew leave, despite not completing their training. They're teleported into Robotnik's main hideout.

Meanwhile, Sleet and Dingo find the oracle. Our heroes rescue Trevor, then steal one of Robotnik's ships, and head to the oracle's hideout. But ol' cagey Robotnik's one step ahead of them, as he activates the ship's self destruct. But conveniently Manik, being the klepto, stole the master override key, and our heroes escape. They enter a cave, where they see the image of Queen Alina, who reminds them to work together. Which is so much better than "This is where I am, so let's join up and get this prophecy over with, instead of teasing you with this for the next 36 episodes". So, with the oracle in danger, and enemies approaching, it's of course a perfect time for another god damn song. During their maurdering of music, Sleet and Dingo show up, and are quickly defeated. The oracle shows up, and tells them essentially nothing helpful as usual. And the episode ends with Alina and the Oracle talking about the prophecy, and the progress of the trio, instead of, you know, actually getting this war finished before it gets worse. Who cares, it's the end.

A couple other notes before my final thoughts.

They do run into Knuckles, who had never appeared in the other two Dic Sonic toons. Another important thing is that This prophecy never gets fulfilled. Why? Because this show never saw a season 2. I'd feel bad, if I actually gave a damn for this show.

I hate this show. I... I just do. The plot is a lackluster version of SATAM, the characters are far less likable, the voice acting is decent at best (Consideing the whole cast is essentially Jaleel White, Maurice LaMarche, and Gary Chalk), the animation is mediocre at best (though Dic is capable of far worse, and the music, by god the music. How this cartoon got to 40 episodes is beyond me. Maybe I hold SATAM too high on a pedastal, but even without the comparison, the show is just very bad. It's deserving of it's spot as the 50th Tooncrap Induction.

So, with one of the biggest offenders done, now what? What does the future hold for this blog? Well, there's still a plethora of cheapquels to cover, awful shows to review, and horrible cartoon companies to lambast. With that said, as long as there's an animated atrocity out there, this blog will be there to give it the treatment it deserves. This ship has no plans on sinking any time soon.

And speaking of sinking ships....

Madballs: Gross Jokes

2010-07-22T23:53:00.024-04:00

Gross Incompetence

Nelvana: 1987

Have you ever read one of those joke books? You know, the ones with the really lame puns. Puns so bad, they wouldn't even be considered funny enough for the back of a Laffy Taffy wrapper? If you've ever wanted a 22 minute cartoon with nothing but that, along with skits so lame, it makes Turn On seem like Rowan & Martin's Laugh In, this is the cartoon for you. Ladies and germs, it's our induction du jour. Madballs: Gross Jokes.

Let's go back to the 80's, shall we? The age when toys weren't just creative, they kicked ass. case in point with the madballs. A series of rubber balls, each with a grotesque character design. The toys were released around the same time that other gross out products were starting to become a hit with kids. From trading cards, like Wacky Packages, and Garbage Pail Kids, to slimy shit like Gak. The madball toys fit in perfectly in this era, and were a huge success.

And like I've said countless times, anything successful has an animated series about it.

Well, in the case of Madballs, there was never a full TV show. Instead, there were two VHS releases.

The first was "Escape from Orb" which was meant to be an animated pilot to an eventual series. The story tells of the Madballs, escaping their planet, which has been taken over by a tyrannical dictator. They land on earth, and become what almost every cartoon character was in the 80's, rock stars. I wouldn't call it the worst thing ever, and I may induct it in the future, but for what it was, it was pretty basic, and not that offending.

However, I guess the video wasn't entirely successful as a 2nd video would be released from Nelvana. Instead of a basic animated series plot, they went the route of an animated variety show, packed with some of the worst jokes ever. The video was called "Gross Jokes". The only thing gross about it, is the rather rotten animation, that mixes between basic animation, and a style that reminds me both of animated Monty Python skits, and the opening to "You can't do that on Television".

So, check your funny bone at the door, and don't worry about your sides splitting. It's time we get to the punchline, as we review this thing.

We open our show with a disclaimer, warning us that the viewing of this video may cause the likes of rapid heartbeat, swelling of the nose, loss of facial hair, etc. What is this, a cartoon or a sleeping pill? The disclaimer warns that "If you're seriously considering a rewarding, challenging career as a lawn ornament, this is the show for YOU!" (what?)

Grosser than a mouth full of brussels sprouts

More tasteless than a cube of tofu

More revolting than mom's latest caserole...

It's Mad Balls Gross Jokes!

Yep, nothing more gross than vegetable humour. We're a minute in folks, it's all down hill from here.

It's time to mee our merry cast of morons. Screaming Meanie, Freakella, Skullface, Dusty, Oculus Orbus, Horn Head, Arrgh (AKA my reaction to this cartoon), and Slobulous.

As well as the host of the show (I think) B.P Bash Brain. Who sounds like Bobcat Golthwait with a head cold. He says that he's never seen anything so gross in his whole life, except for maybe that time at the hospital. Which is our segue to our first skit, "General Malpractice". Oh goody, a General Hospital parody. Even for the 80's that's as fresh as a week old loaf of bread.

We open our skit with Freakella and Screaming Meanie repulsed at the sight of spaghetti, as Dr. Meanie heads to surgery. What follows is about 2 or so minutes of classic one liners, such as:

___
Freakella: Doctor, the invisible man is waiting for you in the waiting room.
Meanie: That's a good place to wait. Tell him I can't see him now.

Skullface: Doctor, I think the patient's about to croak
Meanie: What, does he have a frog in his throat?

Skullface: Uh, doctor, how long can a madball live without a brain?
Meanie: Well, I don't know Skullface. How old are you?
____

*hears shuffling noises*

Ya hear that? I believe that's the sound of the Marx Brothers rolling in their graves.

Next up is some attempt at class with a poetry corner segment. It's about as painfully unfunny as you'd think. Moving on..

To Slobulous and Aargh's "Madball Revue." and another knee slapper...

____
Aargh: Hey Slobulous Man, like what do you call the green stuff between King Kong's toes?
Slob: What?
Aargh: Slow Madball
____

And then King Kong steps on them.

Dimitri and Sviatoslav they ain't.

Next up is a scene at Chez Hornhead. Are ya in the mood for Restaurant Puns? ARE YA??

______

Slobulous: Do you have pig's knuckles?
Aargh: of course, man.
Slobulous: Well, wear gloves, and no one will notice.

Skullface: Hey Dusty, remember the last thing we had here?
Dusty: Yeah. Stomach cramps.
_______

*hears rustling noises*

Ya hear that? I believe that's the sound of Barth rolling in his grave.

"D'AAAAIIIIII heard that!"

Dammit, this thing's got like another 10 minutes left...

Next up after anotther classic Madballs Revue, is a skit that will no doubt be dated the second the 80's comes to a close. Why it's Lifestyles of the Poor and Retched. We learn of Bashbrain and his many massive failures. And of course the narrator doesn't even try a half assed Robin Leach impersonation. From there it's off to the Cemetary for another laff filled skit. Thankfully this segment is short. Sadly though, this cartoon is still going on.

It's madballs around the world next, and oh goody goody gosh, it's a slideshow accompanied with more jokes. Essentially slides of the Madballs heading to some location, destroying it, and lather, rinse, repeat. And this thing goes on for a good 3 minutes. Thank god this is a video and can fast forward. But hold up, because after that is ANOTHER Madballs revue. Oh boy, what's the joke this time gents?

_____
Aargh: Hey Slobulous, like what did the fly say after he hit the windshield of a car going sixty?
Slob: I don't know, what.
Aargh: I haven't the guts to do that again!
_____

Oh god, I don't think I'm gonna survive this...

And from there we get Hornhead, who's upset that he's had the fewest lines in the show so far. And if nothing happens to change that....

Robby here's gonna get upset.

I... Just.... *sigh*. Let's move on....

So, Hornhead gets his wish, and gets to sing. Lovely, this show's already butchered the fine art of comedy, now music too. That's just great. I mean, at least it ain't. No, Screw that, It's worse than that. It just frigging is. Moving on.

Next is a makeover school commercial, which is what you'd expect. Just regular people photoshopped with slobulous' face. as unfunny as you'd expect. From there it's another skit, this time they're all in school, and now we have school related puns. From there it's a game show, "Name That Smell". The answer, if you give a damn, is Hornhead. Finally, after all that, it's the end of the episode as the Gang are stumped with how to end the show. And, they end up in a garbage truck on the way to the dump. The End.

I just.... What can I say? That was the most excrutiating thing I may have inducted yet. Abysmal animation, unlikable characters, not an entertaining segment in the bunch. And most importantly, the jokes just weren't funny. I know this was intended for kids, but this is shit that kids wouldn't laugh at. It's unfunny, unlikable, and detestable garbage that I'm glad never went further than this. This is the image of tooncrap above, and beyond. Hell, I can't think of anything I'd never want to see again more than....

Okay, you know what? For the last like seven or so inductions, I've been getting the message loud and clear. And with the next induction being Induction #50, I can't think of a cartoon show I hate more that I'd rather induct than this piece of crap. Ladies, gents, lovers, haters, and everybody else. Induction 50 is going to be.....

May god have mercy on my sanity.

The Pagemaster

2010-07-20T01:52:00.026-04:00

Turn the page, wash your hands. Turn the page, wash your hands.

20th Century Fox: 1994

THere's a good chance that if you were asked who Macauly Culkin was, the first thing that would come to mind is Home Alone. Which is a valid statement, as the rest of his childhood career pretty much went to hell after My Girl. From trying to be scary, yet coming off as an obnoxious tot in The Good Son, to becoming the live action version of well known rich douche Richie Rich. And of course there's the Nutcracker, but the less said about that the better. Culkin had seen his visage in the realm of the animated twice. Once in the short lived NBC toon Wish Kid (which is definitely one I'm planning on inducting soon), and our induction du jour, 1994's "The Pagemaster". A half assed attempt by Fox to excite kids into the world or reading and books. However, with a lackluster plot, horrid special effects, mediocre animation, and an unlikable protagonist, we have a poor story that should've stayed on the shelf.

They say you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, so let's judge it by it's poisoned pages. Let's review this thing.

We open our movie with ominous clouds, as they form the likes of pirate ships, castles, and dragons. Totally not foreshadowing of any kind.

These ominous clouds wake up our pussy protagonist Richard (played by Mac Culkin). Well, either the clouds woke him up, or he had a nightmare about being older and starring in some movie called "Party Monster". He takes his flashlight, and looks around for any ominous apparitions that may be in his room. But he soon gets scared shitless by...

A TREE! OHMYGODAAAARGH!!!

Yep, Richard is what you would called a 'fraidy cat of the highest calibur.

He goes to tell his parents, but overhears his father Alan (Ed Begley Jr.) being extremely dissapointed that he's raised a sissy. The next day, Richard's father is busy building him a tree house (a solar powered one no doubt). He asks Richard to come up with a bag of nails, but being the pussy he is, declines in fear of falling off a ladder. Apparently you can learn to fall off a 20 foot ladder. He opts instead to use a bucket pulley, but that leads to ha-ha larity as he accidentally hits his dad with the bucket, sending him falling. His father, surprisingly not pissed at his son almost killing him, tells Richard to go to the hardware store to buy more nails, while telling him to not live his life through statistics (or in other words "man up you little bitch"). So it's off to the store...

Oh, good lord. The kid is literally a walking "punch me" sign.

After being mocked by some kids (and deservedy so), Rich decides to drive under a tunnel, as a dramatically timed storm hits. He crashes his bike close to a local library, and heads inside. Inside, he runs into the librarian (played by Christopher "middle of my career downfall" Lloyd) who is, being Christopher Lloyd, eccentric as all getouts.

Eccentric, and a little too clingy. Yeesh.

Believing that Rich is in desperate need for fantasy, adventure, horror (Chris Hansen, the police, parents that won't steal his money), and other malarkey, he gives him a library card. Richard, being no doubt a little freaked over Christopher's hamming, tries to tell him that he's not looking for any books, and asks for a phone. Christopher gladly gives him a direction that is obviously not a trap. But on his way, Rich slips on some water, knocking him unconscious. He awakens several hours later in a daze. Well, a daze, and the painted ceiling above him melting into a giant early 90's cgi mess.

The paint chases after our scared hero, and eventually catches him, turning him into....

What else? An animated atrocity.

Now ink and paint, Rich runs into the Pagemaster (Christopher Lloyd again). He shows Rich a bunch of awe inspiring stuff, and then screws with Rich by making him face three tests in order to get home.

The pagemaster is a douche.

And what kind of kids movie would this be if there weren't some comic relief to help Rich on his way? Possibly a better movie? Rich first runs into the swashbuckling book Adventure (Voiced by Patrick Stewart), who almost gets Rich attacked by a giant octopus (Worst tentacle rape hentai ever.). After that near death experience, he runs into Fantasy (voiced by Tooncrap veteran Whoopi Goldberg). And if you've ever wished for a "hate each other now, love each other later" angle with Picard and Guinan, you have it here folks. Enjoy! They both bicker over who Rich is going to check out of the library with, they get chased by the Hound of the Baskervilles, and end up in the Horror section of the library, with a conveniently placed haunted castle. On their way, they meet the brain damaged member of the group, Horror (voiced by Frank "god" Welker). Our band of merry morons assembled, our heroes head into the haunted castle.

Inside, they encounter Dr. Jeckyll (voiced by another Star Trek veteran, Leonard Nimoy). Take a wild guess what's going to happen next.

Yep.

After dealing with Mr. Hyde, they continue on in the horror section, being chased by ghost stories and other whatnot, until they finally escape the castle. But, sadly, this movie is far from over. As now they have to deal with the sea. Our heroes hop aboard a tiny boat, as smooth sailing awaits...

At least until Moby Dick shows up to ruin everything.

After surviving the white whale, Rich and Adventure end up stranded. At least until a rowboat rescues them, and takes them to a pirate ship, helmed by none other than legendary pirate, and name of a restaurant Long John Silver (voiced by Jim "demigod" Cummings). Now captured, our heroes are pretty much screwed. Well, until our scurvy antagonists conveniently land on Treasure Island, and they begin a hunt for treasure. One wild goose hunt and mutiny later, it's Horror and Fantasy to the rescue, as they scare away the pirates and rescue Adventure and Rich. Rich begins to whine about not being able to go home, and Adventure storms off pissed, because, well, Adventure's a dick. And in the middle, they lose Horror, who's conveniently captured by the Lilliputians from Gulliver's Travels. After rescuing Horror, it's off to the final world, and the end of this damn film. And since we're in the world of Fantasy, of course we need a song. It's forgettable, so let's just move on.

With the exit in sight, our heroes enter an ominous looking cave.

Except it ain't no cave.

With Rich moments from becoming dragon food, Fantasy summons a magic carpet to save him. But that doesn't stop the dragon from giving chase. Our heroes almost make it to the exit, but the dragon burns up the carpet, sending them crashing far from freedom. As Rich climbs up the tower where the exit is, he runs into a knight's skeleton, and steals his armour and blade. As that's happening, Adventure and Fantasy finally realize that after all the bickering and hate, they actually love one another, as they kiss. Adventure then leaves to distract the dragon, as Rich prepares himself. equipped to fight, Rich is ready to take down the dragon.

Which ends about as well as you'd expect.

But before our hero is digested, he uses a book to create a beanstalk to escape out of the dragon with. He reunites with the books, and the trio ride the beanstalk to the exit. Inside the exit, Rich is once again reuinited with the Douchemaster, and is none too happy about it. Rich lays it into the Pagemaster about having put him through all the crap, and the Pagemaster tells him that this whole thing helped him face his fears. So, he gets away with nearly killing him, but it's okay, since he taught him a valuable lesson. Kinda lopsided moral, but it works. his lesson learned, Rich and the books are transported back into the realm of the live action, where rich is once again greeted by the eccentric perv librarian. Rich checks out the books, and heads home. later that night, he sleeps in his treehouse, no longer a 'fraidy cat of the highest calibur.

And the librarian is murdered by the Libyans. The End.

And that's the Pagemaster. While far from the worst movie ever, it does suffer from lackluster special effects, and pretty generic animation. Add in a rather shoddy, rushed plot, as well as some hammy acting from the likes of Christopher Lloyd, and you have a movie that does suffer. Still, it could've been far worse than it really was I guess. It's tooncrap, but definitely not among the elite.

Pro Stars

2010-07-17T02:51:00.018-04:00

A poor sport

Dic: 1991

Let us travel back in time to that magical year of 1991. Beauty and the Beast broke barriers by being the first animated movie to soon be nominated for best picture at the Oscars. The Super Nintendo rocked the world of kids every where, and the world welcome Sonic The Hedgehog.

If you were to think of three of the biggest names in the field of baseball, basketball, hockey, and football, you'd easily think of Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, and Mr. 'Bo Knows' himself, Bo Jackson. The three were the top of their professions, and in turn became extremely popular.

And as it's been pointed out many a time on this lil' ol' blog, anything famous in the 80's or 90's has a tv show about it. And 95.5% of the time, it's made from everyone's favorite DICheads. And, if you've read the New Kids induction, you'd also know that cartoons based on celebritys are usually massive ego trips. And while I will say Pro Stars is definitely not as bad as New Kids, it's still pretty ridiculous. Essentially, it's our three sporting maestros as heroes, fighting crime, and assorted no goodnickery. Essentially it's The Super Globetrotters, only Bo Jackson can't turn into a giant football, and the main villains don't challenge them to a sport our protagonists are actually good at..

So, let's get in the game, and review Pro Stars. Let's review this thing.

Gotta love the first shot of the opening with catchphrases that haven't been cool since... well, 1991, like "Jammin'", and "Slammin'". Down my throat it's forced hipness be "Rammin!"

The interesting thing about this show is that despite one season and 13 episodes, it has two different theme songs. The first being a knockoff of Queen's "We Will Rock You". The second being a more original version, with such classic lines as "Jordan Jams in your face. Gonna put them in their place!" and "Big swing, Bo's the man. Gonna hit a grand slam". And at the end we see our heroes unite, as Michael says that "it's all about helping kids."

Yep, it's that kind of cartoon. Where our Pro Stars help out kids in peril, while getting in exciting and retarded situations.

We open every episode, with footage, and photos of our Pro Stars, as we get a live action intro with the real deals (who sound about as excited as you'd imagine). Yep, just like New Kids on the Block, and almost oozing in charisma in the live action spots like the New Kids cartoon.

Jordan Knight: Seeing me.. in a cartoon show... is kinda putting me in a fantasy land.

Mr. Knight, you truly are a charismatic enigma.

And so too our are Pro Stars, who are here to tell us what today's episode is about, with title cards that scream "nineteen ninety god damn one".

Did "And The" really need it's own damn title card?

So let's review an episode, or as Gretzky would gladly phone in...

We have to put the bite on Gargantus!

Do we? I guess we do. Let's watch "Gargantus and the Highway of Doom"

We open out episode at Mom's Gym, the home base of our pro starring pro stars, as our heroes watch a video from a young Australian girl. She informs them that her home has been invaded by a group of punks driving around in what could easily be considered reject swamp thing toy vehicles. Their leader is lord Humong... I mean, Gargantus, and he spends the majority of his days terrorizing the town. While the rest of the town is quite unhappy with Gargantus and the gang, the young girl's older brother Keith thinks that being in the gang would be cool.

Oh lord, look at that face. I can't tell if he's either awestruck, or brain damaged.

Our PROtagonists are angered at the thought of Gargantus and his cronies. And here's where we see the character traits for each character. Jordan's the leader, and essential genius of the group, Wayne's the more laid back, and always hungry one, and Bo knows. Oh, that's pretty much all I have to say. Bo just really knows a lot of things. We also meet Mom, the gadget maker for our heroes...

Who i swear out Jew stereotypes Mort Goldman, both in look and in accent.

And of course, since they're heading to Australia, they need special gadgets like boomerang cameras, and a remote control jet, which they crash into Mom's gym with. Our heroes make haste to the outback, and immediately crash the jet after almost hitting a kangaroo. They learn that the Kangaroo is the pet of Sheila, the girl who sent them the video.

So let's see, Wallaby Australia, pet kangaroos, Sheila, boomerangs, Mad Max knockoffs..

All we're missing is the stable of Outback Jack, Yahoo Serious, and Jacko, and we got ourselves a hoe down.

Bo uses the boomerang to find out where Gargantus and his gang are, and learn that he's making everyone make him a castle. But their "Name of an Eddie Murphy movie" eye in the sky is quickly vanquished by a rock thrown by Gargantus. Our heroes charge to the castle, until Michael Jordan, super genius, warns them of laser traps that Gargantus planted. As they deal with that, Keith notices them, and tells Gargantus. Who rewards the lad by making him kocks a boulder off the cliff, headed directly at the Pro Stars. Oh noes, will our heroes survive the revolting rolling rock? Will Keith join Gargantus' gang? Will I ever get the image of naked Captain Lou out of my head? Well, we can at least answer the former 2 as we head to the 2nd act of our harrowing tale.

Jordan, being the mental master of the trio, makes a giant basketball to counter the rolling rock. But apparently basketballs do hold grudges, as it comes headed back to our heroes. But our heroes, stop it in time, and the impact with the big bouncy gay ball (I swear to you that's what Bo Jackson says) sends the bounler flying, and eventually crashing onto one of Gargantus' cronies. Gargantus is none too pleased of our heroes survial, and sends his gang to attack. Gretzky takes out some with his egg pucks (because he's food obsessed, get it?), but no amount of eggs and tomfoolery can stop Gargantus from eventually capturing our three heroes. Keith finally realizes that Gargantus is a douche, but is unable to do anything about it, because he's a moron. Our heroes manage to get the remote to the jet, and crash it into the prison cell they're trapped in, and escape. All while being chased down the hill by Gargantus' gang. But they manage to escape when Jordan uses a giant basketball/model of saturn.

With all of his basketball related crap, he'd be a shoe in for the Super Globetrotters.

And if you guessed that the grand finale to this episode was them being chased in a truck, you win the prize.

Here, have a copy of Qix for the Game Boy.

Our heroes are quicky followed by Gargantus' gang, and it looks like they're up shit creek without a giant basketball. But Keith comes to the rescue, and the group manage to finally defeat Gargantus. The episode ends with Keith learning the moral of the episode, and Mom showing up pissed that the Pro Stars have crashed the jet. After that it's back to live action as we get a question from some kid about how our Pro Stars broke into the business, and our heroes respond by essentially mumbling without much energy put in. The End.

And that's Pro Stars. It runs the gamut of classic Dic cartoon syndrome. Bad animation, terrible storytelling, stereotypes out the rectum, and live action segments from celebrities who just don't give a god damn. Save for decent voice acting, it feels like just another utterly forgettable 90's toon. Bo knows cartoons, but not exactly how to be in a good one.

Spider's Web: a Pig's Tale

2010-07-11T14:56:00.014-04:00

The morality tale from hell

Spark Plug Entertainment: 2006

We've talked about many a crappy animation company. From Dingo Pictures and their Disney ripping inanity, to "The Asylum of animated movies" Video Brinquedo, and their lack of originality, and their inate hatred of the Chinese. But for as bad as both those companies are, neither come close to the company that's given perhaps some of the most insipid, uninspired, and utterly retarded animated movies. That company is Spark Plug Entertainment.

Unlike Brinquedo and Dingo, this company is actually based out of New York, and was founded by a man by the name of Michael Shelp. A man who's perhaps best known as the executive producer to only the most intelligent, witty, and sopisticated show on television.... MANSwers.

*groans*

However, like Brinquedo and Dingo, this company likes to ride on the coat tails of more successful animated movies, and releases among the worst cartoons ever. These toons run the gamut of horrible. From bad animation, stereotypes aplenty, terrible voice acting, and even some of the worst political satire ever. And in the case of the induction du jour, perhaps one of the most nonsensical, crazy, and all around terrible toons ever assembled. As you would guess from the title, this is "Inspired" by the live action Charlotte's Web movie that was released around the same time. However, farm setting, arachnids, and retarded pig aside, there's not much else that resembles the EB White classic novel, or the movie they're ripping off. Instead we get a morality tale so horrid, you'd think the wheel of morality exploded before it could tell us that "early to rise and early to bed, makes a man healthy, but socially dead."

So, let's dive into this pig sty of a mess as we review this thing.

We start our idiotic opus on a farm as we meet our pork protagonist Walter (cause lord knows that sounds nothing like Wilbur) and the rest of the not-funny farm, which seems to consist of 2 pigs, 2 horses, 2 spiders, and 2 duck/chicken/things. The purple ducken asks for the animals to tell him what they're thankful. Walter, being the youthful douce is thankful for everything, but the one of the horses (affectionately called Mr. Wigglesworth) decides to show his douchiness by picking a fight with the spiders. The main spider tiffany fights back, as her ebonics spouting pal Cristal adds nothing but loving stereotypes.

From there we also get a wasp who speaks in what I can assume is Dexterese. After the thankful sermon, the wasp talks to Walter about not being able to pollinate. Walter tells the deluded insect to just fake it. Another wasp shows up (Who I swear sounds like the Teeny Little Super Guy with a lower pitch) and tries to put some sense into the wasp who thinks he's a bee. This lead's the horse to continue his hate speech towards bugs, and we get more arguing and pointless time wasting.

After that stupidity, Walter's mother asks him where her cherry pie is. Walter, being a terrible liar, feeds her some BS that aliens showed up, mistook the pie for a spaceship, and attacked it. But Tiffany the spider rats him out. And of course, being a spider, the horses don't believe her.

After more inane chatter, and racist horsery, Walter's mother am dissapoint over Walt's constant constant lying. Walt gets pissed at Tiffany for ratting him out, and she reminds him that she's been somewhat his guardian angel. She tells him that she'll tell him why it's wrong to lie, but only after he stops.

But as the pork and arachnids argue, a snake with a cell phone shows up. A cell phone he can use, you know, despite having hands. His name is Gerard, and he's impressed with Walter's bullshittery. Walt breaks his mother's favorite pot, and continues his UFO BS to his mother. From here, we get the exact same scene again with the spiders telling the truth, as the horses don't believe them. After that bit, we see as Walter lies about his homework eating a dog, which I will admit, is an interesting twist on things. And again Walter's mother is dissapointed.

Gerard tells our lying sack of bacon that his skills in the art of fibbery would be much more useful in Viperwood. So, Walter tells his mother he's going to Viperwood, and she sees absolutely no problem with this as long as Tiffany comes with him to chaperone. So, it's off to Viperwood as Gerard, through some unexplained reason, drives a car. But before they make it to the big city, they stop off at the fabulous two star hotel.

Wow, a whole two stars!

At the hotel, they run into...

Whatever the hell that is, as her grandaughter is stuck on a roof. Gerard tells Walter not to help, but Walter, finally showing some good in him after almost 20 minutes of this drek, offers to get her off the roof. They soon learn however, that Gerard has no money, so they can't stay at the fabulous two star hotel.

However, they do lodge at the home of the big green slug/alien/thing they helped earlier. While there, they watch a game show involving a snake being paddled by a flying tennis racket for not knowing where the metric system was invented(I wish I could make that up). And we get a classic line like this.

Game show host: The metric system was invented in France. Blame the French.

So, the French are Spark Plug's equivalent to Brinquedo's Chinese I take it?

But for some reason, the TV comes to life and jumps around angrily. Our merry crew decide to leave the generous slug thing to deal with it herself, as they get the hell out of dodge. As they head to Viperwood, they steal gas, and pick up one of Gerard's snake friends, Venom. And of course, being a field of stereotypes, she's the valley girl of the group.

She informs the group that Walter has a spot in a big Broadway play. However, after spewing BS about being able to breathe underwater, he doesn't get the part. Walter, distraught over being a failure, wants to go home, but Gerard has other plans for his pork protege. He takes him to a tv studio, where Walter is set to compete on Paddle Whackier. The show earlier, with the flying tennis racket, and hatred of the French.

Walter gets the topic of colors, but being color blind, is screwed. Tiffany tries to get him to tell the truth, Gerard wants him to make something up, and the wasp, being French, tells him to run away.

"This overt racism doing anything for ya?"

Walter loses, and gets spanked by the flying tennis racket. Gerard decides that it's time for Walter to show his talent in the movie industry. They BS their way into a Karate film, by saying that Walter knows how to speak Japanese. And like his last two attempts, this leads to instant failure, as the director literally blows up Walter. But sadly, he survives, and this movie has another 10 or so minutes left... Oy.

So, with movies, tv, and Broadway all bust, Gerard decides that Walter's future is in, of course, the rap industry, as he throws shades on Walter, blinding him. However, this is an obvious trap, as he brings Walter to a snake chef, so he can be grinded into pig guts. And of course, Walter, being oblivious to this, just raps while he's unaware of his impending demise. But before the world is rid one retarded pig, Tiffany finally comes to his aid, as the group escape.

Walter says goodbye to Tiffany, who decides to leave him, while giving him the same "tell the truth" speech we've heard a dozen times in this inanity. Back to the Barnyard, with the racist horses, and wasps, and chicken/duck/things, they all decide to watch TV as Tiffany the spider is now the host of Paddle Whackier. The end.

And that's A Spider's Web: a Pig's Tale. What a piece of pip plop. Awful CGI, horrid voice acting, stereotypes aplenty, and a plot that's so random and foolish, that you kinda wish they just stuck with completely ripping off Charlotte's web. Spark Plug Entertainment and Video Brinquedo have so far provided among the worst direct to video shlock that one can imagine, and I got a bad feeling I'm gonna have to deal with them plenty more times in the future.
*Shudders*

Doozy Bots

2010-07-06T00:23:00.012-04:00

Oh, it's a doozy alright...

Sunrise: 1991

It's often said that one should be thankful for what they have, but in dealing with the induction du jour, sometimes it's better to be thankful that for what we didn't get. Case in point with Doozybots, America's answer to Gundam.

In case you've been living under a rock, or just not an anime fan, you're probably well aware with Mobile Suit Gundam, an anime series by Sunrise that made it's debut as far back as 1979, and is still around to this day in one form or another. It was, and still is massively popular in Japan, and many parts of the world. And with that success, Sunrise decided it was time to try to take on the most dangerous market of them all.

The American market.

But surely the kids in America (Whoa-oh!) were far too stupid to enjoy an anime with drama, action, and giant robots. Especially in an age where the Ninja Turtles were still the most dominant force both in animation, and paraphernalia. So if any show was going to have a chance at success, it would need to go with the flow, and Gundam as it was just wasn't going to cut the mustard. So, Sunrise sold their souls to the devils of conformity, and what we almost got was definitely a facepalm worthy experience. To this date, only a trailer for the show exists, as it never saw the light of the small screen.

So, let's take a look at this failure of a trailer, as we review this thing.

We open with an announcer telling us of a new exciting action comedy series coming in 1991. HEY KIDS, GET READY FOR DOOZY BOTS!

Doozy Bots, seriously? Likely that was just a placeholder title, but it's definitely not selling me on this exciting new series.

Through the magic of perhaps the most unenthusiastic singers ever, we meet Professor Doozy, who's "a wacky one." And if this trailer is any indication, not paying attention as a monkey steals his sandwich, and staring into a beaker as if he's seeing ST. Elsewhere inside is certainly pretty damn wacky. He's also the head of a teen science club. And here they come.

Hey Kids, count the cliche characters.

Standard Jock leader extrordinaire? Check.

Cheerleader/Only female in the group? Check.

The fat guy? Check.

Early 90's skater dude, and cripple pulling double duty by also being the token black guy? Check and mate.

Ladie's and gentlemen, our protagonists, the god damned Burger King Kids Club!

Oh, and two kids who add nothing to the show? Check that as well.

So, according to the plot of this inanity, the teen science club have been assembled by Professor Doozy and his daughter to merge their bodys with robots in order to take on Doozy's other robots who have gone rogue, and are now planning to build an army, and rob the world of FUN!!

Yep, not global conquest, the destruction of the planet, or anything logical. They wanna rob the world of FUN!

So this is where the Gundam aspect comes in. The kids merge with the Doozy Bots, which are desinged similar to Gundams from the anime/manga. So, that's kinda cool, giant robot battles, and every...

Wow. Just wow. The premise of this show is essentially midget robot fights. And yet somehow this never got greenlighted.

So, after all that exposition AKA midget robots, we finally get to the action of the show, as the prof's rogue bots attack a power plant, so they can, and I wish this was something I could make up, power their robot turkey, which lays eggs that hatch into more members of the evil army. The Doozybots show up, and use their super powerful weapons, like... Bubblegum blasters, footballs, lassos, and skateboards that turn into parasails for some odd reason. The Doozybots make jobbers of these robots, and the trailers ends with the annoying narrator telling us that with Doozy Bots you'll get Bots of Action, Bots of fun, and Bots of Kids (the hell does that mean).

And that's the Doozy Bots trailer. The plot is beyond dumb, the characters are beyond cliche and stereotypical. The trailer really does nothing to sell me on how this show could possibly be a hit. I mean, I know this was the early 90's, but even I think kids wouldn't be that dumb to watch this crap. This is definitely the 2nd worst possible use of an anime license ever.

Yep, I said 2nd.

Donkey Kong Country

2010-06-29T21:49:00.015-04:00

Banana Shamma!

Nelvana/France 2: 1996

What an interesting month of video game themed cartoons it's been. We've looked at the likes of Zelda, Double Dragon, Darkstalkers, and now we finish off the mad monkey trilogy of Donkey Kong cartoons.

Despite the successes of Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr, after the video game crash of 84, it seemed like DK got lost in the shuffle, and wouldn't appear in another major game after Donkey Kong 3 in 1984. That is, until 1993 saw a major resurgence in both DK and Junior. Junior would appear as a playable racer in Super Mario Kart, and Donkey Kong would make his big return on the Game Boy. But that wasn't what really brought the big ape back to the big stage. in 1994, Rare, a video game company responsible for the critically successful Battletoads, offered to take the main monkey of gaming to the next level. And what we got was easily one of the most important video games of the 90's, Donkey Kong Country.

A side scroller with pre-rendered 3D graphics, it was unlike anything anyone had ever seen at the time. But besides it's technical beauty, it had a great soundtrack, and was most importantly, fun as hell to play. It would spawn 2 sequels, one that perhaps far surpasses the original, and the other..... Eh, it's okay. Needless to say, Donkey Kong was a success again.

And like I've said countless times before, almost anything successful in the 80's or 90's had an animated series.

Unlike the previous 90's video game toons I've inducted this month, this video game toon was created by major Canadian animation company Nelvana, as well as a French channel known as France 2. Obviously since the games were known for their graphics, this toon had to be CGI, which at the time was starting it's boom with the likes of Reboot and Toy Story.

I first heard of this cartoon interestingly enough when a new television channel was set to make it's debut. That channel was Teletoon.

Teletoon is Canada's equivalent of Cartoon Network. And as a kid of 12 at the time, I was still very much in love with the idea of a 24 hour cartoon channel. And when ads started popping up on channels showing the many shows coming when it debuted, the one that stood out for me was Donkey Kong Country. I couldn't wait. While I was a Genesis owner, I had played DKC and was a massive fan. So a cartoon that would represent the action, and fun of the games was something I was definitely down for. Finally the big day arrived. Teletoon hit the airwaves on October of 1997, I was pumped. I watched every show from beginning of the day on till end. Hell, I even watched Charlie Brown's retarded brother Caillou (Which was the very first cartoon to air on the channel BTW), and I knew that the show I was waiting for was slowly approaching. Finally, Donkey Kong Country aired, and.......

unimpressed would be the nicest term.

Simply put, Imagine Donkey Kong with less of the action, half decent voice acting, and the biggest offender, and what killed it for me... crappy songs. And I mean Beyond Crappy. Hell they almost make Sonic Under....

Uh, let's just get to the review. Let us not talk about that.

Let's review this thing.

We'll be looking at the show's essential major episode arc, "The Legend of the Crystal Coconut". A four episode compilation that was later released on video as a "Movie". You know, one of those BS movies that are really just episodes from the show.

Like this for example.

We start our "Movie" with DK's sidekick Diddy making an ass of himself as he plays with his reflection in the crystal coconut. Until Cranky Kong, the angry old geezer of the show, closes the coconut, causing Diddy to pinch his finger. He opens up the coconut again, and Diddy is relieved that his pain is gone.

Dude, you got pinched in the finger. It's not like you have lupus.

Since Diddy and Donkey Kong can't sleep, they want to hear the story of the Crystal Coconut. Cranky agrees, provided they leave him the hell alone afterward. And being the douche he is, rushes through the story to get the two morons out of his home. He mentions that the great Inca Dinca Doo (Really?) chose DK to be the future ruler for reasons nobody knows (Uh, because it's his country?)

DK, impatient that he knows jack about his vague destiny (Great, so he's Timmy Brisby all of a sudden), goes to see Inca Dinca Doo seeking information. And how does he ask for it? Through Song of course. While he;s singing, the Inca tells him that "to learn everything, he must give up everything". DK still has no clue what the talking rock means by this, so DK decides that he should give away the Crystal Coconut.

Meanwhile, we meet our main baddies, the kremlings (or more importantly his two moronic henchmen Klump and Krusha), run by King K Rool. The only Way i can compare K. Rool is.. well, he reminds me of Mr. Belvedere as Bowser in that infamous Mario on Ice clip.

No, I'm not making that last statement up.

Klump, the military croc of the group tells K Rool that DK has given them the crystal coconut. Why, I haven't the foggiest since this is his main god damned enemy. But that would make this 80+ minute "Movie" about 75 or so minutes shorter, now wouldn't it? He's ecstatic that he finally has the one thing he's wanted since this show began, and vows that no one will ever take it from him.

cut to the 2nd villain for this "movie", Captain Scurvy, who's come to claim the coconut, and deal with his toothache. Cut to... Well, a rather good pirate shanty. While I rag on the quality of most of the songs, the pirate tunes, I will admit, are pretty entertaining.

DK goes back to the inca proud of his accomplishments, but still gets the same message as before. DK tells Cranky, who is quite pissed (but then again Cranky is his name), as the pirates show up to claim the coconut. Cut back to K Rool who is still gloating over owning the coconut, until he learns that DK just gave it to them. And being the paranoid lizard he is, believes it's a trick. He tells Klump to give the coconut back to DK. And hey, since it hasn't been at least 3 minutes since the last song, it's time for yet another damn song. 3 songs, and roughly only 10 minutes in. Oh, this is gonna hurt.

While K Rool's henchmen try to find DK, he shows up at K Rool's hideout asking for the coconut back. Which causes K Rool to whine because he realizes he's a damn moron who gave away the one thing he's been after. While that's happening, Krusha and Klump show up at Cranky's to give the coconut back. But since Cranky's as paranoid as K Rool, he lures them into countless traps, until they eventually give him the coconut. But realizing the pirates are after the it, he gives the coconut to Diddy as he teleports (yes, Cranky can do that when the coconut's around apparently) to DK. Diddy, realizing he's screwed if he tries to defend the coconut on his own, takes it to Inca Dinca Doo. But hey, the pirates just happened to know that's where he was going. But it's DK to the rescue... until the pirates have him, Diddy, and Cranky surrounded. DK throws the coconut at Captain Scurvy, knocking his bad tooth out. And since it's pirate oath, he lets DK have the coconut back. DK still moans about not knowing his destiny, and this whole "wild goose chase" plot finally comes to an end.

Now it's time for the 2nd episode.. I mean part of our "movie".

We kick it off with DK and Diddy playing secret agents with their walkie talkie bananas, as Klump and Krusha spy on them and try to steal their walkie talkies, who Klump believes is a special secret agent weapon.

Boy, villains sure know how to pick henchmen don't they?

DK and Diddy find what looks to be a batarang on a rock. While that happens, our moronic henchmen steal one of the walkie talkies, and give it to K Rool. Knowing this, DK and Diddy mess with them by pretending the batarang thing is a special amulet that is better than the crystal coconut. They send the lizards to the aptly named "forbidden forest". Cranky, who scolds them on practical joking, proves himself a hypocrite by telling them the amulet is cursed, and sends them into the forest as well. Funky Kong (who's as over the top Jamaican as can be) warns him that he'll get his in the end. And since we need to shoehorn them into this plot too, the pirates are back. Hey, at least we get another decent shanty.

Klump and Krusha, proving how useful they've been so far, get stuck in quicksand, forcing K Rool to go into the forest himself. Cranky discovers the pirates are around, and goes to warn DK. While leaving the coconut in the hands of funky, who proves to be almost as useless as funky, as he's easily stopped by the pirates. While that's going on, DK and Diddy are wandering the forest. DK's worried about possibilities of an evil bog monster, as Diddy gives him crap for being a pussy. That is until Cranky shows up to warn them of the pirates. So our two stop dealing with the amulet that had nothing to do with the plot so far, and head off to get the coconut and Cranky. Meanwhile, Scurvy overhears K Rool over the walkie talkie talk about the amulet, and sets off the get it.

These wild goose chases getting tired yet?

K Rool gets the coconut, as DK confronts him. K Rool gloats about his victory, only to get stuck in the quicksand. The day is saved, and the amulet was just Funky's boomerang. The end of episode.. I mean part 2.

We kick off our 3rd part as DK is in his home throwing banana peels on the floor, causing Diddy to act like an ass like always, and pretend to die. But DK's sloth causes himself to slip, and have a nasty fall, resulting in the deadest of beaten dead horse storylines, amnesia. Diddy leaves the empty memory monkey on his own as he looks for Cranky, and DK, of course wanders off. And hey, the pirates are back. This time around, they convince our amnesia riddled simian that he's a pirate, and has to get the crystal coconut for them. And sadly, no sea shanty this time around, instead another rather generic song. Eh, they ran their course with the 2nd anyhoo. The pirates raid everybody in Kongo Bongo, including King K'Belvedere.

It doesn't take long for K'Rool to realize his nemesis is now an amnesiac, and tries to convince him to join up with him and steal the crystal coconut for him. But DK's planned thievery is put to a stop by an animated intervention from all the Kongs, who try to jog his memory, clip show style. But it fails to work, at least until he slips and hits a tree, causing coconuts to crack his cranium. With his memories back, DK gets the coconut, and the bad guys are quickly vanquished. End of part 3.

We finish this damn movie, with, once again, the pirates back to capture the coconut. DK fends them off. But K'Rool actually succeeds in getting the coconut. Oh goody, more chasing after that retarded bauble. That plot didn't get tired immediately.

After that encounter, we head to the barrel factory where we meet Candy Kong, DK's love interest, and Bluster, this show's Antoine, only more ofa a douchepuss. Bluster's attempts to hit on Candy are cut short, as K'Rool shows up and tries to take the factory. Bluster, being both the owner, and a bitch, immediately gives it to him. Our fat crocadoofus uses the factory to make exploding barrels so he can finally put a stop to the Kongs once and for all. But once again, it's DK and Diddy to the rescue, as they chase the reptilian villains into a mine cart chase. I'd mark out for that, but I'm so sick of this cartoon by now. That, and I hated those damn stages.

Surprisingly, for being the bitch of the show, it's Bluster who saves the coconut. DK and Diddy return it to Cranky, only for the Pirates to recapture it. So yeah, more chasing, as the Kongs end up on the pirate ship and captured in barrels. It seems like all is lost, until one of those Klap Trap enemies from the game shows up. He makes a deal with them (Through song of god damn course) to get his teeth back. So, it's more fighting, and chasing, and monotony, until Klap Trap gets his teeth back, and destroys the pirate ship. The end.

And that's Donkey Kong Country in a nutshell... err, banana skin. While the CGI is decent for it's time, the plot devices are paper thin, the songs aren't catchy save for the pirate shantys, and overall it's just a very forgettable experience, just like the other Donkey Kong cartoons. And with that, we finally say goodbye to Game Over month, and I know that it's gonna be a long time until I look at another video game cartoon agai..

...You probably should ignore that.... 0_0

Donkey Kong Junior

2010-06-25T14:57:00.028-04:00

The son also flaws

Ruby Spears: 1983

HEY KIDS! Do you love video games?

YEAH!

Do you love cartoons?

YEAH!

Do you love Scrappy Doo?

HELL NO!

Well suck it up, because we have to deal with Donkey Kong Junior.

On our last induction, we talked about the Saturday Supercade. A cartoon block that aired on CBS from 83-85. It featured cartoons from many of the big video game characters of the time, including Donkey Kong. But DK wasn't the only ape in the block, his son would also have an animated short, and if you can believe it, it's just as crappy. Take the already tired "teen mystery/animal mascot" plot, and make it less interesting, and bingo, we have our Donkey Kong junior.

So, let's not monkey around much more, let's review this thing.

Let's start off by talking about our two main characters for this series.

First off is Donkey Kong Junior (Voiced by Frank Welker), Like I've said, he's kinda like Scrappy Doo, only less annoying, but still overambitious, and a little headstrong. And like Scrappy, he too has an annoying catchphrase. Puppy Power? Try Monkey Muscle instead. The story goes that Junior came all the way from the jungle to finally see his father, Donkey Kong. However, because DK is too busy being chased by Mario, and easily manipulated by crooks (And Pauline adds nothing to the table). Junior becomes depressed until he runs into a biker kid named Bones.

Bones is essentially the Shaggy to Junior's Scooby, only much less of a pussy. But unlike Shaggy, Bones has far less personality. His job is to give Junior some hope that they'll find his moron of a father, You know, while they get themselves in some wacky misadventures along the way.

So, we've looked at the characters, not let's look at some episodes. And since it's summer right now, we'll start off appropriately with "A Christmas Story".

Sadly, Ralphie is nowhere to be seen.

We open our episode with Junior lamenting about another Christmas without his father, as he and Bones have to deal with their motorcycle being frozen. While looking around town for help, they run into a rather chatty kid, who tells them that they can get help from Santa's Helper, a toymaker named Mr. Anderson.

ANDERSON!!!!

The chatty child also mentions Anderson's machine that can make any toy. This attracts the attention of two evil hobos, who wish to steal the toy machine, and become rich. After some goofy hijinx involving Bones making toy airplanes that chase him, the hobos steal the machine. But our heroes give chase, disguised as snowmen, and knock a tree down, stopping the hobo truck. Still disguised, they then mess with the heads of our hobo villains, and finally capture them. Or at least until wacky old Bones accidentally frees them. They track down the villains to a toy store, where they plan to sell the machine. So Junior decides to stop them by having Bones dress up...

As the least convincing Santa Claus in the world.

However, the toy salesmen wants nothing to do with our hobo antagonists and their magic toy machine that they have no idea how to use. Our heroes try to put a stop to them again, until once again Bones screws up, causing them to escape. The hobos enter an apartment building to make toys, as our protagonists follow. They corner the villains on top of the roof, get the machine back, and finally stop the hobos without Bones' wacky hijinx. The episode ends with Santa showing up, and giving everyone presents.

Since there's enough time to run through another episode, let's look at the 13th, and final episode of the series "Double or Nothing".

Our episode begins with Bones and Junior going to meet Bones' cousin Lucy Belle. I guess at this point they realized it was pointless to look for Junior's deadbeat dad. Lucky Belle is set to inherit an old mansion, But their reunion is cut short as Lucy Belle is kidnapped by our villains of the episode, who want to keep her from going to the reading of the will. Our heroes give chase, but lose the villains in the fog. They call it quits, until Junior comes up with a plan to ensure Lucy Belle gets the mansion. And that's to dress Bones up as Lucy Belle, considering they look so much alike.

Good lord, he looks like the long lost 3rd Cinderella stepsister.

They meet the caretakers of the mansion/villains of the episode (including a rather amorous and grabby handyman), while they hear the reading of the will. The only way for Lucy Belle to inherit the mansion is if she deciphers some sort of puzzle, but since this is Bones, he knows jack about how to solve it. But his puzzle solving is also cut short, as he too is kidnapped. Junior comes to the rescue of Bones, but the mysterious villain gets away. Our heroes save Lucy Belle, and take her back to the mansion to work on the puzzle, while they put a stop to the villains. All while Bones is still in drag BTW. They finally competently capture the villains in a giant pie, until silly old bones gets the heel of his shoe caught in a hole in the floor, sending him flying back, hitting Junior, causing them to escape.

Even a Bones in drag is as useless as regular bones.

Bones get found out, and the villains give chase to the real Lucy Belle. DK Junior comes to the rescue, and finally defeats the villains, who are revealed to be some of the people at the will reading (Betcha didn't see that coming). The episode ends with the puzzle solved, Lucy Belle getting the mansion, and Bones still in drag. Considering this is like a while after the need for the outfit, It just makes me a bit concerned.

And that's essentially Donkey Kong Junior. Again, not the worst cartoon, but not good. It feels like a far less inspired teen mystery cartoon, None of the characters are all that interesting, the animation is decent at best, and Bones is perhaps more useless than Pauline. At least she doesn't make things worse. And I stick by my belief that Junior is essentially Scrappy sans the annoyance that Scrappy possesses.

And with that, I hope you enjoyed Game Over...

(whispers)

What? I have to review one more?

(whispers)

But I already reviewed Donkey Kong...

Awww crap.

Donkey Kong

2010-06-19T23:30:00.001-04:00

A Monkey of a Mess

Ruby Spears: 1983

Well, Game Over month is coming to a close, but before it does, it's time to look back at the animated history of one of gaming's most iconic characters, oh, and that mustached guy too. Donkey Kong made his debut as a hit arcade game from Nintendo on June 2nd, 1981. The game starred you as Jumpman, later renamed Mario, who has to survive 4 crazy levels to rescue his beloved Pauline (of course this is before he whored himself for royalty). The game was an instant success, and of course Mario and DK have become major faces in the rich history of Nintendo and video games. And like I've said before, if it's a success, chances are there's a cartoon series. And in DK's case, there was. It was part of the Saturday Supercade cartoon block. The Saturday Supercade was a half hour animated block that aired from 1983-1985 on CBS. On it contained animated adaptations for many classic gaming titles such as Q*Bert, Frogger, Pitfall Harry, and of course, Donkey Kong.

Now you may be wondering why I'm just focusing on DK and not the rest of the shows. Well, at this point I haven't been able to find full episodes for most of the cartoons, save for Donkey Kong. And what I saw was definitely a goofy, yet utterly forgettable cartoon. So, is it Tooncrap worthy? Well, whip out some Buckner and Garcia, and do the Donkey Kong, as we review this thing.

Let's start by talking about our cast of characters.

First is DK himself (Voiced by none other than the legendary Soupy Sales). He's the star attraction of the circus, who's escaped, and is constantly chased after in every episode by Mario and Pauline. DK's a nice ape, but as the series would constantly show, is also extremely gullible.

Next up is Pauline, who honestly adds nothing to the cartoon. Zero. Other than constantly accompanying Mario, she's really just there because

A. She's in the game
B. She's the only major female in the series
C. Who else is going to yell "Look out Mario! Donkey Kong is doing something! Oh No!" I mean, who else is gonna do it? Dick Vitale? Because I would actually mark for that.

And from there we get to Mario, iconic face of video gaming. Hero to millions. Cash cow to Nintendo...

Really, really off friggin' model?

Yep, that's our favorite Italian Plumber, sans the big nose, stereotypes, and personality. He's the Wile E. Coyote to DK's Road Runner, only he's far from a super genius, and far from likable.

Now that we know a little about our characters, let's get to some episodes. And we'll start with the episode "The Great Ape Escape"

We kick off our episode as Mario and Pauline in the "so not the Mystery Machine" circus van, are chasing after our primate protagonist. DK leaps onto a wall as Mario sets off his most daring plan to capture DK yet....

Disguise himself as a banana, and catapult himself at DK. He then sprays DK with sleeping gas, but that doesn't work as our monkey main character just blows it back at Mario, and jumps over the wall. and that wall just so happens to be the local prison. Inside the prison, two inmates are planning their escape, when they run into Donkey Kong. And since DK is a gullible moron of a monkey, he easily helps them. They even dress him up in a prison uniform...

And yet he still looks more dignified in stripes than Batista.

While the two no goodnicks easily manipulate our moronic monkey, Mario and Pauline are above them in a hot air balloon that looks like it was on loan from Care A Lot. Mario once again has a master plan to lure DK, and this time it's a rope ladder made out of bananas. I got to admit these are both the most creative, and most retarded ideas I've ever head of.But it eventually fails as DK pops Mario's balloon. So with that plan fizzled out, Mario and Pauline, disguised as chefs (with Pauline wearing a mustache because... I dunno she has a little tranny in her), and chase after him yet again. And yet again, Mario proves how much he's a failure by, well, failing.

So, it's time for the big prison football game, where DK dominates, until Mario, now dressed as a Referee, tries once again to capture him. And once again, Mario fails. And Pauline, does nothing, as usual. While all the silliness happens, DK and the two convicts escape. Cut to the convicts eventually cornered on top of a building. Mario, now dressed as a cop (why, I haven't the foggiest. What is this, Super Mario Cosplay?) and Pauline head to the top of the building, and finally tell DK that he was duped. He cages the baddies, and throws them in the paddy wagon. Mario tries to catch him, and fails again, as DK flies away on a hot air football.

So, with that we've pretty much seen the main plot to pretty much every episode. One or two crooks are trying to steal something, and they manipulate DK. Meanwhile Mario tries to capture him, and fails like the mustachioed moron he is. And Pauline does absolutely nothing like she always does. So, let's finish this induction by looking at one more episode. one with another name from DK's past. "Greenhouse Gorilla"

We open out episode just like the last, with DK running from the Mystery Machine... I mean circus van. He jumps into a plant nursery that belongs to Dr. Stanley. That's right, the same Stanley from everyone's "favorite" Donkey Kong game, Donkey Kong 3.

Who interestingly enough looks more like Mario in this cartoon than Mario.

Also in the nursery is our main villain, who wants to steal Stanley's prized metal eating plant Herman. he soon discovers DK, and because the monkey's a moron, our villain easily manipulates him to steal the plant. When Stanley tries to recover his plant, DK throws hives of bees at him, as he escapes in the back of the bad guy's truck.

I usually don't steal material from other reviewers, but when is this opportunity going to come again?

BEE THROWING BEE THROWING BEE THROWING
BEE THROWING BEE THROWING BEE THROWING
BEE THROWING BEE THROWING BEE THROWING

I really have to stop reading Blogger Beware...

Stanley eventually runs into Mario and Pauline, as the trio work together to find Donkey Kong and Herman. The villain takes DK to a supermarket, where our hairy hero feeds the plant metal tools, and eventually the cash register. Mario and the gang show up, and Mario tries to capture DK with his Vacuum trap. And of course, being Mario in this cartoon, he fails miserably because of the, you know, metal eating plant. Stanley tries to help, but is just as useless. And Pauline does nothing important as usual. The villain gives DK a fancy suit, and tells him that they're going to a banquet.

And we also learn the villain's name is Mr. X. How creative.

Mario, Pauline, and Stanley, disguised as hired help (where the hell do they keep getting these costumes? What circus has a maid outfit for crying out loud), enter the fancy banquet where DK, Herman, and Mr. X are. Pauline eventually does something useful and tells DK of Mr. X being a crook, and DK eventually puts a stop to the crook, before yet again escaping. The End.

And that's Donkey Kong in a Nutshell. While not the worst cartoon, it's definitely not very good either. The plot formula is the same in every episode, the animation is decent at best, and none of the characters are all that interesting, even the gullible hero DK. This one is definitely a rotten banana, but is it any worse than the other Supercade cartoon featuring his offspring? We'll see next time, when we review Donkey Kong Jr.

Darkstalkers

2010-06-15T11:43:00.014-04:00

A Monster Mash of Mediocrity

Dic: 1995

I'll make an admittance before I start this week's induction for GAME OVER month. I actually have never played any of the Darkstalkers titles, nor am I experienced in the lore of the franchise. But even with the lack of knowledge on the series, I still know what constitutes as an animated atrocity. And the American Darkstalkers cartoon is indeed an atrocity worth talking about.

Darkstalkers (Or Vampire in Japan) is an Arcade fighting franchise from Capcom. Essentially, it's Street Fighter with monsters. I'm sure there's a plot behind it, but let's be honest. Rarely does anyone play a fighting game to be engrossed in the story, so rarely does a cartoon, or movie based on the franchise work well. Case in point with Darkstalkers, our induction du Jour. Just like Zelda, and Double Dragon, Dic picked up the rights to the franchise in order to make another cartoon, this time for the USA network...

And like the franchises before, it blew tremendously. Suffering from the cocktail of bad story, mediocre animation, and an all around annoying time. So, let's look at this monster of a mess, and let's review this thing.

You know what kind of intros I hate. Ones that are spent explaining the plot in a rather dry monologue. Only two cartoons I know have been able to do it right. He-Man, and Reboot. At least those two had excellent music to accompany it. Darkstalkers has a rather generic rock theme only broken a couple times with "We're the Dark............................. Stalkers!" And you also know that the intro was an afterthought when the opening consists of clips from the show, or like most occasions, the first episode. It simply says to me, "why should I continue when they've clearly given up a minute in?" Because I'm reviewing this crap, that's why.

We kick off our first episode "Out of the Dark" as a giant space ship sneaks past a space shuttle. Why they couldn't just destroy the shuttle instead of sneaking past it makes no sense to me. We meet our main antagonist, Pyron, who is pissed that the Earth no longer has any intelligent inhabitants to worship him. So instead of just blowing up the planet, he decides instead to awaken the monsters of old to do his dirty work. He awakens Dimitri, the supposed last of the vampires, who doesn't take his new employment very well. However, Pyron quickly kicks his blood sucking butt. After some bargaining, Dimitri eventually has no problem with being general to Pyron's big intergalactic hullabaloo.

Cut to Scotland (You can tell it's Scotland thanks to the stupid bagpipe music) as Morrigan, a succubus, is beamed up on the ship. She battles with Dimitri for a bit, until Pyron eventually tells them to cut the crap.

Next on the list is a werewolf named John Talbain, who is the first to escape being beamed up. This cartoon finally gives me an unintentional laugh as Talbain gets chased by a red spotlight. Next we head to Cairo, as a pyramid is lifted up from underground, and our next baddie, Anarkaris, is awakened, and appears to be suffering from Perry Saturn syndrome, as he proclaims "There are lizards in my pants", and to "bring forth gravy, and dancing frogs".

"That's gimmick infringement! I mean, uh... Monkeys eat bacon to confuse Newt Gingrich. You're Welcome!"

Next is Bishamon.... Or Hashimon as this cartoon calls him, who pretty much says "Screw resisting" and gets beamed up. Next is our Zombie British rocker...

Close...

There we go, there's our Lord Raptor.

With the willing baddies now in his alliance, it's time to go after the "Difficult ones". Because lord knows this episode hasn't introduced enough characters.

And we start with Victor, an emo Arnold Swarzenegger Frankenstein who is the 2nd to avoid the evil red spotlight. Followed by a whining narcissistic fishman named Rikou. Next up is the white Captain Caveman.. I mean Bigfoot, and his whiny nephew Hairball. Who, along with his tribe, stop the evil glowing spotlight with snowballs. I kid you not. Frigging Snowballs.

Dimitri is a moron.

And in between each failed attempt, Morrigan chews him out for being said moron, and Pyron bitches at them for wanting to kill humans.

And we finally meet our last monster of the bunch, the obligatory catgirl, Felicia. She gets chased by the spotlight, all while screaming that she needs to find the sorcerer. She heads to a mansion and turns into a cat. A kid named Harry exits the mansion, sees our now more feline female, and brings her in. The next day he wakes up to the wet dream of many an anime fan out there...

A catgirl in his bedroom. Lucky douche.

Felicia learns that the sorcerer she's looking for was Harry's great great, great, grandfather. She tells him of Dimitri, but he doesn't believe her. Despite there being a GOD DAMNED CATWOMAN ON HIS BED! Or at least until Dimitri's floating head shows up. And Dimitri, being a moron as I've already pointed out, believes that Harry is the sorcerer. Felicia saves him, as the two run away. Back to our whiny Frankenstein, who returns to his castle, and embraces his father, who's nothing more than a skeleton in a chair. Back to Felicia and Harry, who are at her place, as we learn that Harry is indeed a trained sorcerer to end this episode.

And that's as much of Darkstalkers as I can take. It's just annoying. The animation is decent at best, most of these characters are barely one dimensional, and because you demanded it I guess, we have a pigeonholed kid who in the end is more important to the plot than the actual characters. For some odd reason I'm instantly reminded of something I've reviewed before. A really crappy cartoon that I watched last year, I just can't put my finger on...

Oh bloody hell.

Yep, I'm instantly reminded of Monster in My Pocket. A bunch of monsters fighting each other, and an annoying obligatory kid protagonist that's improtant to the plot. The only difference is these monsters aren't shrunk, and it's a boy this time. Oh well, at least the werewolf isn't Jamaican.

And with that, we head into our fourth induction for Game Over month..

and I finally can start to get this Monkey off my Back.

Double Dragon

2010-06-10T12:15:00.003-04:00

Woe is Lee

Dic: 1993

Thank you, but a good cartoon is in another castle. It's GAME OVER month.

Double Dragon is one of those video game franchises that one wonders just how it ceased to be so soon. It started as a hit arcade game that would later spawn a hit NES title. And while not my personal favorite beat-em-up on the 8-bit console (Always hated the jump mechanics), It's easy to see why it was a massive success. The main plot of the original game had Billy and Jimmy Lee working together to beat up a rogues gallery of enemies until they would eventually duel to the death to see who would win the hot pixelated ass that was Marian, Billy's girlfriend. The game would see a few more sequels, and literally vanish around 1995. But why? It was such a hit franchise, what killed it?

Well, this was definitely the nail in the coffin, but I think it really started with the animated series released by our favorite group of DICheads. Like I've said before, Almost every successful movie or game franchise has a cartoon or 2 about it. And the Double Dragon cartoon just happened to be in the middle of what seemed to be Dic's dominance in getting practically every major video game franchise to make cartoons out of. They had made toons for Mario, Sonic, Battletoads, Legend of Zelda, and even a chunk of the Nintendo Roster in Captain N. And Since I've pretty much pointed out already how most of them were pretty bad, chances are the expectations are pretty low that this will fare any better. And then the expectations fall off a cliff and die when you realize this show was released in 1993, a time when every show had to rip off the god damned Power Rangers. Not that I have a problem with Power Rangers, but I have yet to see a show that has been able to rip off the idea and do it right.

Double Dragon definitely is one of those franchises that failed at the idea, and it shows big time. So, let's not double drag this any further. Let's review this thing.

The intro is pretty much a basic mid 90's cartoon theme, the only thing really worth noting is the choice to rhyme dragon with braggin'. Just makes me wonder how many sleepless hours it took to come up with that one. Other than that, it shows clips of episodes, or in the case of the 1st episode, clips of the first episode only. As this was the episode that still had some sanity (though very little), and wasn't a full blown toy commercial yet. And with the intro looked at, let's review the first episode, "The Shadow Falls".

We start our story in Metro City, 18 years ago. As an unnamed man heads to the city temple with his infant son. He asks the master, the oldest dragon to watch over his son Billy while he goes to find his twin son Jimmy, who was kidnapped by the shadow warriors. The Oldest Dragon takes Billy, and says that he will be a great warrior, and the next dragon master. Cut to the present day Metro City, as a bank truck decides to lounge in the park for some reason. But trouble looms as an evil helicopter arrives. As a young boy named Michael..

Who looks a bit too much like Skate from Streets of Rage 2, goes off to get help.

Wrong Metro City.

Again, Wrong Metro City.

While goes to find help, we meet our flunkies du jour, King Hippo from Captain N's more fit cousin Abobo, and Wild Willy, who, if you couldn't guess, is an annoying cowboy stereotype. Through Exposition, AKA Giant Smurf Abobo, we learn that there's a new shadow boss that has taken over, and he has evil magic powers, and if they fail this mission, who knows what they'll do to them. Back to Michael, who heads to the temple where Billy Lee is breaking apart steel beams by using his dragon energy, or some crap like that. The oldest dragon feels that Billy is ready to be a dragon master, as it's his time to die. Or walk off into the sunset. I dunno, he gives off some retarded leaf falling metaphor before Michael shows up. Michael tries to get Billy to put a stop to the bad guys in the chopper, but Billy begins to bitch that the only way to win a fight is to avoid it. Get used to this, as Billy is a regular Dudley friggin' Do Right through this whole show. The oldest dragon tells him essentially to stop bitching and go help, while reminding us the rules of a dragon master:

Do not intentionally harm another
Do not fight unless you can't avoid it
If you must fight, do not injure.

Don't worry though, these rules will be rendered pointless later.

Billy drives off with his new action figure accessories... I mean, dragon sword, and dragon cycle, as he heads to the park to stop the shadow warriors. Meanwhile, the shadow warriors attack the bank truck (coming into the park in a school bus for some reason), as the cops arrive. Well, one cop at least, Marian Martin, who I must say has had quite a promotion from the games. Before she becomes mince meat by our wolverine knockoffs, Billy comes to save the day. The two talk for a second, and shake hands, which leads to this.

You know you've hired some D grade flunkies when they job to a HANDSHAKE!

Abobo and Wild Willy escape with the money, which is something Billy sees no problem with. Nobody got hurt, which is what matters. Well, except for the flunkies you attacked. Marian also deduces that he's a dragon master, which explains everything. Well, except for how the hell Marian even knows what a dragon master is. Billy returns to find out that his master has died, or vanished, or I dunno, this is a Dic cartoon, got lost in the void. Marian shows up at the temple and deputizes Billy, to which he yet again bitches about his code some more and Michael uselessly chimes in.

Meanwhile at stately Shadow Boss manor, Abobo and Wild willy tell the Shadow Boss (who for some reason has this stupid blinking eye crap going on), about the new dragon master. With the news of a new dragon master, he comes up with a new plan. Back at the temple, our heroes hear a banging at the door, only to find Billy's long lost brother Jimmy, as well as Abobo and Wild Willy who were chasing after him in their...

beetle robot car thing as they begin to fire at the temple. Luckily for our protagonists, the temple just happens to have a pretty solid security system. After the bad guys flee, Jimmy tells them how the shadow warriors are chasing him, and yadda yadda, if you played the first game you know what's up by now. Also, Billy and Jimmy can bruise at the same time if one gets hurt, but that's really nothing important. They clean up the temple, and Jimmy randomly decides to hold a martial arts tournament. And that's just what happens. No buildup, just a random fighting tournament, where Billy continues to whine about his code. Meanwhile, Marian and Jimmy get kidnapped. Billy whines about how he's lost everyone he loves, and then sends Michael out to guard the temple (because that makes sense) while he uses his deus ex machina tattoo to find Marian and Jimmy.

After some taunting from the Shadow Boss, Billy enters the shadow building, where he immediately does battle with a barrel throwing Abobo. But since Abobo's a bitch, he gets taken out pretty quickly. then quickly disposes of Yosemite Douche. Now it's time for Billy to confront the Shadow Boss face to face. The two battle until we learn that, Jimmy is the Shadow Boss. Billy decides to let him escape, as he and Marian get out before the Shadow building collapses.

And Jimmy turns into a cloud for some reason. The end.

So, that was the first episode. And despite it's sheer stupidity, it actually stuck to the plot of the original game. Too bad someone at Dic learned Power Rangers was the biggest thing around, so the show decided "Screw it, let's jump the shark immediately" with episode 2, "The Legend Continues".

We open our 2nd episode with the announcement that Metro City is set to turn on it's new fusion power generator today. But while Billy and Marian watch the big event, Stately Shadow Boss manor rises again. Our 3 villains have survived, sadly, as we learn that Billy was never the real head honcho around here. The Shadow Master returns and does the world a favor, by trapping Wild Willy, and Abobo in some sort of evil mural/void thing. He spares Jimmy, since he's like a son to him, and sends him to get Billy's dragon sword, while he tries to get control of the new fusion generator. And the Shadow Master sends a bunch of new stupid baddies to help.

Back at the temple, Billy teaches some martial arts, until all hell decides to break loose, as Jimmy, along with 2 of the new henchmen attack. Billy and Jimmy fight until Michael gets captured by the new flunkies. Billy, being the wuss he is, gives up the sword. But since Jimmy is evil, or some crap like that, he's unable to grab it, as the building collapses. He takes the captured Billy to the Shadow Master, who decides that since Jimmy didn't get the sword, he should be killed two. But since Shadow Master's flunkies are 2 Rocksteady's short of a Bebop, they accidentally help our heroes escape. Jimmy decides to make an instant face turn as the two head back to the ruined temple and get the sword. However, when they both touch the sword, the dead (i guess) oldest dragon appears, and tells them that they can now be able to stop evil, or something like that. After the two say "The power of Might" "The power of Right", they transform into the new more powerful, yet more ridiculous Double Dragons.

The two head off in their dragon mobile to face off with the Shadow Master, who has already taken over the generator. But before he can spread darkness, and evil, and whatnot, the Dragons arrive and put a stop to him. He escapes, like all villains do, as the city congratulates our heroes. Marian congratulates them too, despite actually not knowing who they are (Really? you knew what the hell a dragon master was, but can't frigging tell who the morons in the masks are?). They reveal to her their identities, and Marian complains that now she has to make Jimmy a deputy. the End.

Or is it?

Nope, Dic found it necessary to add a PSA at the end of this. And a pretty weak one at that, as Billy does his martial arts in the park, and Michael calls it dumb looking. This prompts Jimmy to tell Michael that making fun of people isn't cool. Lame.

And that's Double Dragon in a nutshell. What a crock of Dragon crap. the animation is mediocre, the characters dumb, and the plot goes from sticking to the source, to going with the fad. It's no wonder why the Double Dragon franchise died with crap like this representing it. But hey, it could be worse...

It could be Darkstalkers.

The Legend of Zelda

2010-06-05T16:35:00.016-04:00

It's dangerous to watch this crap. Read this.

Dic: 1989

No too long ago, I inducted the infamous Captain N: The Game Master. A cartoon that took great Nintendo characters and butchered them horribly. Possibly due to Dic never really playing the NES games before working on the actual cartoon. But despite all of the horrid designs, lackluster plots, groping vampire hunters, and annoying pieces of plastic, I can honestly say that I love that cartoon In comparison to today's induction, The Legend of Zelda.

Like I've said in the past, Nintendo dominated in the late 80's, and among it's many successful franchises, The Legend of Zelda was definitely one of the biggest. The original game can be considered a masterpiece, that pioneered so much in gaming, such as the ability to save the game through internal batteries, and non linear game play. And while it's sequel suffered a "Love it or hate it" Attitude from the fans, it didn't stop the franchise to still be one of the biggest game series' to this day. Zelda is a franchise that could do no wrong.

Well, most of the time.

Which brings us to our induction this week. In 1989, Nintendo hit the animated world With The Super Mario Bros Super Show. A mixture of live action and animation, and featuring former WWF manager Captain Lou Albano as the live action version and voice of Mario. Luigi's was played by Danny Wells, possibly best known as Charlie the bartender on the Jeffersons. Because when you think Nintendo, you think the Guiding Light, and Norman Lear shows.

If the show has one strong point, it's the theme song. While it feels sorta dated by today's standards, It still has the late 80's goofy rap charm. The theme promises you'll be hooked on the brothers, and that if you're sink is in trouble, you can call them on the double. I think I'd best take my chances with a more straight to business plumbing group than two brothers who live in a mushroom kingdom, but that's just me.

Besides the live action skits, the primary focus of the show revolved around 2 cartoons. The Super Mario Bros, which would air Monday-Thurdsay, and The Legend of Zelda, which would air Fridays. The Mario cartoons aren't what you would consider classics, but aren't horrible by any means either. They still manage to maintain the goofiness that the Mario franchise is known for, so even with it's massive amounts of animation flaws, and corny plots (Usually cribbing from movies), it was definitely an enjoyable little cartoon.

I wish I could say the same for Legend of Zelda though. I really do.

First off, it definitely benefits from having the competent Dic animation crew. The ones that usually pull out some excellent animation and character designs, and very few animation flaws. Which is interesting, since the Mario toons are abound with little flaws here and there. Another plus for the show is that it does provide when it comes to action, even going so far as to add actual sound effects from the Legend of Zelda game. But other than that, I really can't say there's much else that could be considered redeeming. Especially when it comes to characters, and general plots to the episodes.

Let's start off with the main characters. Starting with...

Princess Zelda. You know, since this is HER legend after all.

Zelda is definitely far from what would be considered the standard princess. She's a skilled fighter, as well as actually having her father still around, and not trapped in a void.

Choke on that, other Dic princesses.

She's also known to treat Link like utter crap (though when we talk about Link, you'll see why that's not really a bad thing). Cock teasing aside, she's probably one of the better characters this show has.

Next up is Ganon, the show's big bad. For a main villain, he's not too bad either. His main M.O is the same as any 80's stock villain, send his platoon of henchmen to attack. They get their asses handed to them, so he tries to deal with it himself, only to fail. Pretty standard. Although one thing always bugged me about him. He has the power to teleport, yet doesn't just use it to kill Zelda/Link in their sleep, or just take the triforce? Then again, if he could do that, this wouldn't have made 13 episodes, so his powers are limited in the upper world.

Next up is Sprite. She's like Navi from Ocarina of Time, only far more useless. Outside of being the only female on this show legit attracted to Link, she's essentially filler.

And now it's time to talk about our protagonist himself, Link.

(Ahem...)

I CAN'T FRIGGING STAND LINK!!!

The Link of the video games has always been known as a silent protagonist, without an ego, without arrogance, and most importantly without the most obnoxious catchphrase in animated history. The Link of the Cartoon suffers from all these traits. He's a loudmouth, who's M.O is to impress Zelda enough that she'll sleep with him. But when she treats him like the elven douche he is, he usually responds either with his catchphrase, or just being a sore prick about it. Aside from that, he just never shuts up, ever. And most of that time it's either him bitching, or him lusting for Zelda.

God, most of the time he makes Simon Belmont look like a nice guy.

So, we've met our cast of characters, now how do the episodes fare. Let's look at a few as we review this thing.

The opening basically tells the plot of the series. The castle of Hyrule has the Triforce of wisdom, and Ganon has the Triforce of power. Whoever has both can rule the world forever. So, it's Link's job to beat Ganon every week ad nauseum.

We'll start with the first official episode "The Ringer". A new day begins at Hyrule castle, as Link awakens, and immediately begins to bitch about it being so boring. He also seems to dislike the idea of sleeping in a bed, as sleeping in mud is more appropriate for a hero. But his bitching stops when he looks out his window and looks down at Zelda. But his peepery is disrupted by attacking Moblins. Armed with sword and pillow, he easily disposes of the Moblin trio, and sends them back to Ganon. And for protecting the Triforce of Wisdom, Zelda, of course, treats link like crap for making a mess, and instructs him to defend the Triforce as she goes to judge a magician competition, much to the anger of Link.

But it's not just Link who's in a foul mood, as Ganon is having a teleporting fit over the failure of his Moblin flunkies. So, he decides to do the job himself as he disguises himself as a magician to attend the competition in Hyrule. After waiting through half assed magic acts, he eventually turns a lizard into a dragon to distract our whiny heroes. And again, after saving the castle from a dragon, Zelda still treats Link like garbage. But in the midst of their bickering, Ganon finally gets his hand of the Triforce. Sprite tries to stop him, but being useless as she is, she is easily defeated. Our protagonists give chase, and eventually stop Ganon before he makes it back to his hideout. But several of his skeleton soldiers attack, so Link comes up with a plan.he tethers himself and Zelda to his belt, so they can attack back to back.

Anything to get close to Zelda, huh Link?

The duo defeat Ganon and his army, reclaim the triforce, and Link refuses to remove the belt until he finally gets his kiss. But Sprite shows up in time to play 3 inch cock block. The end.

Let's look at another, the episode "Kiss 'N Tell".

We start our episode with Zelda complaining that Link is sleeping in and missing their planned picnic, when she hears a woman screaming. It appears that a maiden's being attacked by the three headed dragon Gleeok. Zelda easily defeats it by throwing lemons and grapefruit at it (really?), but our distressed damsel bitches that Zelda screwed up what was a plan to get Link. But hey, at the thought of women to harass, Link is here to save the day, as he finishes off Gleeok. The maiden offers Link a kiss, which, being the moron he is, he humbly obliges.

Well, that's what you get for being a horny moron, I guess.

Yep, this was all a plan from Ganon to have Link turn into a frog to...... I dunno, embarrass him I guess. The Gibdo attacks Link, only for Zelda to save his now warty butt. Link begins to bitch about being a monster, as Zelda finally shows some pity on him. This sickens Ganon, as he attacks our heroes, and kidnaps Zelda. Link gets Sprite to help him, and after a vague riddle from the Triforce of Wisdom, they find a witch that lives in a wall. Link asks how he can be cured, and the witch says that he must be kissed by a princess. So, he gets turned back to normal, and his perverted dreams come true. It's win win.

But before he can finally get his Zelda kiss, he gets beaten by Ganon again. Sprite, feeling pity on him, kisses Link, which turns him back to normal. Hey, Sprite's a princess, I guess. Link kicks Ganon's ass yet again, and Link bombs on another kiss attempt by eating a fly. The end.

The Legend of Zelda is a great example of dropping the ball big time. The heroes are unlikable, the villain isn't exactly the most cunning, and overall the episodes are kinda bland. Other than some decent action, and animation, it's definitely a let down. So excuuuse me if I'm not too fond of this show, but the fact remains. This is a legend best left forgotten.

Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue

2010-05-30T23:16:00.019-04:00

Just say no... to this cartoon.

Syndication: 1990

Chances are that when you were a kid, at some point, you dreamed of what it would be like if your favorite cartoon characters met up. Be it to face off against one another, or maybe to face off against a common enemy. Perhaps even just to hang out and shoot the breeze.

I can guarantee you no kid ever dreamed their favorite cartoons would spend a half hour in one of the most retarded interventions in television history.

But that's what we got all the way back in 1990 with Cartoon All Stars to the Rescue, a cartoon that aired on literally every channel in existence in 1990 (Or at least those that aired Saturday morning cartoons. This was billed as a big event, where all your favorite characters would align for the first time ever. Think about it, Garfield, the Chipmunks, the Smurfs, Alf, Winnie the Pooh, The Looney Tunes, and Michelangelo of the frigging Ninja Turtles. It was like any cartoon fan's literal wet dream. However, what we got killed those dreams forever.

Think of it as the WCW Invasion of the cartoon world.

Now, I can assure the reader that I have never touched a drug in my life, so I'm ripping into this without any personal bias.

I'm like the savior, except unhealthy and uncool.

This is going to show just how this half hour narc-fest just doesn't work, and in the end is just a bad cartoon in general. So, get ready to see some of the greatest cartoon characters get ruined for eternity. Let's review this thing.

We open our massive crossover with the 2 people the kiddies obviously couldn't wait to see.... George and Barbara Bush. While Barb seems sincere, for some reason I doubt George is taking this very seriously. In the middle of this minute long 1st nag of many, George turns and stares at Barb, almost thinking to himself "I'm in charge of the most powerful nation in existence, and she makes me waste my time talking about some damn cartoons. What a world"

With that out of the way, we open our story in the town of generic suburbia USA, as a young girl named Cory's piggy bank is stolen. And the first person to notice this is, of course, Papa Smurf. He sounds the alarm which awakens all of the crappy mascot merchandise in our young lass's room. Everyone from the Chipmunks, Alf, and Garfield chase after the porcelain pork purloiner, as the Smurfs, Kermit, and Slimer wake up Cory. They soon learn that our bandit is none other than her older brother Michael. Cory confronts him, as he hides a box from her. However our assortment of animated icons look inside to find plenty of drug related paraphernalia. Michael, eyes looking like a mess, puts on a pair of shades and leaves the house in a huff. So, naturally the cartoon all stars decide to follow him to try and get him off drugs.

Because lord knows the best way to stop an addiction is with an animated intervention.

So, Michael goes off and buys some drugs, as we meet our antagonist, an evil talking puff of smoke (Voiced by George C Scott). But before he can try some of the harder stuff, Michael and the assorted kids scatter to the sound of a siren. Backed into a corner, the officer approaches our protagonist, only to reveal that it's...

Oh Bugs. poor, poor Bugs.

Yep, Bugs Bunny gets dragged into the story, as he tries to ask how Michael got involved with drugs. Michael, more angered that Bugs is in his business, and less that BUGS BUNNY IS STANDING IN FRONT OF HIM, tries to get away. But Bugs drags him into his time machine. Yep, a time machine that he borrowed from "some coyote".

Meanwhile, back at home, Michael's dad, the Brawny man, wonders why there's some beer missing. Cory knows something ain't on the up and up with Michael, but decides not to rat her brother out. This leads to Winnie the Pooh asking her why, as Cory tries to understand why in the blue hell Pooh bear is talking to her. She essentially tells Pooh that snitches get stitches, as Pooh tries to convince her to tell.

Back to Michael, Bugs, and Smokey as they head back to the simpler days of black and white, and when kids had the first letters of their names on their shirts. Bugs shows how Michael was led into the world of drugs through peer pressure, which of course is way different from how they're trying to get him off of drugs. Later at the park with token black kid and girl with the Kung Lao hat, they talk about scoring some crack. Michael declines, until Smokey hands hat girl Michael's wallet. Michael gives chase, until he falls into a manhole, ready to get a lecture from...

Really? Of all the Ninja Turtles, you pick the one that seems most like a stereotypical stoner?

So yeah, now it's time for Michelangelo to chew out our young hero, all while the hat girl still has his friggin wallet and is ready to score some crack. But screw her, we only have time to talk to Michael. Michelangelo, pulls a giant plug that sends Michael and Smokey falling into a roller coaster that is riding through the messed up catacombs that is his brain. Oh, and Kermit and Piggy are along for the ride. After that little mind warp, it's time for an animated intervention through song, as The Muppet Babies, Huey, Dewey, Louie, and the gang sing about "a million wonderful ways to say no."

Oh goody, Miss Piggy, and Scrooge's nephews are singing. Somehow I yearn for Gilbert Gottfried to belt out a few lines.

Oh screw it, no I don't.

After that, Michael finally wakes up back at home. After abusing Cory, he begins to finally realize that maybe he's gone too far with the drugs, but Smokey tries to convince him he's done no harm. But his reassurance is cut short, as now it's time for Alf to talk to Michael. Alf drags him into a hall of mirrors to show him how drugs will turn him into the friggin' Cryptkeeper. He then takes him to see the man in charge, who turns out to be our Smokey antagonist. While Michael wanders through animated insanity, Cory finds his drug box as Smokey tries to corrupt her, and throws Pooh into a cupboard. How dare he do that to the world's most famous autistic ursine.

And from here the insanity meter hits eleventy as Michael finds himself in a crazy carnival, as the cartoon all stars, now seemingly tired of nagging him to stop, decide to try and murder him instead. 3 minutes of homicide and vore later, Michael heads into a tent, and runs into a fortune teller, who happens to be...

Oh Daffy. Poor, poor Daffy.

Daffy shows him his future, which is his full on transformation into the Cryptkeeper. The Cartoon All Stars take one last effort to intervent Michael. It finally works, as Michael finally exits insano land, and stops Cory before she becomes persuaded. He throws Smokey out the window. Our talking smoke pile vows revenge, but our young heroes and talking mascots will be prepared. The end.

And that's the infamous Cartoon All Stars to the Rescue. What a piece of propaganda pap. There's nothing wrong with saying no to drugs, or helping someone in need, but for some reason the way the Cartoon All Stars try to do so bugs me. They go from nagging, to intervention, to trying to murder Michael. It just seems poorly handled. And in the end, why did it need to be an assortment of cartoon characters? It could've been a clan of original characters, and they still could've sent the same message across. Instead of just teasing young kids with dreams of Alf confronting Garfield, or The Looney Tunes and the Ninja Turtles being at the same place at the same time. Also, they really don't talk about why the drugs are bad. The whole video talks through scare tactics, and make mild references to highs and eventual death. In the end, this was a really weak 30 minute PSA that could've been handled so much better.

And really, the last people I'd take drug advice from is a "party dude" like Michelangelo, a manic depressive like Daffy, a cat with the munchies, blue creatures that live in mushrooms, an always happy bear, and Alf, who's too cool not to be taking something.

So, that ends a rather short month of Inductions, but do join us for June as we celebrate the upcoming E3 convention with Game Over month, where every weekend induction will be Video Game Based. So, see you then, and remember...